Your stuff, my stuff, sharing between siblings!

[proud_canadian]

Hi there,

I'm wondering how other families handle things like this. I have two DD's, aged 4 and 6, and they have a lot of similar interests. How we have always handled stuff in the past is that when you get a new toy for birthday or xmas, you can play with it first, but after a day or so, it's fair game. So, for example, if my older DD got a barbie, after she got to play with it first, it would go into the barbie bin with all the other barbies. So if a week later, if the barbie was sitting in the bin, and no one was playing with it, and younger DD went over to the new barbie and started playing with it, that would be no problem.

However, now after xmas, again things have settled down and all the toys are put away, playmobiles in the playmobile bin, barbies in the barbies bin, books on the bookshelf. But as soon as one DD picks up something to play with, the other DD will claim ownership.

I was talking to another friend about this, and she said that each of her son's has their own stuff, and they never share. He has his lego, and the other son has his own. One son has his own DS games, the other has his own, etc.

For one thing that sounds like a logistical nightmare separating them and keeping them separate. But also, is it really that unreasonable to have them share their toys with their sibling??

How do others handle this?

 

[scottish mum]

In our house each child have their own toys. they belong to them and are their resposibility. If a kid want to play with a toy that belongs to someone else then they must ask permission from the toy owner and not from me.

They are encouraged to allow each other to play with most things but they each have very special toys which I don't expect them to let anyone play with them. Ultimately it is the owner of the toy who decides whether it can be passed around to be played with.

I think this teaches you to be responsible for your own belongings and also that you have to respect that not everything is yours and you have to request permission toplay and not just assume you are allowed it

 

[mjkacmom]

Everything is shared. Now, if two children want to play with something, the one who actually owns it gets it first. If we can't agree on who plays with it if it is actually owned by another sibling, I take it away. Dd9 and dd8 share a room, share a wardrobe - even socks and underwear. They love it (they're also bff's). Honestly, we really don't have any problems sharing here - works out great for the kids, because with so many kids, they have a lot of "stuff."

Just this morning, dd9 asked dd14 "are those my earing?" Dd14 replied yes. Not a problem.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Well we have a 4 year old and an 18 year old so only thing they share is the wii....however growing up, my sister and I always got exactly the same gifts, a barbie, doll whatever. One of them always got a dot of nail polish on it right away so we knew and that was our toy. We did share fine! There were some toys we got together, building type (legos), wagons, etc, that had both names on and belonged to both of us.I think kids need some items to be their own and some to share.

 

[Becc1]

I have two DSs that are 16 months apart. Unless I buy something specifically for them to share, like a video game, board game or craft item that's for all of them (including their 4 yr old sister) then what's theirs is theirs. Thankfully their favorites things are not the same, one DS loves cars and books and my other DS loves anything Lego. If one DS wants to play with one of the other DS's favs then he must ask his brother to play with it and yes I do make the other DS give them permission because they are taught to share but they still have to ask. The problem only seems to be when the toys are new though, it seems after a few weeks, everyone is over the what's mine is mine and noone seems to care who plays with what.

 

[tlbwriter]

Honestly, I think it would be awful to have nothing that you can call your own. You can share toys while still owning them.

 

[okeydokey]

My kids each have their own toys. We encourage them to share but do not require them too. They each need to feel some sense of ownership and responsibility about some things in their lives.

Sometimes they share well and sometimes they don't. It's all part of the learning process.

 

[okeydokey]

Everything is shared. Now, if two children want to play with something, the one who actually owns it gets it first. If we can't agree on who plays with it if it is actually owned by another sibling, I take it away. Dd9 and dd8 share a room, share a wardrobe - even socks and underwear. They love it (they're also bff's). Honestly, we really don't have any problems sharing here - works out great for the kids, because with so many kids, they have a lot of "stuff."

Just this morning, dd9 asked dd14 "are those my earing?" Dd14 replied yes. Not a problem.

I would have required asking before "borrowing" something from a sibling. Different strokes.

 

[brymolmom]

Wow - DIdn't realize people did this so different.

I was the youngest of 5 siblings - so there was no way my mom would have stopped fights between 'that's mine, you can't play with it' or she would have been doing that all day long. So I guess I was brought up with everything is shared. That's how it is in my house with ds8 and dd7. Don't get me wrong - they each have their own things (so it's not like it's community property - it is either ds's or dd's or 'the family's') - but you simply are required to share and we don't have to ask since we all know everything is shared. They have a couple things that are truly their own that I will ask the other not to touch (special things from when they were little for example), but toys - if you're not playing with it - anyone in the house is allowed to do so.

