Should I pay for my college student?

[amberpi]

I can't comment on this because I don't have kids, but I will share an experience. My ex's family did not do/provide for him the way they did for some of their children and it definitely contributed to his issues as an adult, and he had loads of them. I'm simply suggesting that whatever is done just make sure its presented in such a way that doesn't suggest favoritism. I saw how much childhood and then familial favoritism can really mess people up.

 

[mom2rtk]

I see lots of focus on being fair to your youngest, but what about your older daughter? Is it fair her sister went on her trip but she can't go on her sister's? Is it "fair" that your younger daughter lives with both her mother and father, while your oldest has divorced parents for example? I'm sure your oldest has had to go through many changes and emotions that your youngest hasn't had to deal with. Things will never be fair since we all have different roads.

I also really wonder about your husband. Is he encouraging to take the friend over your other daughter? I hope is both wise and kind enough to be pushing for his step-daughter.

And I wonder about the recent trip to Mexico with Dad. I wonder if this is mom and stepdad's way of trying to make this "equal" to the younger daughter who didn't get to go to Mexico.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, I will apologize for using the term snowflake if that is just so offensive.
I will, however, repeat my point, that if somebody is that offended and has such issues simply over a trip that they did not get to participate in as an 21 year old adult. With out other valid underlying issues. Then, yes, IMHO, that would indicate either entitlement or what could be described as 'snowflake'.

That was the topic of that post.... Another poster mentioned mature grown adults who had hard feelings over a trip....
And, I posted my response.

As always, that is my thought/opinion.
I stand by it.
And I will refuse to further engage with those who want to quote and personally attack me.

I have not personally attacked anyone who would happen to include an older, adult, kid. (In fact, once AGAIN, I stated quite the opposite... I would pay for my grown son...)
But, there seems to be a whole lot of attack and guilt tripping coming from the other side.
Always a double standard......

And, having said that....

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

And I wonder about the recent trip to Mexico with Dad. I wonder if this is mom and stepdad's way of trying to make this "equal" to the younger daughter who didn't get to go to Mexico.

The is a precedent set here with the trips for senior graduating high school so no I don't honestly think the mom is trying to make things equal. If the eldest daughter didn't have a trip that mirrored exactly how the youngest's trip is looking to be (aside from the financial/grade/other trip stuff) then that might be a different situation.

It actually seems the opposite in that the mom is trying to hold what her ex did over her daughter's head. Adult child or not you take that up with your ex you don't sit there and effectively take it out on your child for the decisions your ex made.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, excellent post Amber! I hit the 'like' button.

And, I thought about the Mexico thing too....
I am not thinking that this is the case. But who knows!

Fair isn't always equal, and equal isn't always fair.

 

[Kingdome8]

Pay for to go.

School is important but family vacations are as well. Down the road she may not include you on vacations and you will want this time back. My oldest just turned 13 and I hope she wants to go on vaca with us forever. I dread the day she says she doesn't want to go.

I think vacations are so important to go on as a family.

College is very important as well and should be taken seriously. Def address that. It don't make her feel left out of a family trip. She's still a kid as well.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Okay, I will apologize for using the term snowflake if that is just so offensive.
I will, however, repeat my point, that if somebody is that offended and has such issues simply over a trip that they did not get to participate in as an 21 year old adult. With out other valid underlying issues. Then, yes, IMHO, that would indicate either entitlement or what could be described as 'snowflake'.

That was the topic of that post.... Another poster mentioned mature grown adults who had hard feelings over a trip....
And, I posted my response.

As always, that is my thought/opinion.
I stand by it.
And I will refuse to further engage with those who want to quote and personally attack me.

I have not personally attacked anyone who would happen to include an older, adult, kid. (In fact, once AGAIN, I stated quite the opposite... I would pay for my grown son...)
But, there seems to be a whole lot of attack and guilt tripping coming from the other side.
Always a double standard......

And, having said that....

*Sigh* people are not attacking you.

However, throughout the thread you have been combative and fairly forceful with your thoughts and then to boot you throw out a term which really didn't help it at all. As far as attacking on the thread...you should probably re-look at your own comments throughout the thread because they have def. been some subtle and not to subtle jabs at other posters. Irony is the name of the game with mentioning double standard as it's ok for your to dish out things about other posters and other people in general but you don't like it when someone comments back to you about your comments.

