Miles passed away at just before 3am this morning. The hospice had set us up with a family room and Hayley and I hadn't left his side all the time he was there. The nurses had set a bed up so that I could sleep by his side last night, and we fell asleep holding hands. It was the first time I had slept since we got there on Wednesday morning, and I think he was waiting for me to settle so that he could slip away calmly.
He wasn't in any pain and was very calm at the end. He was heavily sedated, but even before then he hadn't really been properly alert for days. I think he was ready to go last week, he was so very very tired, but he wanted to let his Mum's birthday pass on the 7th first. He told the doctors on Wednesday that he was too tired to fight anymore and that although he hadn't been ready at home, he felt calmer at the hospice. He said he was scared to die and felt as if the doors were closing on him, but that he thought it might be nice when they finally did. He never said he was suffering, he was always so brave and didn't want us to be upset, but he had been struggling to take even the smallest breath for a couple of weeks.
He came round briefly on Thursday and told Hayley and I how how much he loved us both and that he was sorry he couldn't stay with us any more. He said he had the best years anyone could wish for and never dreamed he could be so happy. He told Hayley how proud he was of her everyday and that we should try to think of him happily and not be too sad for too long, he would always be by our sides. He said that he thought they were coming for him now so he wanted to tell us bye-bye, then drifted back off to sleep. He woke again very briefly that night and waved his fingers at me and smiled, then on Friday took his oxygen mask of to say I love you and we had chance to just give him a little kiss, and although he wasn't awake I am sure he knew what he was doing.
He was such a lovely man, a wonderful husband and a fantastic Dad, and it's so hard that only 13 weeks ago he still OK. He lived for 7 weeks 2 days from his diagnosis. We were on holiday at the end of April having a wonderful time with no idea that even the slightest thing was wrong. I guess in some ways it is a blessing that it was so quick, but that doesn't make it any easier. We were so lucky to have had him with us, and there is never enough time for anyone, but our time was so very short... we just feel broken.
Hayley and I are at my parents at the moment just shuffling around trying things to distract us while we build up the courage to go back home, so I decided to take the opportunity to tell you what had happened. Hope I haven't gone on too much, but it helps so much to write it all down.
Thanks to everyone here for your support, so many of you coping with your own tragedies too... I don't have anyone in my life who understands how it feels to have the plans for the rest of your life erased at such an early age. I know that everyone has to go, but it's so unfair that the best are taken from us so young.
Amanda x
Amanda, lifting Miles, you and Hayley up in prayer in the days ahead. Blessings to you all during this most difficult time. Praying for peace, comfort and Gods strength for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. You all continue to be very much in my thoughts and prayers.
