Should I pay for my college student?

[Kellydelly]

I commented earlier and I will comment again regarding kids at college feeling left out of a family vacation.

My DD and I have gone on 2 Disney cruises, the most recent being a couple months ago. Knowing this was going to happen DH and I decided to take my son and his fiance on our next cruise, a Carnival 5 day. This cruise is in October and I didn't think about taking DD as she is in college and not available to go. I didn't think of it nor label it a family vacation. She did and she got really upset and felt very left out. (DS didn't say anything about the Disney cruise he could have cared less.) I could not spin this to DD any way shape or form. She felt left out and hurt. We are now ALL taking a family cruise in Dec when the whole family (plus fiance and friend of DD) can go.

If she went alone with you, twice, how can she possibly get upset with you wanting to take her brother and his fiance on a cruise? There is no way I would let my kids run me like that. Who is paying for your daughter's friend to go?

 

[Pacolovestacos]

Not every family has limitless funds. Many families make hard decisions between fully funding retirement and helping kids with college. Some are spread pretty thin once they get to this stage and need to make up lost ground after kids graduate and get out on their own. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask independent grads to come if they want to pay their own way. I'm all for every family doing what's right for them once kids are out of college, but do agree that kids should be included until they graduate. I don't get cutting someone off at 18 when they're living on loans.

Is that a valid argument in this particular example? When the oldest daughter graduated, the youngest was able to go. And now that the youngest is graduating, the oldest should be able to go. If there are enough funds for 4 to go but not 5, then the youngest's friend should have to pay their own way. Again, I don't have kids, but if I did, blood always come first.

 

[bookgirl]

If you could only afford a trip for 4 I would take the daughter over a friend. When all is said and done she is your child and if her sisters friend is more important of a companion then her, you might want to be prepared for hard feelings and resentment. It will probably feel to her like she's not as important as the child you and your husband have together.

 

[Momto2minniemice]

I can only speak for my family, but do feel like it would cause a divide between a child and family not to pay. The time spent together can be gone tomorrow, you just never know what will happen.

I have told my girls that I will always cover their kids, once they are married the adults are on there own if they want to come.

 

[Hikergirl]

Is that a valid argument in this particular example? When the oldest daughter graduated, the youngest was able to go. And now that the youngest is graduating, the oldest should be able to go. If there are enough funds for 4 to go but not 5, then the youngest's friend should have to pay their own way. Again, I don't have kids, but if I did, blood always come first.

When I read the OP I thought the same thing, but the OP did add that they made it clear that once you graduate then you are responsible for paying for your share of the trip if you go. Personally this is not something I would do to my kids until they are moved out and on their own financially, but if that is how it is for the OP's family there is nothing wrong with that.
The OP is giving her youngest the same thing that she gave her oldest, a trip with a friend.

I don't ever like to tell someone their opinion doesn't matter because they don't have kids because I really don't believe that, but there are things that are better understood when you do have them. Sometimes being fair to your kids doesn't mean being equal to them.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

When I read the OP I thought the same thing, but the OP did add that they made it clear that once you graduate then you are responsible for paying for your share of the trip if you go. Personally this is not something I would do to my kids until they are moved out and on their own financially, but if that is how it is for the OP's family there is nothing wrong with that.
The OP is giving her youngest the same thing that she gave her oldest, a trip with a friend.

I don't ever like to tell someone their opinion doesn't matter because they don't have kids because I really don't believe that, but there are things that are better understood when you do have them. Sometimes being fair to your kids doesn't mean being equal to them.

I think on the other side people were wondering though if this fell under the whole "once you graduate you're on your own for trips" trip. Under the OP's rules if this was a random trip to Disney...then the eldest pays her way.

This seemed to be a trip to celebrate the youngest graduating just like the eldest got as well. However, on the eldest's trip the youngest got to go--did the youngest have to go? Or was this a "we want the youngest to go"?

 

[Hikergirl]

I think on the other side people were wondering though if this fell under the whole "once you graduate you're on your own for trips" trip. Under the OP's rules if this was a random trip to Disney...then the eldest pays her way.

This seemed to be a trip to celebrate the youngest graduating just like the eldest got as well. However, on the eldest's trip the youngest got to go--did the youngest have to go? Or was this a "we want the youngest to go"?

I admit that I'm not very clear on the OP's reasoning, is it because of the agreement, or because the oldest is slacking in school, because the oldest just went away with her dad, etc.
I asked her if this was the first time as a family they would be going somewhere since the oldest graduated. My opinion of what the OP should do depends on that.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

Have you considered a less expensive trip? They have been to Disneyland multiple times. Then they would each have a unique experience for their graduation celebration.

