Have you ever seen this at a funeral?

[Laura66]

I would never worry about whether or not I received a thank you note at a funeral.

In my area it's the norm to send flowers or give money at a funeral. It's useuly used to offset funeral costs, help the family or donated to a charity in the deceased name. When my brother passed away suddenly last year my mother and I wrote thank you notes for any money, flowers, food, cards or persons who attended his funeral.
Again, I would never expect the same or pass judgement on those who didn't do what we did.

 

[happygirl]

I would never worry about whether or not I received a thank you note at a funeral.

 

[branv]

While I've never heard of giving money, except for when donations are asked for in lieu of flower, I can see why it may be deeply appreciated to offset the insane expense of funerals (and perhaps medical expenses or lost income). I do know that it's supposed to be good etiquette to send thank you notes to people who send flowers, donations, food. And I can be pretty persnickety about thank you note etiquette in many situations. But not in a million years would I judge a grieving person for not sending me a thank you note after a funeral. EVER. And I would not have a very good impression of someone who did. That kind of person obviously needs a healthy dose of empathy and perspective.

 

[Minnesota!]

ETA: Just remembered: When my father passed away a few years ago, the funeral home gave us complimentary "thank you" cards with the family name already printed on the cover of them. To not have requested them,it seems to me that it is considered *customary* for these cards to be used.

I know the funeral homes around here offer thank you cards...with the deceased's family name inside....for you to have.

As I have stated before, it's common/expected to bring a card/with money to a funeral/wake. And yes, thank you cards are sent out.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my mom as she wrote out the hundred's for my dad's funeral. It was a big "project" but she got comfort out of it - being able to thank each person individually who came to honor my dad.

I have not seen the sticker thing - I think it is kind of weird - but I can see it happening around here...where thank you cards are written for everything!

 

[cluvsdisney]

I think getting a thank you card for giving something at a funeral is just plain crazy. The family has enough to deal with, why in the world should they be worried about sending out thank you cards. Just crazy. IMHO.

ITA! I thought it was ridiculous we felt we had to send thank you notes to the people who not only sent flowers or brought cards but even the people who simply signed the guest book at the wake for my father.


That said, I think the green sticker system is very odd.

 

[denisem]

I know the funeral homes around here offer thank you cards...with the deceased's family name inside....for you to have.

As I have stated before, it's common/expected to bring a card/with money to a funeral/wake. And yes, thank you cards are sent out.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table with my mom as she wrote out the hundred's for my dad's funeral. It was a big "project" but she got comfort out of it - being able to thank each person individually who came to honor my dad.

I have not seen the sticker thing - I think it is kind of weird - but I can see it happening around here...where thank you cards are written for everything!

Ah, glad to see I'm not the only one. I found comfort in sending the thank-yous after my DH and mother died. Previously, when DH's unmarried sister died, I offered to help, but he also found the same comfort by personally thanking everyone who took the time to honor the dead.

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect that of others, as they may be living entirely different circumstances and respect their situations.

Oh, and within my experience/locale/family custom, money was given for the family's wishes, whether it be a charity, mass cards or expenses.

 

[Randi]

I've had way too much experience with family funerals. The next will be mine, & I have prepaid it & specified instructions. My friends will have to decide whether thank you cards are necessary.

The norm in this area & has been since the 1950's is to send thank you cards only for tangible items like food, flowers, charity donations, etc. If someone went above & beyond like the neighbor who baby sat my toddler so I could go to my GM's services, they also got a card. The funeral director gave me a booklet with tips on who to send cards to.

Charity donations were handed to the director at the calling hours or sent to the funeral home. In turn, the family received a list of who donated, amt & which charity if we had listed two. The funeral home sent donations directly to the charity.

 

[Jennasis]

I think getting a thank you card for giving something at a funeral is just plain crazy. The family has enough to deal with, why in the world should they be worried about sending out thank you cards. Just crazy. IMHO.

I concur.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Well, I've been directly involved with funerals from both sides (part of the grieving family at some and a friend at others).

I've never heard of (or seen) money being given at funerals. And I've never sent or received thank you cards.

 

[LiveYourLife]

I'm usually cognizant of whether or not I get 'thank you' letters and such. When it comes to funerals though, I don't give it a thought.

When I make a donation, or send flowers, or food when someone loses a loved one I don't give one whit whether they send me a thank you in a timely manner, or ever.

I agree with your sentiments 100%, Bob NC

OP, yes, it's strange and no, I've never seen that before.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I'm in SoCal and we do money and thank you cards for gift and flowers at funerals.

