Childless By Choice

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I find when people do have strong reactions to it, it's mostly men, don't know why.

I have the complete opposite reaction. Guys have zero interest in why I haven't had kids yet lol they don't care one whit like they don't even think to ask. We must be conversing with way different types of males then Now maybe my husband has received comments from males though he hasn't told me.

All comments I've received have been from women with the exception of my step-father-in-law joking around about when the grandkids were coming along.

Now we're not childless by choice as in forever, we are childless by choice at the moment and every now and then people see it that we've been together for a long while, been married for a while and are getting older and inquire.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I celebrate my mother on Mother's Day. I don't look to be celebrated. So, in my 40 years of NOT being a mother, I was always "in the club", because I had a mother.

I agree with you there. Today we took my mom out for breakfast, yesterday we spent the day with my husband's mother. My husband and I don't have children yet but we have always taken time for Mother's Day to spend time our mothers.

If we never ever had kids the above would still exist.

 

[disneychrista]

I get where you’re coming from. Try saying you don’t like or want pets...same reaction.

When we lost our dog my mom started sending me photo's of different rescues. When I told her, we weren't looking for a new dog right now. Her response was a shocked "why?" She has 8 dogs (all rescues) and 5 - 6 cats. To her, it is beyond belief that someone wouldn't want a dog/cat/pet or multiple.

 

[kdonnel]

My wife and I were childless for the first 5 years of our marriage. Based on my parents and my wife's parents had a real hard time understanding we wanted to have time in our marriage where it was just the two of us before we decided if we wanted to have a family because it was not at all how they had done it, both had their first child almost 9 months to the day after getting married.

I see more and more couples waiting until years into their marriage before having a family. Not only are they waiting longer to have kids once married, they are waiting longer to get married.


https://www.cnn.com/2019/01/10/health/us-fertility-rate-replacement-cdc-study/index.html
Looks like more and more are either choosing not to have kids or choosing to have fewer kids.

"We have been seeing fertility rates go down, and I think it has a lot to do with women and men, couples in particular, having much more control over their reproductive lives," Benjamin said.

Where there be a time in the future where birth control is outlawed so as to ensure a necessary fertility rate? Or will the government enact additional incentives to have children?

 

[barkley]

exactly, I just think of all those women of my parents and grandparents generation who could have had amazing lives and careers and could have changed the world but they were just seen as baby makers and that they HAD to have children.

i don't think having children excludes a woman from having an amazing career or life-i encounter amazing women of all ages and generations and while it would never occur to me to inquire if they had children i suspect a good number have. it's also not something exclusive to recent generations-my grandmother began having children in the late 1800's (my dad was around the middle of 11 kids and he was born in 1912) yet she successfully co-owned and operated several newspapers with my grandfather for years. some of her children opted to be childless but others who did not still managed to become highly successful women in their career paths (one was the top administrator in one of the biggest school districts in the u.s.-back in the 60's and 70's). shoot, for an example of children not preventing a woman from having a spectacular life and career you've only to look at ruth bader ginsberg, it certainly didn't prevent her from following her dreams.


it irks me when i overhear people questioning/harassing/bashing others about their life choices be it opting not to have kids, having kids and choosing to not be a sahp, or a wealth of other choices and options. my personal choice-is to not surround myself with nor interact with rude, hateful and judgmental people (no matter how 'well intentioned' their judgments be)

 

[barkley]

I see more and more couples waiting until year into their marriage before having a family. Not only are they waiting longer to have kids once married, they are waiting longer to get married.

i'm seeing the opposite mindset w/my dd's peers (she is 25). many are in long term relationships that they/i view as fully committed as any marriage but are open and forthcoming with their plans to never legally marry until such time that they decide they want to have children (and those that plan to remain childless have no plans to every legally marry).

 

[BadPinkTink]

i don't think having children excludes a woman from having an amazing career or life-i encounter amazing women of all ages and generations and while it would never occur to me to inquire if they had children i suspect a good number have. it's also not something exclusive to recent generations-my grandmother began having children in the late 1800's (my dad was around the middle of 11 kids and he was born in 1912) yet she successfully co-owned and operated several newspapers with my grandfather for years. some of her children opted to be childless but others who did not still managed to become highly successful women in their career paths (one was the top administrator in one of the biggest school districts in the u.s.-back in the 60's and 70's). shoot, for an example of children not preventing a woman from having a spectacular life and career you've only to look at ruth bader ginsberg, it certainly didn't prevent her from following her dreams.


it irks me when i overhear people questioning/harassing/bashing others about their life choices be it opting not to have kids, having kids and choosing to not be a sahp, or a wealth of other choices and options. my personal choice-is to not surround myself with nor interact with rude, hateful and judgmental people (no matter how 'well intentioned' their judgments be)

For context and to explain my comment.

