Your stuff, my stuff, sharing between siblings!

[GinnyEmma]

lol, your kids are all of 4 and 6. Nothing personal, but what worked for us at that age was much different than at 16, 14 and 11. It will be interesting how it goes later in life. When the gifts are a robot kit, an am/fm radio kit and a $100 lego model.

and each shares well, lol. They have worked with people with nothing on mission trips, earning their own funds.

 

[Hannathy]

lol, your kids are all of 4 and 6. Nothing personal, but what worked for us at that age was much different than at 16, 14 and 11. It will be interesting how it goes later in life. When the gifts are a robot kit, an am/fm radio kit and a $100 lego model.

and each shares well, lol. They have worked with people with nothing on mission trips, earning their own funds.

I agree! It is easy to share indestructible fisher price toys or matchbox cars. Wait till the 5 yr old plays with the $25 miniature plane and just spins the propeller wrong and breaks it , or bends the corner of a "rare" card. Who will be replacing these? the child who broke it or the child who collected it? and that gets rather pricey just to have common property.

Same with my kids, they always knew whose toys were whose and asked and also share very well.

 

[GinnyEmma]

I agree! It is easy to share indestructible fisher price toys or matchbox cars. Wait till the 5 yr old plays with the $25 miniature plane and just spins the propeller wrong and breaks it , or bends the corner of a "rare" card. Who will be replacing these? the child who broke it or the child who collected it? and that gets rather pricey just to have common property.

Same with my kids, they always knew whose toys were whose and asked and also share very well.

Or, in my house, I have a breaker. He, at 16 still feels the need to figure how everything works, and how far it can be pushed. (Heading to Engineering college next year, lol) And the next one is a compulsive child who takes diligent care of all of his things. He is the NIB, kind of kid.

 

[tlh0726]

One of the best statements here!

thank you!

You learn so much being a parent, now if it only paid better

 

[redandblue]

My DS is 3 and DD is turning 1 on Friday. We have a play area in the basement what is down there is community property any special toys will be kept in their room. I know their toys will be pretty seperated but I also know that boys and girls will play together. I know DD will play with DS's legos and cars as she gets older and I know I DS will play with DD's my little ponies, littlest pet shop and other toys.

I am all for sharing but within reason. My niece is always telling my DS to share and I agree for the most part but when it is on his birthday or christmas I don't step in and sometimes I will say let him play with his toy. I mean if I get a kindle for Christmas I wouldn't be to happy if a family member said I want to play with that you need to share 10 minutes after I opened it.

 

[kohlby]

My kids are almost 2, 4, and 7. The toddler isn't an issue yet. For the other two kids, the rule is that if it's in your room, then the sibling has to ask to play with it and you're allowed to say yes or no. If the toy is in the playroom or left in any room other than your bedroom, then it's fair game. This has worked VERY well for us. (Though I also thought it would help the kids pick up their special toys. Turns out they would rather share than clean up!) The kids still feel like they have some say but still share. The toys in their rooms are also often shared, but they usually want the first turn of their toy.

Sometimes I'll have to say "you can share it if you want but you don't have to." 99% of the time that will result in a shared toy! I know if I forced sharing, I'd get 100% but it's not worth the cost. I think kids get more out of sharing when it's intrinsic.

 

[pacrosby]

lol, your kids are all of 4 and 6. Nothing personal, but what worked for us at that age was much different than at 16, 14 and 11. It will be interesting how it goes later in life. When the gifts are a robot kit, an am/fm radio kit and a $100 lego model.

and each shares well, lol. They have worked with people with nothing on mission trips, earning their own funds.

I know this wasn't directed at me but I just wanted to point out that those of us who choose to have our kids share toys are not saying we don't realize that there are circumstances when perhaps reasonable limits need to be placed.

If kids have fancy electronics (ipods, ds games, computers etc.) of course the 'rules' will change. That's common sense. My kids don't have any of those things.

If one kid is butter fingers and is always breaking everything or losing everything, of course the 'rules' will change. That's common sense. My kids though don't seem to have that problem.

The list could go on.

