Should I pay for my college student?

[Nancyg56]

Exactly that.

This is why I think that there is more to this. I have no idea if being from a blended family is contributing to the stress, but it is something. WE are a blended family, none of our kid are my DH biological children. My neighbor would often tell me that I did not understand" why her DH begrudged money for her children and grandchildren, the kids were not his. She was right. I did not, nor did my DH. You need to know where you stand in this before you marry, you get the rose colored glasses off, look long and hard at how you really feel about sharing with and caring about people who do not share a biological tie. If this is going to make kids, no matter whose children, feel less than a 100% part of the family, you move on.

 

[cabanafrau]

I also think it's worth noting that especially in the circumstance when it is a blended family, the optics of excluding her from your family vacation might hurt her even more. It could look/feel like there is your little nuclear family and then there is her on the outside. No one should feel expendable.

Also you mentioned that she only wants to go because it's someplace fun...wouldn't the same be said of the friend? lol

This is precisely what my thoughts have been from the start, and exactly what I was alluding to about subtly shading the oldest daughter at every turn. Conversely the instantaneous jump to defending the youngest at each and every turn makes it look more and more that way. If I get that impression in a few comments on a discussion board, how much more does it feel that way to the oldest daughter?

Why does the "fully paid" vacation with her father factor into this situation at all? No matter how amicable the divorce, considering the ages of your daughters, your oldest presumably has no memory of vacationing even once with both parents, or living with both parents all of the time. Her sister has enjoyed that privilege her entire life.

 

[Nettester]

Two separate issues here.

I would pay for her to come on the trip, it's a family trip. Next trip you don't have to pay for either young adult!

The grades are a separate issue. If her grades aren't the wonderful ones you wished for her, but she's still making adequate progress towards a degree, it would not bother me. If she's failing more than one (very difficult) class, on academic probation, having to repeat classes, not earning credits, not turning in work, not attending classes, etc then I would stop paying upfront for college. Make a deal with her that if SHE takes out loans ON HER OWN for the next semester. Do NOT co-sign. If her grades are adequate after the semester, then I would reimburse the her the tuition money. That would be the new college plan through to graduation for her. If she can't qualify, or afford it without your co-sign or your financial help, it's time for a reality check. She needs a new direction, maybe a community college or something more affordable if she can't make it work at her current school. Maybe some time off to work and save up some of her own money. I think you're feeling angry because you keep making up for her lack of success by giving her extra school funding.

 

[jevs]

No,, not what I said. Not what I said, at all.
Wow, you guys really have no reservations throwing out your totally twisted and untrue quotes and personal attacks. Gotta give you some kudos on that!!!!

I said, any 21 year old adult who would be so offended and have 'issues' over a trip.....

In fact, there is one more recent post here, especially, that just totally validates and vindicates what I said in those comments re: sense of entitlement.
Like REALLY totally justified and validates!!!!

I see you've done some serious editing

I quoted you directly in my post by hitting the + quote button and inserting it into my message. Those were your words which you wrote. By you.

 

[georgina]

I would pay for my adult children because it's a family thing. That's the way I view it.

Even now, my kids have been graduated from college for a few years (and have jobs), and I'd still pay for them to go on a family vacation (if they cannot afford it. If they can afford it, and want to pay, that's fine with me.)

I'm with you, but not everyone can afford that. My in-laws always paid our airfare when we went to visit them because they wanted to encourage us to visit more, and they could well afford it. We have tried to continue that by paying for our adult kids (and one son-in-law) on occasional family trips.

 

[Kellykins1218]

It's a family vacation so, yes, I would absolutely pay for my older child. We're going to Disney World in September and I am paying for all of my kids including the almost 23 yr old. I can't even imagine not doing so.

 

[Corbie]

I'd pay. It won't be much longer and she'll be living her own life and not wanting to spend nearly as much time with her family. Besides, she won't see it as "Your sister went on your trip because she still lived with us." She's far more likely to be hurt that you took her sister along but weren't (aren't? verb tense messes me up in these situations) willing to take her. It's not like she's working and can pay for herself. It would be another thing if she was.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

My son is now a young adult... beginning when he was a teenager, we took trips without him.
Should 'I' be guilt-tripped too?
Really....
And, now we are talking about a to-be 21 year old adult. Has been over 18 for 4-5 years....

Let the guilt trippers pile on!!!!

We have the 'your 18 now... too bad, so sad' group.
And, we have the, 'must take your kids with you, totally paid for, like, forever' for life.
Such black and white extremes

OP: I know you posted to try to get some outside input.
You were probably hoping for some clarity here.

Unfortunately, I don't think you are going to get that.

That is some interesting math.