In Ireland between 1933 and 1973 when women got married they were forced to give up work. There was no such thing as working mothers, so a great many women of my grandparents and parents generation had no choice, they just seen as baby makers

 

[Farro]

I have the complete opposite reaction. Guys have zero interest in why I haven't had kids yet lol they don't care one whit like they don't even think to ask. We must be conversing with way different types of males then Now maybe my husband has received comments from males though he hasn't told me.

All comments I've received have been from women with the exception of my step-father-in-law joking around about when the grandkids were coming along.

Now we're not childless by choice as in forever, we are childless by choice at the moment and every now and then people see it that we've been together for a long while, been married for a while and are getting older and inquire.

I don't just mean men I meet in my life, I'm talking what I read on different message boards, social media, etc. Whenever this topic comes up, I see a lot of men chime in with their opinion on women who decide not to have children. And they have pretty strong opinions.

Perhaps you get a different reaction also because you don't want children right now, not that you don't want children ever.

Also, to clarify, it's not like I'm saying that everyday I'm asked about why I don't have children. It doesn't happen much at all anymore. But I'm relaying my experiences of what it was like when it did happen.

 

[barkley]

For context and to explain my comment.

In Ireland between 1933 and 1973 when women got married they were forced to give up work. There was no such thing as working mothers, so a great many women of my grandparents and parents generation had no choice, they just seen as baby makers

thanks for the clarification.

my maternal grandfather (born 1894) was the first member of the family to be born in the u.s. (i believe his mother was pregnant with him when they departed ireland). grandpa practiced allot of the irish catholic traditions he was raised with but he raised both his dd's (he limited himself to 2 children) to be independent and self reliant. both my mom and aunt (born around 1920) always said they never felt that marriage/children were their only options in life.

 

[North of Mouse]

Amazing lives and careers (your words OP) cannot take the place of motherhood - my heart is extra full today.
But, if you don't want children, whether from selfishness (I know some) or otherwise, then really you do not need children in your life. (Notice I did not say if you 'could not' have children). They are precious and need tender, loving nourishment from devoted parents.

Like others, I feel like you chose a strange day to post the topic you did! This day is devoted to mothers, and mother figures! My life would have been horribly incomplete without our three which have long left the nest.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don't just mean men I meet in my life, I'm talking what I read on different message boards, social media, etc. Whenever this topic comes up, I see a lot of men chime in with their opinion on women who decide not to have children. And they have pretty strong opinions.

Perhaps you get a different reaction also because you don't want children right now, not that you don't want children ever.

Also, to clarify, it's not like I'm saying that everyday I'm asked about why I don't have children. It doesn't happen much at all anymore. But I'm relaying my experiences of what it was like when it did happen.

Actually I don't specify ever or just not now when discussing with people. I added that in for clarity for the discussion between you and me because this thread is about childless by choice. I don't really think it's because I don't have children now vs a plan to have children because that's not really discussed.. Women are the ones to initiate the questions to me, never the guys. They don't care at all lol. I'm 31, been married for 6 years and together with my husband for 11 1/2 years. That gets noticed hence the questions

But I do get what you mean now as in you see random comments on message boards, social media, etc. I chalk that up to it's a certain sort of guy. FWIW I see plenty of rude/judgemental comments from women a lot less from men. Though perhaps we just have different experiences

 

[Farro]

Amazing lives and careers (your words OP) cannot take the place of motherhood - my heart is extra full today.
But, if you don't want children, whether from selfishness (I know some) or otherwise, then really you do not need children in your life. (Notice I did not say if you 'could not' have children). They are precious and need tender, loving nourishment from devoted parents.

Like others, I feel like you chose a strange day to post the topic you did! This day is devoted to mothers, and mother figures! My life would have been horribly incomplete without our three which have long left the nest.

Does that sound condescending? Perhaps I'm reading into it.

I don't see a problem with posting this today. Today is a day where those of us who decided not have children are reminded of our decision (not in a bad way). It's nice to relate to others like me on this day. It doesn't take away from anyone's celebration of our moms.

