Your stuff, my stuff, sharing between siblings!

[pacrosby]

Wow - DIdn't realize people did this so different.

I was the youngest of 5 siblings - so there was no way my mom would have stopped fights between 'that's mine, you can't play with it' or she would have been doing that all day long. So I guess I was brought up with everything is shared. That's how it is in my house with ds8 and dd7. Don't get me wrong - they each have their own things (so it's not like it's community property - it is either ds's or dd's or 'the family's') - but you simply are required to share and we don't have to ask since we all know everything is shared. They have a couple things that are truly their own that I will ask the other not to touch (special things from when they were little for example), but toys - if you're not playing with it - anyone in the house is allowed to do so.

About the only time I might do it different is if one kid is too little and might actually break or lose a piece of it (like legos - if not careful - might lose things) or a DS game and it might get broken. Other than that - if everyone is old enough to actually take care of it - they can play with it.

I think it is good for the kids to know that it's not 'mine, mine, mine'. When I went to college you could truly tell the people who had siblings and/or had shared rooms with siblings - they weren't used to others seeing/touching/asking to use THEIR stuff.

And, of course, the ultimate decision on whether or not you can play with something that isn't your own toy isn't the owner, in this house, it is ME! No way do I want my kids thinking they have 'their own' stuff and ultimate rights to it now- when they get a cell phone eventually they need to know it is at my descretion whether they are allowed to use it (based on behavior), same thing with a car in the future.... So obviously I will always give permission to the other child to encourage sharing....

Those who need to ask permission - what do you do when the owner says no? I can't imagine just sayign to the other one 'sorry, your brother said no. Even though it's just sittin gthere not being used, i guess you can't play with it.'

This does enlighten me on why so many playdates in the past before my kids got older went the way they did. I have often been surprised when a kid says 'no that's mine' when my child goes over to play at their house.

omg...I could have written this.

Not that I grew up in a larger family, it was only me and my brother. But I have somewhat of a larger family. 4 kids with less than a 5 yr gap between oldest and youngest.

Everyone in this house plays with pretty much everything. What am I supposed to buy multiples of each and every toy so that everyone can have one of their own? Bottom line, if something is not being played with, the first one who shows interest gets it. I can't even imagine having one child start to play with something and then letting another come over and say "that's mine, I want to play with it now". Or worse yet "that's mine, you can't play with it" even though they are not playing with it themselves. That's just being selfish and mean-spirited.

Stuffed animals are an exception. Everyone has "their" special stuffies and the owner always has first dibs.

But I must add, this does not mean that my children think "everything" is community property as a result. This is a bit of a stretch. They simply know that the toys in OUR house have been purchased to play with, not to hoard, and that selfish, mean-spirited behavior is not tolerated in our home. For the most part I believe we are talking about basic toys here, and toys that were most likely purchased by someone else. We're not talking about special 'somethings' and/or items they may have saved up their own money for. Obviously the rules are going to be different in those circumstances.

And some kids really seem to have no problem with sharing their toys. I know my don't. Easy going I guess. And very very close. No sibling rivalry in this house (as yet LOL).

Like this above poster, I've seen a huge difference over the years with my kids and their ability to share and play cooperatively with others as compared with some neighbor kids. And unfortunately, the attitude does tend to carry over into adulthood.

 

[tlbwriter]

Like this above poster, I've seen a huge difference over the years with my kids and their ability to share and play cooperatively with others as compared with some neighbor kids. And unfortunately, the attitude does tend to carry over into adulthood.

Well, I guess it would be easy to share if you felt nothing belonged to you anyway. It's more difficult to have a toy that's yours, that you love, and learn to share it with others.

So, how do you know this carries into adulthood? When you meet an adult who won't share or cooperate, do you ask if they were allowed to have their own toys?

 

[pacrosby]

Well, I guess it would be easy to share if you felt nothing belonged to you anyway. It's more difficult to have a toy that's yours, that you love, and learn to share it with others.

So, how do you know this carries into adulthood? When you meet an adult who won't share or cooperate, do you ask if they were allowed to have their own toys?