So please don't assume we don't have any brains. We realize many of the obvious things that you all are pointing out. Reasonable possessiveness? OK, that makes sense. Unreasonable? Nuh-uh. Not having it in my house

 

[pacrosby]

Sometimes I'll have to say "you can share it if you want but you don't have to." 99% of the time that will result in a shared toy! I know if I forced sharing, I'd get 100% but it's not worth the cost. I think kids get more out of sharing when it's intrinsic.

I'm not picking on you per se just using this comment as a jumping off point because it's been said before.

When parents expect and require their children to thank those who have given them a gift.....is that forcing? Would it be better to give them the choice or are they teaching them about approriate behavior?

When parents expect and require their children to make eye contact and respond politely and appropriately to people who may address them......is that forcing? Would it be better to give them the choice or are they teaching them about appropriate behavior?

Only two examples but certainly the list could go on.

IDK...to me sharing is sometimes simply appropriate social behavior. I understand that no one should be expected to share everything....but I also don't believe that children should grow up believing that it is perfectly acceptable to decide not to share anything or to not share just because "it's mine and I said so" (and I'm pretty sure there are actually people here who have said that that is how things work in their house). I just feel like it enables selfish and irrational thinking.

 

[MistressMerryweather]

I haven't read all the response(doh!) but this is what we do in our house. For Christmas, I make sure to give a lot of "shared" gifts. We call them "family toys". So, there is no argument in who can play with what. That said, I cannot ever understand the mindset of making children share *all* their things. It doesn't make sense, nor is it fair. What is the point in getting them anything for their birthday, Christmas etc. if you are just going to limit the specialness of it.
The rule in our house is, "if it's that special to you, it needs to be kept in your room. You can take it out of your room and play with it, but if you leave it out and are not playing with it, it's free game." If someone picks it up and starts playing with it, "sorry, if it's special to you, it should be in your room and it's out so sister can play with it. When she's done, feel free to put it back in your room." Now, it sounds like you would have a child who then hoards all their toys in their room, LOL, but it never ends up that way. 99% of the time, after the newness wears off in a week or two, it gets left out and is put away in the "free for all" playroom. If they discover something and take a new interest in an old toy of theirs, they are always welcome to make it special and keep it in their room again. I really like the fact that it is their responsibility to keep track of their own things. They learn really fast not to leave stuff lying around, especially when it a prized lovey they have had since birth. "But that's my special teddy!", "I'm sorry honey, but you are responsible to take care of it. You'll have to wait until your brother is finished playing with it and then you can have it back." It works so well! We instated this rule when dd was 2 and ds was 4, and they have understood it from the beginning. Now we have a 2yo, 5yo, and 7yo and another on the way and our household is fairly peaceful in regard to toys and sharing.

 

[MistressMerryweather]

QUESTION - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON"T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE EVERYTHING... HOW DO YOU KEEP EVERYTHING SEPERATE..... LIKE MY KIDS PROBABLY HAVE 40 BOOKS... DO YOU WRITE A NAME IN EACH?

It's not my job to keep stuff separate. It's theirs and they don't do it for the most part, hence it ends up in the playroom. I don't ever pick something up and say, take this toy to your room. I say, "put this away" and more often than not, it gets put in the playroom. I don't write names in books unless it was a super special book I had found for a particular child that I want them to have as a keepsake. Books go on the bookshelf in the playroom. If it's hyper special, they keep it in their room, but usually books are "free for all" by their own choice.

QUESTION 2 - FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T MAKE YOUR KIDS SHARE, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH TOYS THAT A CHILD GREW OUT OF. FOR EXAMPLE, MY OLDER DD USED TO LOVE DORA.. SO SHE HAD LOTS OF DORA BOOKS. BUT NOW THEY ARE TOO EASY TO READ AND SHE THINKS THEY ARE BABYISH. SO IT IS MOSTLY YOUNGER DD LOOKING AT THEM... BUT THEY WERE ORIGINALLY GIVE TO DD1... HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

If they have outgrown books/toys we give it away together or if there are younger children we pass it down. If it was something super special that they really cherish, then it gets put away. Usually though, that is never the case. They don't care and they understand, "hey, this is a baby book, we need to pass this down to your brother."