About the only time I might do it different is if one kid is too little and might actually break or lose a piece of it (like legos - if not careful - might lose things) or a DS game and it might get broken. Other than that - if everyone is old enough to actually take care of it - they can play with it.

I think it is good for the kids to know that it's not 'mine, mine, mine'. When I went to college you could truly tell the people who had siblings and/or had shared rooms with siblings - they weren't used to others seeing/touching/asking to use THEIR stuff.

And, of course, the ultimate decision on whether or not you can play with something that isn't your own toy isn't the owner, in this house, it is ME! No way do I want my kids thinking they have 'their own' stuff and ultimate rights to it now- when they get a cell phone eventually they need to know it is at my descretion whether they are allowed to use it (based on behavior), same thing with a car in the future.... So obviously I will always give permission to the other child to encourage sharing....

Those who need to ask permission - what do you do when the owner says no? I can't imagine just sayign to the other one 'sorry, your brother said no. Even though it's just sittin gthere not being used, i guess you can't play with it.'

This does enlighten me on why so many playdates in the past before my kids got older went the way they did. I have often been surprised when a kid says 'no that's mine' when my child goes over to play at their house.

 

[tlbwriter]

I think it is good for the kids to know that it's not 'mine, mine, mine'. When I went to college you could truly tell the people who had siblings and/or had shared rooms with siblings - they weren't used to others seeing/touching/asking to use THEIR stuff.

I think you mean "didn't have siblings" or else this doesn't make sense.

Anyway, I think it's important for kids to know that the world is not community property. Otherwise, your kids are in for a rude awakening when they go to school and think they can take a classmate's pencil or wear a roommate's sweater without asking.

 

[Marionnette]

Wow - DIdn't realize people did this so different.

I was the youngest of 5 siblings - so there was no way my mom would have stopped fights between 'that's mine, you can't play with it' or she would have been doing that all day long. So I guess I was brought up with everything is shared. That's how it is in my house with ds8 and dd7. Don't get me wrong - they each have their own things (so it's not like it's community property - it is either ds's or dd's or 'the family's') - but you simply are required to share and we don't have to ask since we all know everything is shared. They have a couple things that are truly their own that I will ask the other not to touch (special things from when they were little for example), but toys - if you're not playing with it - anyone in the house is allowed to do so.

About the only time I might do it different is if one kid is too little and might actually break or lose a piece of it (like legos - if not careful - might lose things) or a DS game and it might get broken. Other than that - if everyone is old enough to actually take care of it - they can play with it.

I think it is good for the kids to know that it's not 'mine, mine, mine'. When I went to college you could truly tell the people who had siblings and/or had shared rooms with siblings - they weren't used to others seeing/touching/asking to use THEIR stuff.

And, of course, the ultimate decision on whether or not you can play with something that isn't your own toy isn't the owner, in this house, it is ME! No way do I want my kids thinking they have 'their own' stuff and ultimate rights to it now- when they get a cell phone eventually they need to know it is at my descretion whether they are allowed to use it (based on behavior), same thing with a car in the future.... So obviously I will always give permission to the other child to encourage sharing....

Those who need to ask permission - what do you do when the owner says no? I can't imagine just sayign to the other one 'sorry, your brother said no. Even though it's just sittin gthere not being used, i guess you can't play with it.'

This does enlighten me on why so many playdates in the past before my kids got older went the way they did. I have often been surprised when a kid says 'no that's mine' when my child goes over to play at their house.

I grew up in a large family. What was mine was mine. If a sibling wanted to use something I owned then they had to ask and receive permission. It was up to me whether I wanted to share that item or not. That's the way it works in the real world and that's what my mother was preparing us for. We learned some valuable negotiating skills from dealing with our siblings. Mom never stepped in other than to remind the owner that "what comes around, goes around". But when it came to guests, we were taught to be gracious hosts and to share what we had. We knew that if there was something that was dear to us then it was our responsibility to put it away before guests arrived to avoid the embarassment of telling a guest 'no'.

 

[Hannathy]

In our house each child have their own toys. they belong to them and are their resposibility. If a kid want to play with a toy that belongs to someone else then they must ask permission from the toy owner and not from me.

They are encouraged to allow each other to play with most things but they each have very special toys which I don't expect them to let anyone play with them. Ultimately it is the owner of the toy who decides whether it can be passed around to be played with.

I think this teaches you to be responsible for your own belongings and also that you have to respect that not everything is yours and you have to request permission toplay and not just assume you are allowed it

This is how we do/did it also.