No, I didn't say "nothing" belonged to them. I'm talking about toys and toys alone. Remember, I have 4 kids all very close in age. There are alot of toys in this house and most of them are approriate for play by 3, or even all 4 children. Doing things the way some people apparently choose to (according to this thread) would be a nightmare for me and my kids.

And actually your perspective is wrong. They don't feel that 'nothing' belongs to them. Rather they feel like 'everything' belongs to them. Or rather everything is available for them to use when someone else is not using it. We share our 'toys'. There really is no reason not to. We are family. They are toys.

How do I know this carries into adulthood? Hmmmm Roommates perhaps. Being roommates, you get to know one another's backgrounds.

 

[brymolmom]

Well, I guess it would be easy to share if you felt nothing belonged to you anyway. It's more difficult to have a toy that's yours, that you love, and learn to share it with others.

So, how do you know this carries into adulthood? When you meet an adult who won't share or cooperate, do you ask if they were allowed to have their own toys?

But they do own the toys themselves...it is just known that everyone can use them if they aren't. DD has a DS game system, DS doesn't - if you ask - ds and dd know that it is 'dd's toy'. And they both love it.

The part I don't get is when one child says NO the other child can't use it. Why on earth wouldn't the parent step in? No way would I be able to handle seeing that selfish "mine, mine" behavior without correcting it.

 

[tlbwriter]

The part I don't get is when one child says NO the other child can't use it. Why on earth wouldn't the parent step in? No way would I be able to handle seeing that selfish "mine, mine" behavior without correcting it.

Hmmm. I suppose you think I was selfish for not wanting my teenage sister to wear my shoes - the shoes I bought and paid for with my hard-earned pizza-selling money - because they were "mine, minel" and because she wore them without socks and her sweaty feet made them nasty!

Anyway, I don't see why you assume these are mutually exclusive. If child A wants to play with child B's toy, and child B says "no, it's mine," that sounds like a great teachable moment to me. For example, I can explain to child B that if she refuses to share, child A probably isn't going to share either, and doesn't child A have toys you like to play with? Wouldn't you be sad if you never got to play with those? But simply telling child B "you have to let child A play with that toy, no matter what, because it doesn't really belong to you, even though Grandma gave it to you for your birthday three months ago" doesn't let child B learn to share. It lets child B learn to obey Mom's orders (which is important, but not the lesson you're looking for here).

Now, what do you do when one child is significantly older, and the younger child is likely to mess up the older one's toys? Do you still force sharing?

 

[tlbwriter]

How do I know this carries into adulthood? Hmmmm Roommates perhaps. Being roommates, you get to know one another's backgrounds.

Let me guess... you had a roommate who labelled her milk, which bothered you because you thought the milk should belong to everybody?

 

[bookgirl]

I have never understood the concept of "Bradford's Law" (haha let's see how many of you remember you pop culture tv trivia).

What's the point of recieving a gift only to be told that it's really only your gift for the 1st day and after that it's everyones?

I've got twin nephews. They have sometimes had their own rooms and sometimes they share. Either way there was always a 'common' area that held stuff and then they each had an area/box/room to keep their stuff in.


The twins get some gifts that are general gifts (games for systems or board type, sports equiptment, books, etc) they know before hand that it belongs to them both and that others have access to them as well. They also get gifts that are theirs and theirs alone. That means they get to decide who plays with it (though it is up to the parents and adults to guide them into the concept of sharing and to help them make choices), and where it is held. They know that if it's special then THEY need to keep it secure. If they choose to leave it in the common area then other people are going to play with it including their brother, and the next time they need to put it away or they need to relinqish ownership.

I get that sharing is required in some larger families both for convienence or budget, but I would never give a gift to 1 person only to tell them they actually have no real ownership of said gift. That just seems to be tacky. If you mandate that all toys are community property then I think (and it's only my opinon not a judgement) you need to just give gifts that are up front desinated as playroom toys for everyone and not put thier names on it.

How many adults would accept that stipulation on thier own items, and why would you require a child to do it?

