Childless By Choice

[MomOfDisneyPrincess]

maybe some of us couldnt care less about mothers day and are tired of feeling like society looks down on us because we dare to say we dont want to be part of your club!

I celebrate my mother on Mother's Day. I don't look to be celebrated. So, in my 40 years of NOT being a mother, I was always "in the club", because I had a mother.

 

[amberpi]

We didn’t have children until 11 years into our marriage. Not one friend or family member ever questioned it. It’s been a non-issue for me. I have plenty of childless friends now. I’m fairly certain it’s a nonissue for them as well.
I can’t imagine asking people about this. It seems so ignorant. It’s just nobody’s business.

It's interesting, as I was thinking about this, I realize most of the nasty/noisey comments were from my ex-husbands family, a grandmother, a couple of aunts I'm not close with (but will see today - they asked last year if we were going to have kids, and one said "since DH has kids, are you going to this time around?") They're mostly harmless questions, but I know others let them get under their skin. My exMIL got under mine. The most comment I've had from friends is of the "you'd be a great mom" type when babysitting or hanging with that friend and their kids. It truly is none of their business. What if infertility was the cause, what if that person just had a miscarriage or something? It's just yucky.

 

[Farro]

We didn’t have children until 11 years into our marriage. Not one friend or family member ever questioned it. It’s been a non-issue for me. I have plenty of childless friends now. I’m fairly certain it’s a nonissue for them as well.
I can’t imagine asking people about this. It seems so ignorant. It’s just nobody’s business.

I can say from my experiences that it wasn't family or friends that question, but co-workers and strangers (again, Uber drivers, people I meet casually for work things or at dinner parties)!

I don't necessarily think people are trying to be rude when they go straight to "why"? But it would be better if people started thinking first.

I also think as it is becoming a more common lifestyle choice, these types of issues will fade with time.

 

[LSUmiss]

I know why you posted this, in response to a question that was asked, not complaining about your post.

But these types of statements are what I hear (not as much now that I'm older ) a lot.
My point is that even if you did pity me for whatever reason, keep it to yourself. When I'm asked (I don't just going around telling people I don't want children) all I had to say was "I don't want children" and I would get these unwanted talks about how so and so felt the same way, but then had children and how her life is so much better, etc. While I'm sure that's true for so and so, what the heck does that have to do with me?
I think it's when people feel the need to explain to me why their lives are better with children, when I didn't ask them...why are you telling me this?

And I understand other people don't experience this, but I have. Maybe it's because I'm always interacting with people that requires some amount of small talk, and the conversation naturally turns to families, etc.

I guess I left out that I don’t pity anyone & would never make unsolicited comments to anyone about any of their life choices. I only meant that I get why ppl acted like I didn’t get it or was missing out on something. I now see what they enjoyed about it. Before I could never fathom what was so great about it. I’m like you & really down prefer to be around other ppl’s kids (still don’t). Ppl told me it was different with your own child & that was a HUGE gamble. But, I do think that I’m in the somewhat unique position of having been in both camps. And my sister & nephew are both having infertility issues & have been through unsuccessful IVF treatments etc. That’s the ppl I pity (if you will). Before having my own DS & ppl talked about infertility, I kinda thought, so what, go travel or do something big with your money. But now, I understand what they’re missing especially since they both so desperately want a child. And, ftr, the comments don’t stop after you have a kid. Now ppl want to know when I’ll give him a sibling. But, as wonderful of an experience this has been/is, I have absolutely no desire to have another child. I like that I have the time, energy, & resources to enjoy him.

 

[Farro]

I couldn’t care less who decides to have kids, but I’m curious who takes care of those that don’t later on. My mom had an uncle who never married or had kids, that she took care of at the end, I took care of my parents. My dad has Alzheimer’s, so even with a caregiver, managing his home, bills, doctors appointments, prescriptions, etc. was a lot of work.

So, there are a lot of elderly parents out there who have children that do NOT take care of them in their old age. Please everyone, don't count on that.