 

[anneboleyn]

Amazing lives and careers (your words OP) cannot take the place of motherhood - my heart is extra full today.
But, if you don't want children, whether from selfishness (I know some) or otherwise, then really you do not need children in your life. (Notice I did not say if you 'could not' have children). They are precious and need tender, loving nourishment from devoted parents.

lol wow. I don’t think those who choose not to have children are “selfish” at all. To be completely honest, in my line of work, I encounter more parents who are selfish and just see additional children as a bigger welfare check.

 

[cinnaminny]

I have three kids but I don't pressure my kids to have kids and have said, its okay if you decide you never want kids. That isn't for everyone. And you certainly shouldn't do it to make anyone else happy.

As I got older, I stopped even asking people if they had kids because I knew a few child free couples and it was a touchy subject for them. They either didn't want them and were tired of people asking. Or they couldn't have kids. They would complain that people would always harass them about it. So I stopped asking about it with new acquaintances. I also don't start off by asking about peoples jobs, because I don't think that defines people either.

I will say about, The exclusion by friends and peers from conversations or social occasions, cos its a "moms" thing. Maybe its an innocent mistake, like they feel like you would be disinterested. I would say something to a friend. BUT and this is just my experience, while some of the child free folks I know are wonderful and love kids even though they never had them. Some of the others are not so much. There are extremes on both sides of the scales. I know a few who call people Breeders, eye rolling about piano recitals and softball accomplishments, complain about kids not acting like perfect adults in public and are very critical of parents. My favorites are the lifelong bachelors who are parental experts. Those people are probably excluded for a reason.

 

[Hikergirl]

For context and to explain my comment.

In Ireland between 1933 and 1973 when women got married they were forced to give up work. There was no such thing as working mothers, so a great many women of my grandparents and parents generation had no choice, they just seen as baby makers

It seems that was implemented for economic reasons and not to force married women to become "baby makers".
It was thought that since women were married they were supported by their husbands and therefore did not need to be employed, and it didn't matter if they had children or not. That left job openings for men and single women especially during times of high unemployment.

 

[Kitty 34]

I never wanted kids and had no problem shutting people down with a quick, passing comment of "I'm happiest enjoying my life just as it is." There were few that ever really followed up on that.

I lost some friends (or didn't lose them, but they grew distant) when they became mothers as the ones who were interested solely in the "mom life" didn't have time for DINKs or single people. Which is fine. Now I have stepchildren I could NOT love more. I've learned so much having them in my life and my heart is a bit larger (don't tell anyone, it's usually a cold black pit of fire). I still don't want biological kids (honestly, I'm not getting younger), just no interest.

I have had some comments about "owing it to society." Those are the worst. I think I owe society to be a decent human. I'm pretty sure that's where my obligation ends.

I think today is a good day to discuss this. Lots of childless by choice people (especially women) feel awkward on today. I hope all of you childless folks (for any reason) enjoy the holiday celebrating your own mother. That's what I'll be doing.

@Kitty 34 - what a great story for a start to the day. Lots of step moms are called "Bonus Moms" but it's a perfect term for a MIL too. How awesomely cute!

Thank you, Amberpi.

 

[Squirlz]

wow, thats great.

I think it has to do with the people in your life. I'm one of four children and only one of us has kids. Thinking about all of my friends the vast majority are child-free.

 

[debster812]

if you have not experienced the situation, you have no understanding. and its interesting how moms and parents are flooding in with advice, but really have no clue. This thread is for childless by choice people to talk and share experiences!

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you aren't allowed to dictate who this thread is or is not for.

And, as part of the 'dreaded mommy brigade', I say kudos to you for making your choice, and not bowing to the pressure. However, we vacation every August with a group of friends. The other 3 couples are child free, and the 8 of us manage to get along quite well.

 

[ashley0139]

lol wow. I don’t think those who choose not to have children are “selfish” at all. To be completely honest, in my line of work, I encounter more parents who are selfish and just see additional children as a bigger welfare check.

I'm not sure why anyone thinks not having kids is selfish. It's selfish either way. Parents have kids because they want them. That's selfish too.

 

[Farro]

I think it has to do with the people in your life. I'm one of four children and only one of us has kids. Thinking about all of my friends the vast majority are child-free.

I've noticed that more of the ladies in my age group also decided not to have children than those that did.

My 18 year old niece has declared she doesn't want children. Of course she may change her mind, but I like to think that I showed her that she can feel free to choose not to have children and still have a happy, fulfilling and productive life. And that she can be in a committed, loving relationship and not feel the need to get married if it's not for her.

I think a lot of young women now have those of us who are older and chose this lifestyle as examples that they do have other choices and none of them are the wrong choice.