 

[pinktink83]

Our situation is slightly different, in that having 1 boy, and 1 girl (and then a baby much later)...the toys were distinctly divided. DS has hot wheels, action figures, etc and DD has barbies, my little ponies, etc, and baby DD has baby toys. As they have gotten older, they've had interests merge...littlest pet shops, play food, etc. They'll each get their "own" littlest pets, but they all go in the same bin in the playroom (all toys are kept in there- kids' books, too). You dont need to keep track of who's is what...they remember just fine! lol. And usually when they play, they play together. If there's a problem of who gets what, they have to take turns picking guys until they are all gone- regardless of which one actually belongs to who. Big ticket items are usually given jointly, or to the family, ie, board games, video games, books, movies, big playsets (like the littlest pet shop house, etc)

If they have something special to them, they can keep it in their bedroom. DS keeps his legos in his bedroom since baby DD will tear them up and it was causing meltdowns. DD keeps her American Girl doll stuff and Tea Set in her bedroom (same thing- baby DD will tear them up/break them). So they are allowed to have their own things, too. I've always read that it is important for kids to have something that is theirs, and theirs alone.

So for example, with your kids ages, when friends come over to play, they have to share whatever toy is out. If they feel particularly inclined to one toy, and don't want to share it, they must put it away until friend leaves. (they cant just play with it in front of their friend and not share). With the rest of the toys, they have to take turns picking guys, or using whatever toy. Get an kitchen timer to keep track of the turns. As they get older it wont be as big of a deal anymore. They do grow out of it IME.

 

[pacrosby]

Let me guess... you had a roommate who labelled her milk, which bothered you because you thought the milk should belong to everybody?

When you stop participating in an adult conversation like an adult, I can't converse with you. (btw: at least in my house, milk is not a toy)

And fwiw, I did not have to share my toys as a child because it was just me and my older brother. So you really can't start making these crazy statements that assume that "I" thought everything belonged to me as an adult because everything belonged to me as a child. I didn't. Because it didn't.

I'm not telling people what to do with their kids. To each their own. I'm just relaying my own personal experience, expressing my reasoning behind my decision to do it the way we do, and saying it seems to be working well for us. Not exactly sure why you are having such an issue with it ??????

 

[pacrosby]

I have never understood the concept of "Bradford's Law" (haha let's see how many of you remember you pop culture tv trivia).

What's the point of recieving a gift only to be told that it's really only your gift for the 1st day and after that it's everyones?

I've got twin nephews. They have sometimes had their own rooms and sometimes they share. Either way there was always a 'common' area that held stuff and then they each had an area/box/room to keep their stuff in.


The twins get some gifts that are general gifts (games for systems or board type, sports equiptment, books, etc) they know before hand that it belongs to them both and that others have access to them as well. They also get gifts that are theirs and theirs alone. That means they get to decide who plays with it (though it is up to the parents and adults to guide them into the concept of sharing and to help them make choices), and where it is held. They know that if it's special then THEY need to keep it secure. If they choose to leave it in the common area then other people are going to play with it including their brother, and the next time they need to put it away or they need to relinqish ownership.

I get that sharing is required in some larger families both for convienence or budget, but I would never give a gift to 1 person only to tell them they actually have no real ownership of said gift. That just seems to be tacky. If you mandate that all toys are community property then I think (and it's only my opinon not a judgement) you need to just give gifts that are up front desinated as playroom toys for everyone and not put thier names on it.

How many adults would accept that stipulation on thier own items, and why would you require a child to do it?

I think it's just a different mind set that's all. And our kids know that that is the way it is and no one has a problem with it. Why would you insist that they 'should' have a problem with it if they don't?

And I'll keep saying it....we're talking about toys. Toys are not worshipped in my house. My kids 'own' lots of special things (oh the 'collections' that we have LOL). Those special things most definately belong to them and them alone. That also holds true of toys that they may have purchased with birthday money. If someone wants to play with those things, they have the final say.

Like another poster, my kids typically play together. I don't have one off in one corner, another in another and another in another. They all tend to love many of the same things. And the kinds of toys we have are cars and trucks, figures and playsets, legos, knex and model train sets, crafts and art sets, games and puzzles etc. No Wii or DS's or playstations or any of that. The toys we have are really best suited to group play anyway. Who wants to go off and put on a puppet show all by themselves?