There are some things that they have the right to not allow to be shared.

Now if something big was purchased for the family then it was to be shared by all, say a Play station. But if it was given to you it was yours and you had to give permission.

I also would hate to not ever have anything that was solely mine.

 

[v.t.]

I grew up in a large family. What was mine was mine. If a sibling wanted to use something I owned then they had to ask and receive permission. It was up to me whether I wanted to share that item or not. That's the way it works in the real world and that's what my mother was preparing us for. We learned some valuable negotiating skills from dealing with our siblings. Mom never stepped in other than to remind the owner that "what comes around, goes around". But when it came to guests, we were taught to be gracious hosts and to share what we had. We knew that if there was something that was dear to us then it was our responsibility to put it away before guests arrived to avoid the embarassment of telling a guest 'no'.

That is exactly how it works in our house. It not only teaches the owner to care for their things, it also teaches the borrower that they must be careful with someone else's things or they will not be allowed to borrow again.

 

[robinsegg]

Regardless of how it has worked in the past, it doesn't seem to be working now. I do have a thought, though . . .

Could you possibly allow each girl to choose 3 items that you label for them (an initial with magic marker can be the easiest)? Then, those 3 items are *theirs* and the sister must ask permission before using them? That would leave the rest to be put in the bins and used communally, but you would only have to break things up over 6 items?

 

[proud_canadian]

OP here...

Yes exactly, in the past, it hasn't been an issue, and everything has been shared.

However, lately, they are starting to have almost all the same interests. What I hate seeing, for example, is a book that sat on the shelf for a week, not being touched, but as soon as the non-owner picks it up, the owner pipes in, "That's my book and I want to look at it." I can tell the owner is just trying to annoy the non-owner (and this goes both ways with my DD's but is more one than the other).

However, I am sick of all the sharing issues, and am starting to think that for their ages that things will have to change. It never occurred to me to let them exclusively have their own stuff until my friend mentioned she did that with her sons.


QUESTION - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON"T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE EVERYTHING... HOW DO YOU KEEP EVERYTHING SEPERATE..... LIKE MY KIDS PROBABLY HAVE 40 BOOKS... DO YOU WRITE A NAME IN EACH?

QUESTION 2 - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH TOYS THAT A CHILD GREW OUT OF. FOR EXAMPLE, MY OLDER DD USED TO LOVE DORA.. SO SHE HAD LOTS OF DORA BOOKS. BUT NOW THEY ARE TOO EASY TO READ AND SHE THINKS THEY ARE BABYISH. SO IT IS MOSTLY YOUNGER DD LOOKING AT THEM... BUT THEY WERE ORIGINALLY GIVE TO DD1... HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

Thanks guys!

 

[tlbwriter]

QUESTION - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON"T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE EVERYTHING... HOW DO YOU KEEP EVERYTHING SEPERATE..... LIKE MY KIDS PROBABLY HAVE 40 BOOKS... DO YOU WRITE A NAME IN EACH?

I only have one child, but I have two very closely-spaced sisters. We simply knew who all of the toys belonged to. There was never any question that X toy was given to X girl for X occasion. Maybe we didn't have that many toys, compared to your kids. We each had our own bookshelf, and we knew which books belonged to which person, probably because we had differing interests (any horse books, for example, were mine!). We also had a lot of semi-duplicate toys - for example, we'd each get a Barbie for Christmas, but each of those Barbies would be different enough to avoid confusion.

QUESTION 2 - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH TOYS THAT A CHILD GREW OUT OF. FOR EXAMPLE, MY OLDER DD USED TO LOVE DORA.. SO SHE HAD LOTS OF DORA BOOKS. BUT NOW THEY ARE TOO EASY TO READ AND SHE THINKS THEY ARE BABYISH. SO IT IS MOSTLY YOUNGER DD LOOKING AT THEM... BUT THEY WERE ORIGINALLY GIVE TO DD1... HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

I would tell DD1 that since she's outgrown those books, it's time to give them to a younger child, and they need to be handed down to her sister. This may be easier when she's getting new books (like her birthday or Christmas).

 

[Marionnette]

OP here...

Yes exactly, in the past, it hasn't been an issue, and everything has been shared.

However, lately, they are starting to have almost all the same interests. What I hate seeing, for example, is a book that sat on the shelf for a week, not being touched, but as soon as the non-owner picks it up, the owner pipes in, "That's my book and I want to look at it." I can tell the owner is just trying to annoy the non-owner (and this goes both ways with my DD's but is more one than the other).