ETA: By the way most people prefer to quote the person they are talking to as it helps figure out the context of the comment. I understand your personal writing style is to avoid majority of the time of quoting someone and that's fine but the majority of people have the writing style of quoting when they are speaking/commenting on someone's comments.

 

[mom2rtk]

The is a precedent set here with the trips for senior graduating high school so no I don't honestly think the mom is trying to make things equal. If the eldest daughter didn't have a trip that mirrored exactly how the youngest's trip is looking to be (aside from the financial/grade/other trip stuff) then that might be a different situation.

It actually seems the opposite in that the mom is trying to hold what her ex did over her daughter's head. Adult child or not you take that up with your ex you don't sit there and effectively take it out on your child for the decisions your ex made.

Except that the younger sister's trip isn't the exact same as the older sister's. Older sister got to bring a friend AND a sister.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Except that the younger sister's trip isn't the exact same as the older sister's. Older sister got to bring a friend AND a sister.

Yeah I get that point too and it's a valid thought. My thought is the parents didn't want to leave the youngest at home while they were gone (for whatever reason) as well as the eldest sister probably wanted her sister to actually join her.

If the OP had left the youngest at home during her eldest's trip for me at least it would make perfect sense that the eldest wouldn't get to go on the youngest's trip. Unfortunately that wasn't the case and now it's become "find whatever way possible" to not have the eldest go on the trip; at least it seems that way.

Like I said in my earlier comment if my dad treated the trip he took my sister on to WDW as a trip for her, despite me being 17 at the time, I would have stayed home. However, he did not and I went to WDW as well. Even though I'm not the eldest I would not view it as right if my dad then said when I was graduating that my sister couldn't go.

 

[DaisyJ]

Okay, I will apologize for using the term snowflake if that is just so offensive.
I will, however, repeat my point, that if somebody is that offended and has such issues simply over a trip that they did not get to participate in as an 21 year old adult. With out other valid underlying issues. Then, yes, IMHO, that would indicate either entitlement or what could be described as 'snowflake'.

That was the topic of that post.... Another poster mentioned mature grown adults who had hard feelings over a trip....
And, I posted my response.

As always, that is my thought/opinion.
I stand by it.
And I will refuse to further engage with those who want to quote and personally attack me.

I have not personally attacked anyone who would happen to include an older, adult, kid. (In fact, once AGAIN, I stated quite the opposite... I would pay for my grown son...)
But, there seems to be a whole lot of attack and guilt tripping coming from the other side.
Always a double standard......

And, having said that....

Once again, having a different opinion than you isn't attacking you nor guilt tripping.

 

[CarolAnn856]

Guilt....
Guilt....
Guilt....

[cut]

Another thing that is not okay with me, personally, is judging and 'guilting' other women/parents who do not do exactly as I would.

I've read all of the responses, and all I see is some people disagreeing with you. If you are feeling guilty based upon their responses, perhaps that is telling you something.

 

[sk!mom]

There was a thread a while back (not sure if it was when I was in lurkdom or a poster) and it was about a Mom giving a daughter about the same age money and not wanting repayment. Then when the daughter did unexpectedly give some money back, the Mom wanted to ask for the rest. There was also something about Mom not being happy about what the money was spent on.

I remember the general consensus on that board being (and I'm not exaggerating) about when they are 18 they are out on their own, all bills transferred to kids, no trips, only come home to visit, if you do move home you will be paying rent and bills and groceries.

I just mention all this because it is so different from this thread.

Please post a link, I'd love to read it.

paying for a 20yr old? Heck No

If her grades are that bad, she may be requrired to take summer classes to be able to attend in the fall

At 20, I was married, working a job, and learning how to navigate the politics of a military base

And at 18, I was married and navigating life and college with my 18 year old husband. Which is completely irrelevant to the situation in this thread,

 

[usnuzuloose]

If it was my child, no not paying. What am I teaching my child if she cant pay her bills she created, how is the child going to learn to be responsible for the bills she has. Then the child will expect someone to pay the way even if they can not pay their bills. But this is my HO, not telling you what to do.

