Being Lonely and no friends is just as dangerous as smoking.

[McDISer]

This discussion was on my nightly news last night.
It really made me pause and think.

Here is a link I could find; https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science...uld-be-as-deadly-as-smoking-harvard-universi/


Once your children are out of school and you become empty nesters, I, myself found it very difficult to sustain close friendships. We would do the occasional picnics and suppers after our high school daughters soccer games, we went out with other parents for supper during Prom week, plus a lot of different activities, but it was like more of a whole group setting of friends, that was sort of forced together, yet we all got along, since it was our children's school activities that brought us together.

We can be out at a grocery store or some other public place and I will meet up with some of these friends, but it is never taken to the next level of lets get together, it is more like "how many grandchildren do you have", "yep, we watch our grandchildren".

To be honest, we moved about 20 miles away and built our retirement home and joined a new parish. We have been going for about 2 years to a new church, and not once has anyone come up to us and said, "hi, are you new here? But then again, when I would see new people that used to come to our old parish, I was guilty of never introducing myself to new people.

I see on Facebook, new mothers that look for friendship to get together with other mothers with babies. I wish I could do that, but I feel I would seem so desperate for friendships, and many people who know me on Facebook would wonder what the heck is up with me. I did look into "Meet Up", but many groups that get together are in the larger cities, and not at all around in my area.

Am I wrong, are there others like me, that would just like a nice friendship with other group of ladies, and it is just so hard to find that kind of friendship?

 

[shelemm]

" I feel I would seem so desperate for friendships"

John Guare once said that avoiding embarrassment was the heart of all human tragedy, from the Oresteia on down. If you could ever let go of that, reaching out to others will not seem like a burden.

Or as Jonathan Richman sang:

People all over the world are good.
People all over the world ain't bad.
But if they keep on chickening out.
They'll never get what they wish they had.
And that's affection.

 

[jaybirdsmommy]

Does your church offer bible studies or other small groups. Ours has several geared toward different age groups. You might find people of similar interests in those?

Are you passionate about a certain type of charity work? Can you try volunteering at an organization that supports something you are interested in?

What about clubs? Check your local parks and recreation web site. Ours has several programs for retired people - dance, pickle ball, cards, social events.

 

[Snowflakey]

What about starting something yourself? A walking club? Meet every other day somewhere close by and walk a few miles?

I hope something comes along for you. This post got me thinking, if I was having to look for friends I don't know what I'd do either.....best of luck!

 

[AlohaNow]

Well I'm doomed then! I wish we had friends where we currently live, but we really don't. We know people, but we never get together with anyone. We do stuff on our own but it sure would be nice to have other people to do stuff with, even if occasionally. It seems hard to make friends as adults, mostly due to the time factor.

 

[DLgal]

I am not sure this applies to introverts. I am most happy by myself, and with just my nuclear family. Hanging out with other people stresses me out, even if it's fun in the moment. There's a good chance that my kids will live with me forever too (they are both autistic), so I think I'll be just fine.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I totally see and agree with you on most of this!!!!

It is sad when one is not welcomed, or even really acknowledged, in a Church/Parish.
That isn't how it is supposed to be. Not what it is all about.
Are there other options that you might consider?

 

[Hadmatter]

Probably not, but it's not the healthiest thing to be without a social circle either.

 

[smiths02]

In these studies...can social network and friends not include family?
Also, does it include semi-friends? I have co-workers whom I really like and we will eat lunch together sometimes, but we generally don't do anything after work (we all live in different counties and have busy lives), but they did invite me to weddings, baby showers, etc. I'm sure if I had a major crisis, there are lots of people who would pray for me, bring me meals, mow my lawn, etc. even though we don't hang out, per se

But I am there with you, I am not good at making friends. I am pretty good at keeping them, but now they are long distance. I don't have anyone who I can go to dinner with after work or go to a movie with...aside from my husband, kids (ages 12, 6, 6), my mom, and my in-laws.

I am not sure this applies to introverts. I am most happy by myself, and with just my nuclear family. Hanging out with other people stresses me out, even if it's fun in the moment. There's a good chance that my kids will live with me forever too (they are both autistic), so I think I'll be just fine.

I think it depends on the kind of introvert. I like hanging out with other people, I especially like hanging out with extroverts. I don't want to do a ton of talking, but I like being around that atmosphere. On our trip to Universal, some women sitting next to us just started up a conversation, and it was fun, but I'd never start a conversation. DH, OTOH, was over there making fun of me and happy that he wasn't sitting next to me.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have read that Isolation is a huge part of The Human Condition.
Especially with the numbers of introverts, those on the spectrum, etc...