However, I am sick of all the sharing issues, and am starting to think that for their ages that things will have to change. It never occurred to me to let them exclusively have their own stuff until my friend mentioned she did that with her sons.


QUESTION - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON"T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE EVERYTHING... HOW DO YOU KEEP EVERYTHING SEPERATE..... LIKE MY KIDS PROBABLY HAVE 40 BOOKS... DO YOU WRITE A NAME IN EACH?

Believe me. Its not a problem. The kids know what is theirs and they take care of keeping their stuff separate.

QUESTION 2 - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH TOYS THAT A CHILD GREW OUT OF. FOR EXAMPLE, MY OLDER DD USED TO LOVE DORA.. SO SHE HAD LOTS OF DORA BOOKS. BUT NOW THEY ARE TOO EASY TO READ AND SHE THINKS THEY ARE BABYISH. SO IT IS MOSTLY YOUNGER DD LOOKING AT THEM... BUT THEY WERE ORIGINALLY GIVE TO DD1... HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

Thanks guys!

Older child no longer cares about the "baby" stuff. So older child is told they can either donate the items to a worthy charity or give to younger sibling. One way or another, the child is told to give it up to make room for big kid toys. If they insist on maintaining possession pf their tricycle then they can forget about the new two wheeler. If they dont give up Dora books then they can forget about Harry Potter. And so on.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

It depends on the toy. They each have a DS, but all of the DS games in the house are shared.

Then again, I have a boy and a girl that are 3 1/2 years apart, so games and movies are about all they share...

 

[Leajess99]

I think you mean "didn't have siblings" or else this doesn't make sense.

Anyway, I think it's important for kids to know that the world is not community property. Otherwise, your kids are in for a rude awakening when they go to school and think they can take a classmate's pencil or wear a roommate's sweater without asking.

I so second this. I know my kids have had experience with kids not used to asking persmission and it drives them insane. They will share if you ask but if you just take without asking that it bothers them.


Here, their toys and things are theirs. They do share but theother child has to ask to use the item and not just take it. If they have like items (at one time both girls liked My Little Pony) than we will annotate an initial on the item so it does not get confused. I hated having to share things and not having my own things gowing up (this was before turning 10 and I started buying my own things and my sister was into more teen things) and I will not do that to my kids. We don't have fights about belongings and if one wants to use something of the others and they are not home than they wait and ask the owner when he/she gets home.

 

[Leajess99]

OP here...

Yes exactly, in the past, it hasn't been an issue, and everything has been shared.

However, lately, they are starting to have almost all the same interests. What I hate seeing, for example, is a book that sat on the shelf for a week, not being touched, but as soon as the non-owner picks it up, the owner pipes in, "That's my book and I want to look at it." I can tell the owner is just trying to annoy the non-owner (and this goes both ways with my DD's but is more one than the other).

However, I am sick of all the sharing issues, and am starting to think that for their ages that things will have to change. It never occurred to me to let them exclusively have their own stuff until my friend mentioned she did that with her sons.


QUESTION - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON"T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE EVERYTHING... HOW DO YOU KEEP EVERYTHING SEPERATE..... LIKE MY KIDS PROBABLY HAVE 40 BOOKS... DO YOU WRITE A NAME IN EACH?

QUESTION 2 - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH TOYS THAT A CHILD GREW OUT OF. FOR EXAMPLE, MY OLDER DD USED TO LOVE DORA.. SO SHE HAD LOTS OF DORA BOOKS. BUT NOW THEY ARE TOO EASY TO READ AND SHE THINKS THEY ARE BABYISH. SO IT IS MOSTLY YOUNGER DD LOOKING AT THEM... BUT THEY WERE ORIGINALLY GIVE TO DD1... HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

Thanks guys!

For Question 1 - Books were never really annotated here but my kids are 5 years apart so their reading levels were drastically different. What I really liked was the older one reading the little kids' books to the younger one. They were sharing and loving it plus it always helps the reading skills. I would just sit outside the door listening.

For Question 2 - Books can be handed down and the old owner probably has no problem with that. One thing you could do is ask the Older DD if she is okay with giving younger DD the books she has outgrown. My kids are encouraged to pass down things too young for them and it does not cause an issue.

With that said, I can tell you that while my daughters have used the Little Critter books they belong to my son and he gets to have them when he has a family. That has always been the stipulation with that set as we bought him the complete set when he was little. The girls were made aware of this and fine with it. We had the same stipulation on a few of the outfits that got passed down. My middle daughter gets all her Warriors books even if youngest DD uses them.