 

[jevs]

I don't know if in some of those cases these feelings are justified.
But, just in general.... My thoughts... These now mature grown adults should grow up and lose any sense of entitlement.

I guess all uni students living at home and going to a nearby uni are entitled lol.

Moochers!

 

[Colleen27]

For us, the line is drawn when the child is no longer a dependent. I wouldn't plan a trip without my college-aged son unless he didn't want to go (which happens more often than not these days) because he's still living at home, we're still supporting him, and while he's legally an adult he's basically still a child. He's still on our insurance, we still claim him on our taxes, he's still a kid. When he graduates, or if he moves out (for real, not just staying on campus at school), he's on his own for vacations unless we specifically invite him. But until then, he's a part of our household and I plan and budget our vacations accordingly.

 

[ols386]

I would pay for my adult children because it's a family thing. That's the way I view it.

Even now, my kids have been graduated from college for a few years (and have jobs), and I'd still pay for them to go on a family vacation (if they cannot afford it. If they can afford it, and want to pay, that's fine with me.)

 

[Wishing on a star]

I guess all uni students living at home and going to a nearby uni are entitled lol.

Moochers!

No,, not what I said. Not what I said, at all.
Wow, you guys really have no reservations throwing out your totally twisted and untrue quotes and personal attacks. Gotta give you some kudos on that!!!!

I said, any 21 year old adult who would be so offended and have 'issues' over a trip.....

In fact, there is one more recent post here, especially, that just totally validates and vindicates what I said in those comments re: sense of entitlement.
Like REALLY totally justified and validates!!!!

 

[goofy4tink]

I've already commented on this. But....I'm thinking that the OP is looking at this as a kind of punishment for the eldest dd. Yes, the kid has messed up. But....do you now say 'Well dear, you've screwed up royally and we've had to pay more than we expected for your college education, so there's no money to take you on this trip...too bad for you.'?
I think it's time to look at the bigger picture. Is this child still being declared as a dependent on taxes? That kind of changes things if that's the case. You need to separate the trip from college costs. Going forward, taking the eldest dd isn't going to have a huge impact, financially, on the family. Not as big as the emotional impact on the dd going forward. It's probably time to put the foot down and say 'we're done paying for you to party', and then allow her to do what needs to be done.
I understand the situation...I'm dealing with a tough love issue right now. It isn't easy. But, a child going to college, with her family's home as her home base, is going to feel rejected if not allowed to go with the family on a trip like this. However, I stand by my earlier idea of having the dd put money aside for airfare. If she can't do that, then all bets are off. Mom has been footing the college costs, perhaps it's time for dd to pony up some money towards the trip. Or, tell her that she gets no Christmas or birthday gifts...the trip is her gift!

 

[mom2rtk]

Is that a valid argument in this particular example? When the oldest daughter graduated, the youngest was able to go. And now that the youngest is graduating, the oldest should be able to go. If there are enough funds for 4 to go but not 5, then the youngest's friend should have to pay their own way. Again, I don't have kids, but if I did, blood always come first.

My comment was more about your comment about going on family trips well into your 20's. I'm in agreement in this case that mom and stepdad need to find a way for the older daughter to go along.

I admit that I'm not very clear on the OP's reasoning, is it because of the agreement, or because the oldest is slacking in school, because the oldest just went away with her dad, etc.
I asked her if this was the first time as a family they would be going somewhere since the oldest graduated. My opinion of what the OP should do depends on that.

Yeah, the wide variety of reasons sort of makes it seem like they are searching for a reason to leave her behind. Could be to have a cheaper trip with only 4, or could be to punish for grades, or could be younger daughter was jealous of sister's trip to Mexico and she's trying to even things out.

 

[luvsJack]

No,, not what I said. Not what I said, at all.
Wow, you guys really have no reservations throwing out your totally twisted and untrue quotes and personal attacks. Gotta give you some kudos on that!!!!

I said, any 21 year old adult who would be so offended and have 'issues' over a trip.....

In fact, there is one more recent post here, especially, that just totally validates and vindicates what I said in those comments re: sense of entitlement.
Like REALLY totally justified and validates!!!!

Wow, doesn't take a whole lot for you to feel attacked, does it? WOAS, they are disagreeing with you not attacking.