A soon to be 21 year old has been over 18 for 4-5 years? Not hardly. A soon to be 21 year old is 20. Even if you count them being even a day over 18, as in the day after their birthday, they have only been over 18 for 3 years. And that counts right up until the day before their 21st birthday. I'm not sure where you get the 4 to 5 years.

OP,
My son is currently 21, and yes we take trips without him. But when he is able to be off of work and school, he comes. And since he is working part time and going to school full time, we pay for the trip. Why would we want him to take money from his college funds to pay for a vacation? We want him with us because he is part of the family, we love him and we like him. When he is on his own, working full time and wants to tag along, it might be a different story. Or it might not.

Also, at what point would your younger daughter and her friend qualify as women, and require their own room? You seem fine putting your daughter's friend in the same room as your husband, but she will be 17/18 and will probably feel pretty uncomfortable sleep what will be essentially next to your husband. I am honestly surprised that her parents are okay with that arrangement.

 

[tnkr_bell]

Can you just split the difference? Make her pay for part of the trip. If your flying she has to buy her own ticket, but can stay in the hotel room with you. She has to pay for her ticket into the park, but you'll pay for meals. That way she's learning some responsibility and you're not having to foot the whole bill.

 

[luvsJack]

That is some interesting math.

A soon to be 21 year old has been over 18 for 4-5 years? Not hardly. A soon to be 21 year old is 20. Even if you count them being even a day over 18, as in the day after their birthday, they have only been over 18 for 3 years. And that counts right up until the day before their 21st birthday. I'm not sure where you get the 4 to 5 years.

OP,
My son is currently 21, and yes we take trips without him. But when he is able to be off of work and school, he comes. And since he is working part time and going to school full time, we pay for the trip. Why would we want him to take money from his college funds to pay for a vacation? We want him with us because he is part of the family, we love him and we like him. When he is on his own, working full time and wants to tag along, it might be a different story. Or it might not.

Also, at what point would your younger daughter and her friend qualify as women, and require their own room? You seem fine putting your daughter's friend in the same room as your husband, but she will be 17/18 and will probably feel pretty uncomfortable sleep what will be essentially next to your husband. I am honestly surprised that her parents are okay with that arrangement.

What is this last line (bolded) insinuating? DD's bff has always gone with us on trips. I do not get two rooms, we all stay in the same room. Good Lord, its not like either one is running around naked!

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

What is this last line (bolded) insinuating? DD's bff has always gone with us on trips. I do not get two rooms, we all stay in the same room. Good Lord, its not like either one is running around naked!

Insinuating?

I am outright saying that when I was an 18 year old woman, I would not have been comfortable sleeping in the same room as an adult male, not a relative.

I was fine with it when I was 11. But when I was 18? Sorry, but that is not okay, in my book.

If the almost 21 year old daughter is an adult, and should pay her own way. Why isn't the 18 year old friend considered an adult?

 

[luvsJack]

Insinuating?

I am outright saying that when I was an 18 year old woman, I would not have been comfortable sleeping in the same room as an adult male, not a relative.

I was fine with it when I was 11. But when I was 18? Sorry, but that is not okay, in my book.

If the almost 21 year old daughter is an adult, and should pay her own way. Why isn't the 18 year old friend considered an adult?

I don't think the 21 year old should be left out or expected to completely pay her own way but I also do not agree that there is an issue with their dd's life long friend being in the same room with them.

We have roomed with dd and her friend every year on every trip for years (both are now 19). The girl sleeps in sleep pants and an oversized t-shirt most of the time sometimes its shorts and a tshirt. Dh sleeps in basically the same thing. No body revealing anything. Its not one big bed. I find it really weird that you find a problem with it and really am confused with what the problem would be. You are sleeping in a room. That's it.

Since they have been friends a long time (the OP's dd), I am sure its more like their "third daughter" is sleeping in the room. I think its silly to assume the father would think of it any other way. I know that dh would not.

 

[cabanafrau]

Insinuating?

I am outright saying that when I was an 18 year old woman, I would not have been comfortable sleeping in the same room as an adult male, not a relative.

I was fine with it when I was 11. But when I was 18? Sorry, but that is not okay, in my book.

If the almost 21 year old daughter is an adult, and should pay her own way. Why isn't the 18 year old friend considered an adult?

I can understand the idea of the friend not being comfortable with it. I could understand the idea the dad might be uncomfortable with it. It may bother some people, maybe not others. Personal preferences.

I can't understand why you said you cannot understand the friend's parents being comfortable with it? That's where insinuation comes into play IMO. In that case I find an 11 year old much more vulnerable than an 18 year old.

 

[okeydokey]

I think it is weird sharing a hotel room with your friend's parents. My DH would be very uncomfortable sharing a room with a 17 or 18 year old female friend of our DDs.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I think it is weird sharing a hotel room with your friend's parents. My DH would be very uncomfortable sharing a room with a 17 or 18 year old female friend of our DDs.