Maybe it is a "per family" thing? My aunt in Michigan was unnerved at getting loads of money in each sympathy card when her husband passed away. Everyone pretty much sent $50 or $100 and we sat and helped her open them; there were SO many. She also found solace in writing thank you notes, although we told her with that many, it was not expected.

 

[PizzieDuster]

I haven't seen it at a funeral, but after my brother died, my parents got checks in the mail. There wasn't any request. My mother wrote thank you notes to those, to people who sent flowers to the church, one Aunt bought trays of food to be delivered to our home and a set of football parents who sons my father coached - they came to set up and serve everyone. Thank goodness, because even though it was at my home, I sat upstairs in my room and cried most the time.

 

[scrapquitler]

Went to a funeral last week, and on top of the drop box for the sympathy cards was a long flowery statement that basically said, "If you don't care if you get a thank you, put a green sticker on the outside of your card envelope". Since I had put a check in (which I would be able to tell if it cashed or not online), I went ahead and put a sticker on mine, but thought it was sort of odd. What was even more strange was that today we got a thank you note for that check anyways! Obviously whoever was writing them didn't know what the green stickers meant . My DH (always a smart aleck) said,"I'm surprised they just didn't have us address our own thank yous like at showers".

"No thank you required" for sympathy cards/$$--good or bad?

Terri

When my Dad passed away, my Mom wrote thank you notes to every single person who sent her a sympathy card. I can see writing thank you notes to people who brought food or who sent flowers, etc. (the $$$ gifts for a funeral is something I only ever heard of here on the DIS, never seen that in my life), but I think it is plain silly to send a thank you note to someone who sent a card.

Personally, I don't care if I ever get a thank you card for anything. I write them because I know people expect them, but I don't care if anyone ever sends one to me.

 

[Laura66]

For me, when my brother died, the people who came, sent flowers or shared memories of him with me - well it was just so touching that they did that. Writing thank yous to everyone - whether they sent a card, called, gave money just touched my soul. It waS very - I can't think of the right words - to thank them all.
Next week will be the one year anniversary of his death and reading all those cards and notes will be very - again - I can't find words - comforting? That he and I were love and cared about by so many.

Sorry for the poor grammar - I'm a bit emotional.

 

[klj27]

We just had my Dad's funeral days ago. So far I have written over 40 thank you cards. I wrote a personal message in each card and am sending them to those who made a memorial donation, sent flowers, etc, and gave of themselves in some way. We split them up among three people. I am guessing the other two will write 60 between the two of them.

The thing that I found strange was that the Church provides a luncheon for after the mass and burial. We were handed a list of every person who donated an item to the luncheon and their address. I had to write 18 additional thank you cards because of this. Their service was well worth the time it took to write the thank yous, but if I were part of that committee I would never expect the families to send me a thank you for my brownies, veggie tray, casserole, etc. It really was an invaluable service and I am so thankful, but I wouldn't want a grieving family to have to take time out for more thank yous.

 

[ebtbmom]

I don't think I've ever been to a funeral where they were collecting money. I've heard of money being collected at work or something like that, but not at the funeral. Interesting custom.

 

[klj27]

I don't think I've ever been to a funeral where they were collecting money. I've heard of money being collected at work or something like that, but not at the funeral. Interesting custom.

Here people like to donate in memory of the deceased. We did ours to the local cancer center because they provided my dad wonderful care.

 

[Ember]

I am adamant about saying thank you. But when my mum died breathing was hard, let alone keeping track of flowers and thank you cards. It was only me and there was so much to do. I appreciates the condolences I got, but I must admit I didn't send a single thank you.

I actually had someone call me on it, too. They asked, pointedly, if I had gotten the flowers. I apologised for never saying thank you properly, but I did wish that they hadn't bothered with the flowers at that point.

 

[Robbi]

OP, I have never seen anything asking guests about no thank-you notes.
In our area, thank-you notes are sent for flowers, donations in memory of, foot brought to the house, etc. If there are younger children, usually a few friends or family members will help to write thank-you notes if the funeral is large. Sometimes, attendees will tell the family to please not worry about sending a thank-you note.
Occasionally I see requests for donations to help the family with expenses in the newspaper obits.

 

[PizzieDuster]

For me, when my brother died, the people who came, sent flowers or shared memories of him with me - well it was just so touching that they did that. Writing thank yous to everyone - whether they sent a card, called, gave money just touched my soul. It waS very - I can't think of the right words - to thank them all.
Next week will be the one year anniversary of his death and reading all those cards and notes will be very - again - I can't find words - comforting? That he and I were love and cared about by so many.

Sorry for the poor grammar - I'm a bit emotional.

I understand. I think my mom got some type of therapy out of writing those thank yous. The outpouring of love meant the world to her during this time.