We do think about this. We have insurance, etc. and are saving to be able to have ourselves have the care we need. Perhaps move to a retirement village when the time comes.

 

[Disneylover99]

I can say from my experiences that it wasn't family or friends that question, but co-workers and strangers (again, Uber drivers, people I meet casually for work things or at dinner parties)!

I don't necessarily think people are trying to be rude when they go straight to "why"? But it would be better if people started thinking first.

I also think as it is becoming a more common lifestyle choice, these types of issues will fade with time.

Ugh. It sounds dumb but I think it would bother me even more if it were coworkers and strangers asking the questions.

 

[Farro]

Ugh. It sounds dumb but I think it would bother me even more if it were coworkers and strangers asking the questions.

It is bizarre! But I think it's just their natural reaction, so I don't really get that upset.

 

[Jennasis]

No kids for is. By choice. We are literally just wrapping up another glorious WDW vacation as I type this. I very much look forward to sharing Disney with my nieces and nephews, but we have no desire for our own kids.

 

[GoingSince1990]

Kids can be great but can also be a royal pain in the *** and source of endless worry. Whether or not to have them is a very personal decision that is absolutely nobody else’s business.

 

[MomOfDisneyPrincess]

I can say from my experiences that it wasn't family or friends that question, but co-workers and strangers (again, Uber drivers, people I meet casually for work things or at dinner parties)!

Coming from strangers make so much more sense. If you meet someone for the first time, you have no idea what to talk to them about, but you go with something that seems safe, like talking about kids. It seems safe because the people with kids are in the majority, even if the couple is older and the kids are grown. But then if that topic falls flat, "No, we don't have kids", you have to be ready with something else. It would seem not very many people have a safe alternative and blunder into the dumb questions, "Why don't you have kids?" I think the moral of this story is, just stick to talking about the weather! It's the only safe topic!

FWIW - I get mistaken for my daughter's grandma ALL THE TIME! Granted, I was 40 when she was born and I grayed early and quit coloring at age 50, so I have quite the beautiful silver mane, but still. I am not a grandmother. I just smile and go with it. My daughter doesn't bother correcting them either. I have explained to her that we have wide generations in our family because there is more to life than popping out babies just because your reproductive organs are mature. Go to college, have a career, travel, experience life and then decide if you want to get married and have children. There's no rush, or at least you have a good 30 years or so of child bearing potential and modern fertility options plus adoption when you decide you are ready. Just because someone else may have had a baby at 20 and that child had a baby at 20 and is a grandma to a 13 year old at age 53, doesn't make their life decision wrong because I don't value it as much as my way of thinking. I also don't want to be the kind of person who says something hurtful or insulting to a perfect stranger who made an incorrect assumption. The spirit of the conversation was pleasant to begin with, so I try to keep it that way. Life is too short to get upset over people unwittingly putting their foot in their mouth. I'm sure I have probably done it and had the other person extend grace to me in my time of ignorance.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Hi guys,

Please remember that here on the DIS we ask that conversations remain courteous even when disagreeing. If someone has an issue with the way that some posters express themselves please put them on ignore. If you want to participate in the discussions,keep the personal attacks out of it. If you cannot do that please don't hit that "Post Reply" button.

if you have not experienced the situation, you have no understanding. and its interesting how moms and parents are flooding in with advice, but really have no clue. This thread is for childless by choice people to talk and share experiences!

Note that once a thread is out on the discussion forums it's game for anyone to respond to, even the people that disagree with you or that you disagree with. So, just remember to be courteous when you defend your opinion.

 

[Farro]

Also, just chatting with other of you child-free by choice posters, people seem to think I will regret this choice.

Do you have regrets?

I can say I don't (especially being 45), but here are things that cross my mind from time to time:

On holidays like Halloween or Christmas, I do have fleeting moments that it would be fun to dress up a baby or buy gifts for them! But I decorate like crazy for us and buy the pets gifts.

Will I be lonely later on in life? I don't know. We have each other, hopefully for a long time. I have my siblings, friends. I hope to have us as we get older join some groups who do things like go on vacations together, etc. But then I try to enjoy my life in the moment and not concentrate too much on what may or may not happen

Do I feel unfulfilled? Nope, not one bit.