I couldn't imagine asking our 20 year old friend to share a room with my husband and me. We have known her since she was 12. And she lived with us for almost 2 years.

Both my husband and the young lady would feel uncomfortable.

 

[luvsJack]

To each their own, I guess. DD's bff will always be like a daughter to us. So for dh and for her, its no different than dd being in the room or her being in the room with her own dad.

If it was one of dd's friends from her college classes that we don't know very well, it would be different and I would certainly understand the discomfort on both parts. Dh would never even remotely think to think of dd's friend in any way that would cause discomfort being in the same room. Besides the fact that what exactly would cause said discomfort?

She showers at our house all the time. So showering shouldn't be an issue. They each would shower, go to bed, go to sleep. Get up the next morning, dh dresses in the bathroom area (which he would do if only dd was in the room with us) and we would go downstairs or to the restaurant for some decent coffee. DD and her friend get dressed. I am really not seeing the reason for discomfort here.

 

[Nancyg56]

To each their own, I guess. DD's bff will always be like a daughter to us. So for dh and for her, its no different than dd being in the room or her being in the room with her own dad.

If it was one of dd's friends from her college classes that we don't know very well, it would be different and I would certainly understand the discomfort on both parts. Dh would never even remotely think to think of dd's friend in any way that would cause discomfort being in the same room. Besides the fact that what exactly would cause said discomfort?

She showers at our house all the time. So showering shouldn't be an issue. They each would shower, go to bed, go to sleep. Get up the next morning, dh dresses in the bathroom area (which he would do if only dd was in the room with us) and we would go downstairs or to the restaurant for some decent coffee. DD and her friend get dressed. I am really not seeing the reason for discomfort here.

When we travel as an extended group we are the same way. I don't travel with anyone I'm not comfortable with, so I think we would be okay.

 

[CarolAnn856]

To each their own, I guess. DD's bff will always be like a daughter to us. So for dh and for her, its no different than dd being in the room or her being in the room with her own dad.

If it was one of dd's friends from her college classes that we don't know very well, it would be different and I would certainly understand iscomfort on both parts. Dh would never even remotely think to think of dd's friend in any way that would cause discomfort being in the same room. Besides the fact that what exactly would cause said discomfort?

She showers at our house all the time. So showering shouldn't be an issue. They each would shower, go to bed, go to sleep. Get up the next morning, dh dresses in the bathroom area (which he would do if only dd was in the room with us) and we would go downstairs or to the restaurant for some decent coffee. DD and her friend get dressed. I am really not seeing the reason for discomfort here.

Eh, I still think it's an odd arrangement. I know, logically, that what you are saying makes sense. But there is still an "ick" factor for me that may not be completely rational but definitely exists.

 

[mnrose]

Two separate issues here.

I would pay for her to come on the trip, it's a family trip. Next trip you don't have to pay for either young adult!

The grades are a separate issue. If her grades aren't the wonderful ones you wished for her, but she's still making adequate progress towards a degree, it would not bother me. If she's failing more than one (very difficult) class, on academic probation, having to repeat classes, not earning credits, not turning in work, not attending classes, etc then I would stop paying upfront for college. Make a deal with her that if SHE takes out loans ON HER OWN for the next semester. Do NOT co-sign. If her grades are adequate after the semester, then I would reimburse the her the tuition money. That would be the new college plan through to graduation for her. If she can't qualify, or afford it without your co-sign or your financial help, it's time for a reality check. She needs a new direction, maybe a community college or something more affordable if she can't make it work at her current school. Maybe some time off to work and save up some of her own money. I think you're feeling angry because you keep making up for her lack of success by giving her extra school funding.

My understanding is that a student CANNOT get loans (other than the relatively trivial federally guaranteed student loans) without a signature of some other person. Their own signature isn't going to do it, which is why so many parents are now finding themselves "repaying" loans that their children promised to pay but didn't. There are even stories of loan repayments being withheld from social security checks. Without a co-signor, there would be no loan.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My understanding is that a student CANNOT get loans (other than the relatively trivial federally guaranteed student loans) without a signature of some other person. Their own signature isn't going to do it, which is why so many parents are now finding themselves "repaying" loans that their children promised to pay but didn't. There are even stories of loan repayments being withheld from social security checks. Without a co-signor, there would be no loan.

As far as I understand it you can still get Private Loans. However, things like debt to income ratio may prohibt a student from getting one without a co-signer. I'm not exactly sure all the information looked at for Private Loans as it's been nearly 11 years since I got one (my freshman {no cosigner} and sophmore year {co-signer due to debt to income ratio too high} of college I got Private loans to cover the difference of federal loans/grants and what FAFSA said my mom should be able to pay).