Family shower issue. What would you do

[Gumbo4x4]

I thought this was gonna be about the fight for hot water.

 

[starry_solo]

This whole dynamic is weird. When the OP received the original call, did the co-worker ask for the contact information for the family members? Or did OP volunteer it?

Showers thrown by co-workers are usually held at work, during the lunch hour, and only involve the co-workers and possibly the pregnant person's significant other. Family members aren't invited to showers thrown by co-workers.

 

[BrianL]

I thought this was gonna be about the fight for hot water.

Haha, me too! I actually thought it would be about picking new tile or something, but the thread was not what I expected.

 

[Wishing on a star]

But now the work friend wants me to call my niece and tell her that her DD is not invited.

If this friend from work is planning the party, and is in charge of the guest list, it is their responsibility. Not your issue.

I can still not see how a co-worker should be planning a baby shower for your family?????
But, if that is how it is going to be.... LET THEM PLAN IT.

If you were going to be involved, at all, and if this were your issue, at all.... Then you should be able to have the toddler invited if that is what you want.

I still say, plan your own shower.

 

[luvsJack]

We have wedding/baby showers for co workers constantly. And close family is always invited. They don’t always come but they are invited. Same with retirement parties.

If the shower is AT work, that may be why they need t backtrack now on kids. I would contact the person who called in the first place and clarify if it’s all kids under a certain age or what. And then I would let my family know. It’s really not that big of a deal. If anyone chooses not to attend, not really a problem.

 

[sk!mom]

Since you're the one who asked about the 18 month old in the first place, I think you should make the call to uninvited her. I could see the co-worker having been caught off guard when you asked her initially, or even thought "sure, it's fine". Then when talking with other co-workers who may also be in on the planning, they all decided no kids for whatever reasons. Perhaps too many people on the invite list have little kids, and they don't want to say yes to some and no to others. When she called you, it seems it was the beginning stages of planning, and they very well could have not even talked to each other about kids yet. And I would just say that to the 18 month olds mom.

I agree with this. It is quite possible that the person who called for addresses was caught off guard and upon reflection, they all realized that they do not want children at the shower.

You took it upon yourself to ask her when she only called for addresses so what's the problem with sorting it out now?

Honestly, I never understand why people want to bring children to what is clearly an adult event. It puts the host in an uncomfortable position to tell you no.

 

[Wendy31]

Well, the shower may not necessarily be a work shower - the coworker may be a close friend of the mother-to-be in addition to being a coworker, & the friend/coworker has volunteered to host a baby shower & wants to include friends, coworkers, family, etc.

The original post is not very clear, but I could see different scenarios happening -

* the coworker already had a list of invitees & whom she planned to invite, but needed the addresses, so she contacted the mother for only the addresses

* the coworker had a list of invitees but needed both addresses &/or the names of additional guests that the mother-to-be wished to include, so she contacted the mother for both names & addresses - in the original post, she said she was contacted for names and addresses, but I'm not sure what that means - did the coworker just need clarification on the full names or was the coworker asking for the names of people she needed to invite?

In the above scenario, I could see where, when the OP was giving her niece's name & address, she would ask about the niece's daughter.

I've been involved in showers both as the guest of honor & as the hostess. 2 coworkers hosted a baby shower for me, & they asked me for any names of family members that I wished to invite since this baby shower was the only one I was having. I didn't go crazy & only added my mother, mother-in-law, sister, & 2 sisters-in-law.

However, I've also been the hostess of a bridal shower which I attended to be a family shower for about 25 people. The guest of honor asked me if I could invite a "few" of her friends as well, &, when I said that was fine & asked for the addresses & she gave me her additional list of invitees, suddenly I found myself hosting a shower for over 100 guests - for which I was not prepared. I even had to change the venue.

Again, I can see legitimate reasons why a hostess needed to limit the guest list & not include younger children. I could also see where she might have been taken off guard when the OP originally asked her about her niece's young child.

I think it depends on how the niece's child was originally included - and was the niece's child's name written on the invitation? Or was it more of a "Would it be okay if niece brings child?" request? The hostess said yes, but, now, that she's given it more thought she realizes, for whatever reason, younger children can't be included.

Regarding the other children, it really does go back to whose names are on the invitations.

OP - it really doesn't have to be stressful & drama-filled. I originally said the hostess needed to contact the niece, but, since you're related to the niece, I can see where the hostess would feel more comfortable w/ you contacting your niece, especially if the "invitation" to your niece's child was just word of mouth from the hostess to you to your niece - after you asked the hostess. Just a little "Oops! I was mistaken! The guest list doesn't include young children..."

And then go to the shower, enjoy the time w/ your daughter, &, afterward, thank the hostess for giving your daughter a shower.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I wouldn't be allowing my DD's coworker to let me and DD's FAMILY know we can't bring the kids in OUR family. That's something we can decide on as a family unit since in my circle family throws the baby shower. Not an outsider letting us know what we can and can't do.