Of course I do have 3 boys and then the oldest is the girl. So that may impact the dynamics here a great deal. The boys are not interested in dd's
'girlie' toys. I hear that dealing with sisters can be a nightmare LOL

 

[pacrosby]

Hmmm. I suppose you think I was selfish for not wanting my teenage sister to wear my shoes - the shoes I bought and paid for with my hard-earned pizza-selling money - because they were "mine, minel" and because she wore them without socks and her sweaty feet made them nasty!


Now, what do you do when one child is significantly older, and the younger child is likely to mess up the older one's toys? Do you still force sharing?

Either you are not reading carefully or you are just trying to be difficult.

Since when are shoes toys? And since when do most kids pay for all of their own toys with their hard earned money? You are comparing apples to oranges.

And as far as younger and older children and how parents handle little ones' 'messing up' toys that belong to the older ones? That's been addressed more than once here. We all need to use our common sense when reading between the lines.

 

[emma'smom]

QUESTION - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON"T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE EVERYTHING... HOW DO YOU KEEP EVERYTHING SEPERATE..... LIKE MY KIDS PROBABLY HAVE 40 BOOKS... DO YOU WRITE A NAME IN EACH?

My girls just know what toys/books belong to them and there are also things that were given/purchased to be shared items (like gymnastics mat, etc). They share most of them...but if there is something special, they will often keep it in their bedroom. So my dd8 keeps her American Girl stuff in her bedroom. Little sister doesn't usually go in there. They do "use" each others toys that are in the playroom and often don't bother asking ahead of time. If it's a toy that becomes a hot topic, then the owner gets a say in when and how it is shared. However, this doesn't really happen much.

As for books, they are pretty much communal property unless it something special...then it goes on the bookshelves in the bedrooms.

QUESTION 2 - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH TOYS THAT A CHILD GREW OUT OF. FOR EXAMPLE, MY OLDER DD USED TO LOVE DORA.. SO SHE HAD LOTS OF DORA BOOKS. BUT NOW THEY ARE TOO EASY TO READ AND SHE THINKS THEY ARE BABYISH. SO IT IS MOSTLY YOUNGER DD LOOKING AT THEM... BUT THEY WERE ORIGINALLY GIVE TO DD1... HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

I don't force dd8 to pass anything down, but I encourage it. So...if she wanted to hang onto something she is really too old for because it has meaning for her...it's her's---so I let her. However, most things seem to naturally get passed on as new things come into the house. Dd8 got a DS and the Leapster went to Dd5....

it's never been a huge issue.

 

[GinnyEmma]

My kids own their stuff, and some things are given as shared. I never made my kids share, always encouraged it. If you aren't given a choice, it isn't really sharing. It doesn't come from the heart, it is just something they have to do.

They are now 16, 14 and 11, and watch out for each other. I'm happy with our choices in this area.

 

[pacrosby]

My kids own their stuff, and some things are given as shared. I never made my kids share, always encouraged it. If you aren't given a choice, it isn't really sharing. It doesn't come from the heart, it is just something they have to do.

They are now 16, 14 and 11, and watch out for each other. I'm happy with our choices in this area.

Honestly I'm not trying to pick an argument here just wanting to point out that if kids grow up from the get-go KNOWING that toys are meant to be shared and abide by that without question than of course it still qualifies as 'sharing'.

It's only if you have a child who has serious issues with it and you force them to do it anyway that perhaps you could qualify it as otherwise (although in a structured school setting they might disagree as they force little Johnny to share his blocks with little Joey even though little Johnny is kicking and screaming up a storm "I'm sorry Johnny but you must SHARE your toys" LOL).

I need to go look up the definition of 'sharing' and see if being happy about it has anything to do with it LOL

I have never once in the past 10 years heard any of my kids say "it's mine" whilst trying to keep a sibling from playing with some everyday toy.

At the same time, I have also never heard one of my children try to play with one of their siblings more cherished possessions without permission.

Apparently, even at 5, 7, 9 and 10, they know the difference.

I don't know, IMO any child who is that possessive may be dealing with a few other issues that go far beyond just sharing a barbie doll (i.e. sibling rivalry).