 

[DLgal]

I have read that Isolation is a huge part of The Human Condition.
Especially with the numbers of introverts, those on the spectrum, etc...

It definitely is, but it is too often pathologized as something harmful when it isn't necessarily.

 

[yoopermom]

I think it's hard to make true "friends" vs work friends, other parents friends, church friends, etc. People just are so busy nowadays. In my grandparents day (middle of the last century), they were extremely socially active, everyone weekend was card parties, dances, book clubs, day trips, etc. They had a tight knit group of about ten couples that would go to heck and back for each other.

No easy answer, but I do think that friendship is important.

 

[cabanafrau]

It definitely is, but it is too often pathologized as something harmful when it isn't necessarily.

I think like everything else it's something that should be taken in moderation. More and more research of the geriatric set shows that the elderly who do have regular and consistent interaction with others socially do not suffer the effects of dementia as frequently.

 

[McDISer]

Does your church offer bible studies or other small groups. Ours has several geared toward different age groups. You might find people of similar interests in those?

Are you passionate about a certain type of charity work? Can you try volunteering at an organization that supports something you are interested in?

What about clubs? Check your local parks and recreation web site. Ours has several programs for retired people - dance, pickle ball, cards, social events.

Pickle Ball is getting popular around here. I saw they have a beginners session. thanks for reminding me. I love being active. I do work out at the YMCA, but it seems the members are 20-30 years younger, again the moms with babies working out.

 

[McDISer]

What about starting something yourself? A walking club? Meet every other day somewhere close by and walk a few miles?

I hope something comes along for you. This post got me thinking, if I was having to look for friends I don't know what I'd do either.....best of luck!

20 homes have been built after ours and at least 10 original homes have been put on the market and sold. Me and my husband figured out, we are now considered in the top 10 to being the oldest in our sub division. I was thinking of putting a letter in everyone's mail box and meeting at a coffee shop below our hill. We live in a township, and the rules are a lot different than living in a city or village.

 

[quandrea]

Despite being so busy, we need to nurture the true friendships in our lives. I’m not talking about the casual acquaintances we meet through work or through our kids’ activities, but the real friendships where there is history and those people who would do anything for you. Tough, but so important. Some work/activities acquaintances might evolve into something real, but more often than not, they are relationships of convenience. We don’t concentrate on these real friendships enough.

 

[McDISer]

I think it's hard to make true "friends" vs work friends, other parents friends, church friends, etc. People just are so busy nowadays. In my grandparents day (middle of the last century), they were extremely socially active, everyone weekend was card parties, dances, book clubs, day trips, etc. They had a tight knit group of about ten couples that would go to heck and back for each other.

No easy answer, but I do think that friendship is important.

Do you think our generation put so much effort into making our kids happy and making them socialize that we gave up on ourselves and stopped getting together with other couples. We have been married for 37 years, and used to hang out with a lot of couples when we first got married. But then many couples started cheating on each other and divorcing and feelings got hurt, and everyone just sort of broke away from each other.

 

[DLgal]

I think like everything else it's something that should be taken in moderation. More and more research of the geriatric set shows that the elderly who do have regular and consistent interaction with others socially do not suffer the effects of dementia as frequently.

Perhaps, but again, I wonder how many of those studied reported being social people and WANTING those interactions, and not getting them to the extent they needed.

My mom is completely and totally socially isolated. She hardly even interacts with my dad. She is a self identified introvert who does not want friends nor to "hang out and do activities." She sleeps all day and is up all night watching tv and surfing online. She is completely happy this way. She has no signs of mental decline.

 

[DLgal]

Despite being so busy, we need to nurture the true friendships in our lives. I’m not talking about the casual acquaintances we meet through work or through our kids’ activities, but the real friendships where there is history and those people who would do anything for you. Tough, but so important. Some work/activities acquaintances might evolve into something real, but more often than not, they are relationships of convenience. We don’t concentrate on these real friendships enough.

I agree with this. I have what I consider to be a total of 2 very good, lifelong friends. That's all I need. We hang out regularly, travel together, etc. I also have 2 sisters with whom I am close. I don't need a large social circle.

 

[cabanafrau]

Perhaps, but again, I wonder how many of those studied reported being social people and WANTING those interactions, and not getting them to the extent they needed.

My mom is completely and totally socially isolated. She hardly even interacts with my dad. She is a self identified introvert who does not want friends nor to "hang out and do activities." She sleeps all day and is up all night watching tv and surfing online. She is completely happy this way. She has no signs of mental decline.

I sincerely hope that remains to be the case for her. Based on what I've learned from experts who evaluate and treat geriatric patients and patients with dementia, your mom's lifestyle is very high risk for more than one reason.

I genuinely mean it when I say I hope she is an outlier statistically, and there always are some.