 

[CF'er]

I commented earlier and I will comment again regarding kids at college feeling left out of a family vacation.

My DD and I have gone on 2 Disney cruises, the most recent being a couple months ago. Knowing this was going to happen DH and I decided to take my son and his fiance on our next cruise, a Carnival 5 day. This cruise is in October and I didn't think about taking DD as she is in college and not available to go. I didn't think of it nor label it a family vacation. She did and she got really upset and felt very left out. (DS didn't say anything about the Disney cruise he could have cared less.) I could not spin this to DD any way shape or form. She felt left out and hurt. We are now ALL taking a family cruise in Dec when the whole family (plus fiance and friend of DD) can go.

 

[rigs32]

Is this trip a graduation celebration? A senior trip? A family vacation? All of the above?

I ask because if you threw a big family party to celebrate the younger's graduation and the older couldn't afford the plane/bus fare or gas to come home for it, would you help older financially to get her home? Or would you say we'll miss you and move on because you spent all your money on getting the party catered leaving nothing to help the older when you could have cut the fancy chocolate fountain to help older get home. Would you refuse to cut the chocolate fountain for younger because older had one even if that meant older has to miss her sister's party?

 

[Wishing on a star]

I said that I personally could/would/probably will pay for our grown son....
And I know that this is exactly what I will do when that time arises.
I took the middle ground.
I said I didn't see a 'mandate' to pay for a 21 year old. That I would not guilt-trip.
I said different things work for different families, and wished the OP well with whatever her decision might be.

Given the above, yes, some of the post that have actually quoted and twisted my words in a negative way...
That is far different than offering one's opinion as a WWYD.
And the open guilt-tripping....
Those are the posts that I am responding to.
Just sayin'

 

[Pacolovestacos]

I guess I'm one of the oddballs. I don't have kids, but if I did, I would simply want them to join me a family trip. It's not even about money. It's about the experience. As kids get older, enter the real world, perhaps start a family of their own, you all will have less opportunity for these family trips. Do you want to miss out on this?

And on the issue of fairness, the OP specifically said the youngest was able to join the oldest's graduation trip simply because they were "school age" at the time. So basically, the oldest is essentially getting jobbed simply because of their age. I mean if that's how they want to do it, nothing I can do about it. But it truly seems like the wrong move here.

Fun fact: My parents invited me to Disney until I was well into my 20's. The reason it stopped is because they tired a little of Disney but had they not, they would probably still be inviting me. I guess they really wanted me on their family trips, crazy world we live in.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

And on the issue of fairness, the OP specifically said the youngest was able to join the oldest's graduation trip simply because they were "school age" at the time. So basically, the oldest is essentially getting jobbed simply because of their age. I mean if that's how they want to do it, nothing I can do about it. But it truly seems like the wrong move here.

Agreed. I also suspect honestly other things are weighing in on the OP's thoughts about not wanting their eldest to go.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, would this be the first trip/vacation you have all taken as a family since your oldest graduated HS?

 

[mom2rtk]

I guess I'm one of the oddballs. I don't have kids, but if I did, I would simply want them to join me a family trip. It's not even about money. It's about the experience. As kids get older, enter the real world, perhaps start a family of their own, you all will have less opportunity for these family trips. Do you want to miss out on this?

And on the issue of fairness, the OP specifically said the youngest was able to join the oldest's graduation trip simply because they were "school age" at the time. So basically, the oldest is essentially getting jobbed simply because of their age. I mean if that's how they want to do it, nothing I can do about it. But it truly seems like the wrong move here.

Fun fact: My parents invited me to Disney until I was well into my 20's. The reason it stopped is because they tired a little of Disney but had they not, they would probably still be inviting me. I guess they really wanted me on their family trips, crazy world we live in.

Not every family has limitless funds. Many families make hard decisions between fully funding retirement and helping kids with college. Some are spread pretty thin once they get to this stage and need to make up lost ground after kids graduate and get out on their own. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask independent grads to come if they want to pay their own way. I'm all for every family doing what's right for them once kids are out of college, but do agree that kids should be included until they graduate. I don't get cutting someone off at 18 when they're living on loans.