I would politely let the coworker know "we are throwing our own shower separately." If DD's husband or SO would like to attend that's great. But the entire family? NO thanks.

 

[Kellydelly]

I think that the person who told you that yes the toddler could come is now the person who can explain to the mother of the toddler that she is no longer welcome. It is customary that the name on the envelope is the only person invited. If the invite isn't addressed to "Sally and daughter" then the little one is considered excluded.

For my bridal shower my sister hosted it at her home and she didn't want any babies or kids there. My matron of honor had two girls, a 6 yr old that was my flower girl and a toddler. She insisted she was bringing both girls to the shower. My sister insisted that she keep her at home. In the end my friend did the right thing and left her kids at home. My sister sure got bent out of shape over it, though.

If the event is at a restaurant or somewhere that the host is paying per person, kids definitely need to be formally invited. I personally do get a little ticked off when my daughters ages 14-18 are not included in shower invites now. I consider them old enough to be invited, at least to the ones that are thrown at someone's home that aren't costing an arm and a leg.

 

[luvsJack]

I wouldn't be allowing my DD's coworker to let me and DD's FAMILY know we can't bring the kids in OUR family. That's something we can decide on as a family unit since in my circle family throws the baby shower. Not an outsider letting us know what we can and can't do.

I would politely let the coworker know "we are throwing our own shower separately." If DD's husband or SO would like to attend that's great. But the entire family? NO thanks.

No reason to get all up in the air about it though.

The co worker is the hostess or one of them so yes she does get to say who can and cannot attend including children.

As the Mother, the op isn’t supposed to throw her daughter a shower. If another dd or dil or the niece want to throw a shower, they can do that too. She can certainly have more than one.

I had 3 or 4 baby showers. My mom, my sister and my mil were invited to all of them.

I really am confused why a “hey family, this shower is at (place of work, bar, restaurant, whatever) so it’s for adults only. If you can’t attend we certainly understand but hope to see you there” is such a bad thing for the op to do??

 

[mi*vida*loca]

No reason to get all up in the air about it though.

The co worker is the hostess or one of them so yes she does get to say who can and cannot attend including children.

As the Mother, the op isn’t supposed to throw her daughter a shower. If another dd or dil or the niece want to throw a shower, they can do that too. She can certainly have more than one.

I had 3 or 4 baby showers. My mom, my sister and my mil were invited to all of them.

I'm not really up in the air about it. lol I've said it from the beginning that I would've declined the invite and told the coworker we would be throwing our own shower. The whole rule of the grandmother not throwing the shower is just dumb to me and I only heard about that once I started reading message boards. Our showers are always hosted by the grandmas or the aunts or the sister. It's a family affair. Everyone pitches in and helps out with one person taking most of the lead. And I've been to tons of showers. Grandma always has a big place in throwing the shower. Actually XH's mother and my mother threw my shower for DS and it was a huge party.

Whenever we do work showers it's just for coworkers. I personally wouldn't want to be invited to all of the work showers for my family and friends. Having to take a gift to multiple showers. One is enough for me. I know for a fact none of my family would've gone to my work shower even if they were invited.

 

[dish rag]

In fall one of the girls my DD works with called to get names and address since they were planning a baby shower for DD. So I gave them names and address for our family .my niece has an 18month old DD I asked if it WS OK if she came too . which I was told that would be fine. So last night I get a text from my DDIL .saying that the girl I talked didnt have my phone # so that's why she texted DDIL anyways it seems now they don't want little kids at the shower. My 10 yr old DGD can come. But now the work friend wants me to call my niece and tell her that her DD is not invited. I don't knows why she didn't say anything about it to my niece when she called to rsvp but now I'm stuck in the middle I'm just wondering if my DD is allowed to bring my DGD . she's only 3. Just wondering what you think or how to handle this awarkward situation . thanks all

It would not even dawn on me to take a 3 year old or even a 10 year old to a shower. So for me the child would just stay home.

 

[luvsJack]

I'm not really up in the air about it. lol I've said it from the beginning that I would've declined the invite and told the coworker we would be throwing our own shower. The whole rule of the grandmother not throwing the shower is just dumb to me and I only heard about that once I started reading message boards. Our showers are always hosted by the grandmas or the aunts or the sister. It's a family affair. Everyone pitches in and helps out with one person taking most of the lead. And I've been to tons of showers. Grandma always has a big place in throwing the shower. Actually XH's mother and my mother threw my shower for DS and it was a huge party.

Whenever we do work showers it's just for coworkers. I personally wouldn't want to be invited to all of the work showers for my family and friends. Having to take a gift to multiple showers. One is enough for me. I know for a fact none of my family would've gone to my work shower even if they were invited.

Lol I didn’t actually mean you, I meant for the Op to get up in the air.

Our work showers always include some of the family if we know any to contact (like at least the spouse). And usually at least the Mom attends and usually sisters and mil.

My showers for dd were work, an organization for child care directors, church, sister in laws hosted one and my sister hosted one. I don’t even know how the organization got my mom, mil and sister but they were invited. And they attended.