When I look at the things I (rarely) feel like I may be missing out on, you can see they are all mostly selfish reasons, things that affect me personally. What I don't miss is probably the most important part of being a parent - helping to mold a young child into a productive, happy adult.
You all have fun doing that, not for me! Am I selfish for not wanting to do that? Maybe?

 

[Floridaman999]

My older brother has chosen to be child free, but he certainly enjoys spending time with and spoiling his nieces and nephews. Seems like it's been an excellent trade off for him. He tells me he has no regrets.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I don’t think it’s selfish to want to be childless.

I think it’s selfish to have children for the wrong reasons, or to wish that on others.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Kids can be great but can also be a royal pain in the *** and source of endless worry. Whether or not to have them is a very personal decision that is absolutely nobody else’s business.

Amen.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

OP has stated Mothers Day where she lives was in March. I don't know about anybody else, but I know the dates of very few foreign holidays: Bastille Day July 14; Cinco de Mayo May 5; Canadian Thanksgiving some time in October.

Yeah you missed the point of the post and it had nothing to do with what you're talking about. You may not know me quite well enough but I know others understood that I was not insinuating that on a general notation that every person out there is responsible for knowing all the holidays of other cultures/countries

In any case it still would have been..interesting..had the OP posted on the day Ireland has mother's day. Honestly, it's not the topic on this exact date to me though it still comes off as interesting. I agree with a PP it's the delivery. Left less open to conversation when you say you're tired of judgement at the same time as pondering if 2 generations of all mothers could have had amazing lives and careers (as if they didn't have amazing lives because they had children ) if only they didn't have children. I don't recall any of the other threads inquiring about the choice to be childless as going that route by the creator of the thread

 

[BadPinkTink]

Do you have regrets?

No I dont either, I have a niece and she is adorable but I see the work and responsibilities and the sacrifices my sister makes and I think not for me

Will I be lonely later on in life?

No, as I will be able to make choices and put a support system in place for myself. I know I wont be a burden on a younger generation, I know I wont make any feel obligated to look after me.

Do I feel unfulfilled?

Gosh no, in fact when I look at work colleagues and people my age who have kids, I see all the life experiences, opportunities and achievements I have done in the same time period which I would never have had if I had children.

 

[3smithboys]

As a teacher for 25 years, I’ve seen too many people who had had children and should not have had them.... so I think anyone who makes a conscious decision not to have any, good for you! Why should anyone be pressured into having kids because they feel like it’s the thing to do? Kids are a lot of work and expensive. I wouldn’t give mine up, but I understand why some people choose to remain childless.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

So, there are a lot of elderly parents out there who have children that do NOT take care of them in their old age. Please everyone, don't count on that.

We do think about this. We have insurance, etc. and are saving to be able to have ourselves have the care we need. Perhaps move to a retirement village when the time comes.

Agreed on expecting. You don't know what the future holds on that. You may outlive your kids sadly.

As for retirement village it's actually still the same concern. My grandmother lives in an assisted living facility. While the place takes care of certain things other things my mom does constantly-picking up and sorting medication, purchasing clothing for my grandmother, taking her to doctor's appointments, and many more things.

Those things can be handled though without her it's just added costs. You would hire out someone to drive you to appointments, I assume there's someone to shop for you when you get to an age where mobility is not feasible at all for that, you would hire someone to come take care of your medications, etc. Some places may have those services included but I'm assuming those places are quite high to begin with. The place where my grandmother is is $$$$ in terms of costs though it's quite nice of a place.

 

[fla4fun]

I don’t have children and never wanted to have them. I would not have the time or patience to parent the way I feel children should be in order to become productive members of society. I think it’s really important for people to want children and to be willing to make sacrifices for them before actually having them. That is just not me. I don’t even have any children in my friends and family circle, and I am more than OK with that.

I have never really had to deal with questions though. Maybe people can just tell I’m not the parenting kind . . .