As for your view of who should or shouldn't be offended let me ask you something. You have one child, is that correct? Having an only, gives one a very different view about how to handle more than one kid. Not that you are wrong, but just a different view. One has to understand the dynamics between the siblings. My family would be very different than the OP's family. I have 3 but there are 14 and 16 years between the older two and dd. They never resented anything we did for her that we didn't do for them. In fact, if we couldn't do whatever it was they would. But we still included yds on family trips until he was truly no longer a dependent and was on his on. I am hoping to plan a big family trip to the beach soon and plan to pay for the house for eveyone. My oldest are 35 and 32

Few people truly see their 21 year old college kids as "mature, grown, adults". For a lot of people this is the cusp of adulthood and when family vacations can be the most precious. For some 21 year olds, they are starting to look back and wonder if they want to venture into adulthood. For them to suddenly be shoved out of the family nest can bring on some hard feelings and that is exactly what not including her on this vacation could do. But, I don't know the girl so maybe it wouldn't.

Wanting to still be included on family things at 21 does not make someone entitled, it makes them human and it makes them 21 and it makes them somebody's kid.

 

[DawnM]

No,, not what I said. Not what I said, at all.
Wow, you guys really have no reservations throwing out your totally twisted and untrue quotes and personal attacks. Gotta give you some kudos on that!!!!

I said, any 21 year old adult who would be so offended and have 'issues' over a trip.....

In fact, there is one more recent post here, especially, that just totally validates and vindicates what I said in those comments re: sense of entitlement.
Like REALLY totally justified and validates!!!!

Link them.

I bet they are completely different.

 

[CF'er]

If she went alone with you, twice, how can she possibly get upset with you wanting to take her brother and his fiance on a cruise? There is no way I would let my kids run me like that. Who is paying for your daughter's friend to go?

For the Disney cruises it was just her and I but for this cruise she is the only one in the family not going. She see's it as a family cruise where as I do not. We are paying for everyone to go. And I am not being run. If that were the case I would have cancelled DS from the October cruise. We have only cruised as a family once and it was NOT the best time. We were overdue.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

There is no way I would ask my 20 year old to pay her way on vacation. She's a full time college student. She doesn't make enough money for a family trip.

 

[Nancyg56]

I've already commented on this. But....I'm thinking that the OP is looking at this as a kind of punishment for the eldest dd. Yes, the kid has messed up. But....do you now say 'Well dear, you've screwed up royally and we've had to pay more than we expected for your college education, so there's no money to take you on this trip...too bad for you.'?
I think it's time to look at the bigger picture. Is this child still being declared as a dependent on taxes? That kind of changes things if that's the case. You need to separate the trip from college costs. Going forward, taking the eldest dd isn't going to have a huge impact, financially, on the family. Not as big as the emotional impact on the dd going forward. It's probably time to put the foot down and say 'we're done paying for you to party', and then allow her to do what needs to be done.
I understand the situation...I'm dealing with a tough love issue right now. It isn't easy. But, a child going to college, with her family's home as her home base, is going to feel rejected if not allowed to go with the family on a trip like this. However, I stand by my earlier idea of having the dd put money aside for airfare. If she can't do that, then all bets are off. Mom has been footing the college costs, perhaps it's time for dd to pony up some money towards the trip. Or, tell her that she gets no Christmas or birthday gifts...the trip is her gift!

I think that there is a lot more going on than the OP can or will discuss here. I cannot imagine having my daughter away in college, be up to her armpits in debt, have falling grades, and be suffering from I have described as depression, and then tell her that for a variety of reasons, she is staying home but that I am taking a friend and paying her freight. I am a parent and would walk through fire for any one of them, and that means when I needed to take a "tough love" stand, I have done so. But using a child's struggles as justification to leave her out of a vacation,? No. Never.

My comment was more about your comment about going on family trips well into your 20's. I'm in agreement in this case that mom and stepdad need to find a way for the older daughter to go along.

Yeah, the wide variety of reasons sort of makes it seem like they are searching for a reason to leave her behind. Could be to have a cheaper trip with only 4, or could be to punish for grades, or could be younger daughter was jealous of sister's trip to Mexico and she's trying to even things out.

Yes.

There is no way I would ask my 20 year old to pay her way on vacation. She's a full time college student. She doesn't make enough money for a family trip.

I tried to figure out how a parent who knows their child is living on student loans could even suggest such a thing.

 

[mom2rtk]

I tried to figure out how a parent who knows their child is living on student loans could even suggest such a thing.

Exactly that. Even if she got a part-time job, that should be used to diminish the loans needed, not to pay for a trip to Disney.