As far as I know it’s only your Mom that isn’t supposed to do it. Honestly have no clue why. But the one my sister hosted was actually at my Mom’s house.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I find it odd that a coworker of your daughter is planning a baby shower to include Family. I’ve seen coworkers plan Work-only showers (like over lunch) for coworkers but not a large family shower. Is this woman a very close friend to your daughter?

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I wouldn't be allowing my DD's coworker to let me and DD's FAMILY know we can't bring the kids in OUR family. That's something we can decide on as a family unit since in my circle family throws the baby shower. Not an outsider letting us know what we can and can't do.

I would politely let the coworker know "we are throwing our own shower separately." If DD's husband or SO would like to attend that's great. But the entire family? NO thanks.

No offense, mi*vida*loca but I am always amazed at how passionate some people are about children and weddings and showers. I took this as DDs coworkers are organizing a shower and wanted to invite family members. I think that is great. As they are hosting they choose the guest list. If they choose no children that is fine and I make my decision on attending or not. I also get they don't want it to be a toddler play date and that is fine. If family members do not wish to attend with these restrictions then politely decline.

I cannot imagine (but maybe I am way off here) the family not throwing a separate shower and who cares who hosts. That is when the family can decide to invite children or not, spouses or not, etc. Don't most new mothers have multiple showers? If they can only afford to attend one shower then just attend the family one with their child(ren).

I would contact the host and advise there was some confusion on children at the shower and ask for clarification. Don't push to have kids. If they say it is adults only I would let relatives with children know so they are not embarrassed. I would also let them know it is perfectly ok for them to decline if that presents a problem for them.

You also do not have to attend every single one of your daughter's showers if you are not comfortable with the guest list.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

No offense, mi*vida*loca but I am always amazed at how passionate some people are about children and weddings and showers. I took this as DDs coworkers are organizing a shower and wanted to invite family members. I think that is great. As they are hosting they choose the guest list. If they choose no children that is fine and I make my decision on attending or not. I also get they don't want it to be a toddler play date and that is fine. If family members do not wish to attend with these restrictions then politely decline.

I cannot imagine (but maybe I am way off here) the family not throwing a separate shower and who cares who hosts. That is when the family can decide to invite children or not, spouses or not, etc. Don't most new mothers have multiple showers? If they can only afford to attend one shower then just attend the family one with their child(ren).

I would contact the host and advise there was some confusion on children at the shower and ask for clarification. Don't push to have kids. If they say it is adults only I would let relatives with children know so they are not embarrassed. I would also let them know it is perfectly ok for them to decline if that presents a problem for them.

You also do not have to attend every single one of your daughter's showers if you are not comfortable with the guest list.

I love events where children aren't invited! I have absolutely no issues with kid free events. I even prefer kid free weddings. I've actually thought about doing DD's quinceanera as a kid free party (no one under 10) but then decided against it since all of our family would be there and it would be very hard for people to find sitters when everyone who usually babysits will be at the party.

I would never say anything to the hostess about not having kids. She's throwing the party on her own dime. More power to her. I would just be telling her that we are throwing our own baby shower. The conversation would've never gotten as far as the OPs did with her DD's coworker. It would've been "Oh that's great that you are throwing her a shower!! But my family is also throwing her our own shower." If she asked for addresses I would give them to her and the rest of the family can decide but I know in my family no one would've gone. I wouldn't have asked about kids being invited or any of that.

 

[Praying Colonel]

Not gonna lie--read the thread title and thought it was about a family having to share 1 bathroom.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I guess my issue (if I was the OP) is more that an outsider is throwing my DD a shower and telling us what we can and can't do. Especially if it's going to be her only baby shower, which I haven't seen the OP mention throwing her own separately. It's just so odd to me since we throw showers for our own family members. Again, like I mentioned before, I would just politely decline and tell her we are throwing our own shower.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

The people that were invited and had their names on the invitation should go and nobody else. If the children were included on the invitation then they are invited guests.

 

[Hikergirl]

I guess my issue (if I was the OP) is more that an outsider is throwing my DD a shower and telling us what we can and can't do. Especially if it's going to be her only baby shower, which I haven't seen the OP mention throwing her own separately. It's just so odd to me since we throw showers for our own family members. Again, like I mentioned before, I would just politely decline and tell her we are throwing our own shower.

I don't see it like they are telling you what you can and can't do, they are just hosting a shower, inviting family but not inviting children.
It would be no different than family hosting it, inviting coworkers, but not inviting their kids.

I have never been to a co-worker shower where family was invited, it was just the co-workers.
Families usually have their own showers (and have invited co-workers that were friends with the mom/bride to be).
Maybe the OP's dd didn't want 2 showers, maybe this isn't her first child so the family wasn't planning on having a shower but the co-workers wanted to do something. It doesn't seem like the norm to have a mixed co-worker/family shower, but there isn't anything wrong with it.