 

[tlbwriter]

Either you are not reading carefully or you are just trying to be difficult.

Since when are shoes toys?

YOU are the one who said "this attitude carries into adulthood" and that you could tell from your roommates. But only with toys? So you had roommates who wouldn't share their toys? I was well beyond My Little Pony by the time I had a roommate, so I guess I missed something - did yours refuse to share her ponies with you?

And since when do most kids pay for all of their own toys with their hard earned money? You are comparing apples to oranges.

I see very little difference between something that was gifted to me and something I bought. Either way, it was meant to be mine - either because I wanted it enough to buy it myself, or because someone picked it out for me and gave it to me. If you think a child doesn't deserve to "own" their toy because it was a gift... well, honestly, that makes me sad.

 

[pacrosby]

YOU are the one who said "this attitude carries into adulthood" and that you could tell from your roommates. But only with toys? So you had roommates who wouldn't share their toys? I was well beyond My Little Pony by the time I had a roommate, so I guess I missed something - did yours refuse to share her ponies with you?





I see very little difference between something that was gifted to me and something I bought. Either way, it was meant to be mine - either because I wanted it enough to buy it myself, or because someone picked it out for me and gave it to me. If you think a child doesn't deserve to "own" their toy because it was a gift... well, honestly, that makes me sad.

Like I said before, I can't have an adult conversation unless you can communcate like a reasonable mature adult.

I didn't say they didn't 'own' their toys. I said they shared their toys.

Just because something was given to 'you', doesn't mean you shouldn't let others play with it too. ESPECIALLY if you are not playing with it.

btw: I notice that you reference the words "me" "mine" and "myself" alot (referring to yourself). This is exactly what I'm trying to avoid with my kids. The world isn't all about 'you'.



I'm sorry you can't comprehend my point of view. That's fine. My children seem to have no difficulty with the concept and, ultimately, that's really all that matters here.

 

[Shelly888]

In our house, everything is shared as long as the person using it is using it correctly. If it is in danger of being broken then they can either try harder, or wait until they can . Although their is a large age difference between our boys now, Benjamin had many play dates growing up and the rule in our house was it either got shared or nobody played with it. At 6 1/2 now Benjamin LOVES to share, he truly does. I know it sounds all Pollyanna and such, but it worked beautifully in our house, and we will have the same rule for William when he has friends over.

 

[Hannathy]

My kids own their stuff, and some things are given as shared. I never made my kids share, always encouraged it. If you aren't given a choice, it isn't really sharing. It doesn't come from the heart, it is just something they have to do.

They are now 16, 14 and 11, and watch out for each other. I'm happy with our choices in this area.

I agree with this. My kids always had things that it was perfectly ok to say no to sharing.


It really isn't that hard kids know what belongs to each other, better than the adults do actually!

Books especially kiddie books got shared but it was clear whose book it really was, but each child also has books that they don't share, like my DD's first edition Harry Potter books. If my DS wants to read a Harry potter book he reads one of the other editions she has not her first editions and asks first.

To be honest I never knew there were families that kids didn't have their own toys and had to share everything until I read this thread

 

[Hannathy]

btw: I notice that you reference the words "me" "mine" and "myself" alot (referring to yourself). This is exactly what I'm trying to avoid with my kids. The world isn't all about 'you'.

But the world isn't all about sharing everything either. The world is about personal property and asking before using and getting permission, And respecting others property. This has to be learned also. And I think that is harder to learn than just playing with anything that is there without regards to whose it is or if you can.

 

[okeydokey]

But they do own the toys themselves...it is just known that everyone can use them if they aren't. DD has a DS game system, DS doesn't - if you ask - ds and dd know that it is 'dd's toy'. And they both love it.

The part I don't get is when one child says NO the other child can't use it. Why on earth wouldn't the parent step in? No way would I be able to handle seeing that selfish "mine, mine" behavior without correcting it.

Because the item belongs to them and they control it. If they want to share, that's great. If not, maybe they will next time. I would always encourage sharing, but I wouldn't step in and force it.

If a friend asked to borrow my car, I have the right to say no.