 

[pacrosby]

That said, I cannot ever understand the mindset of making children share *all* their things. It doesn't make sense, nor is it fair. What is the point in getting them anything for their birthday, Christmas etc. if you are just going to limit the specialness of it.
.

I think if you actually had the time to read all of the posts you might have your answer to this question. Or at least to the question as to why someone might require their children to share the great majority of their toys. I don't think a single person here has suggested that kids need to share every single "thing" they own, all the time, without exception.

Not that I'm suggesting you do of course (take the time to read it I mean) Per usual we all got a little carried away here hdidn't we? LOL

 

[MistressMerryweather]

So for example, with your kids ages, when friends come over to play, they have to share whatever toy is out. If they feel particularly inclined to one toy, and don't want to share it, they must put it away until friend leaves. (they cant just play with it in front of their friend and not share).

Yes, this, exactly. They are always learning to share and at the same time are learning responsibility for the things they feel are important to them.

 

[kohlby]

is that forcing? Would it be better to give them the choice or are they teaching them about approriate behavior?

I think there's a balance. The toys out of my kids must be shared. Not making them share the toys in their room is giving them some control. They're still doing some forced sharing but there's unforced sharing as well. Plus at 4 and 7, my kids easily understand that if they share their toys, their sibling is more likely to share as well. They understand too that it's easier to play with each other if they share. My older two have their fair share of sibling arguements but can also play happily for hours with each other, so sharing is essential for playtime. They have to compromise a lot with each other or one will not want to play. I usually don't have to intervene.

I want to give my kids some wiggle room to make their own decisions but they're kids still learning about sharing so they can't have complete free-reign. We teach our kids so much, but they need opportunities to practice what we've taught them without us too.

 

[pacrosby]

I think there's a balance. The toys out of my kids must be shared. Not making them share the toys in their room is giving them some control. They're still doing some forced sharing but there's unforced sharing as well. Plus at 4 and 7, my kids easily understand that if they share their toys, their sibling is more likely to share as well. They understand too that it's easier to play with each other if they share. My older two have their fair share of sibling arguements but can also play happily for hours with each other, so sharing is essential for playtime. They have to compromise a lot with each other or one will not want to play. I usually don't have to intervene.

I want to give my kids some wiggle room to make their own decisions but they're kids still learning about sharing so they can't have complete free-reign. We teach our kids so much, but they need opportunities to practice what we've taught them without us too.

Well I think that we are in full agreement then

My kids may be expected to share everyday toys but they don't have to share 'everything' so there's lots of opportunities to learn and practice negotiation and cooperation etc.

I feel like a broken record but it seems like one person after another (often the same people) keep furthering the assumption that it's all or nothing here and then base their comments on that assumption. Makes my head ache

 

[Hannathy]

Hi there,

I'm wondering how other families handle things like this. I have two DD's, aged 4 and 6, and they have a lot of similar interests. How we have always handled stuff in the past is that when you get a new toy for birthday or xmas, you can play with it first, but after a day or so, it's fair game. So, for example, if my older DD got a barbie, after she got to play with it first, it would go into the barbie bin with all the other barbies. So if a week later, if the barbie was sitting in the bin, and no one was playing with it, and younger DD went over to the new barbie and started playing with it, that would be no problem.

However, now after xmas, again things have settled down and all the toys are put away, playmobiles in the playmobile bin, barbies in the barbies bin, books on the bookshelf. But as soon as one DD picks up something to play with, the other DD will claim ownership.

I was talking to another friend about this, and she said that each of her son's has their own stuff, and they never share. He has his lego, and the other son has his own. One son has his own DS games, the other has his own, etc.

For one thing that sounds like a logistical nightmare separating them and keeping them separate. But also, is it really that unreasonable to have them share their toys with their sibling??

How do others handle this?

Could this be why?

the very first post is what people are basing their statements on. Her children do share everything. It is all fair game and all goes into the same bins.

 

[GinnyEmma]

Could this be why?

the very first post is what people are basing their statements on. Her children do share everything. It is all fair game and all goes into the same bins.

Yep. It isn't about you pacrosby. I don't mean that nearly like it looks. I'd forgotten you weren't the op, you seemed so vested.

 

[pacrosby]

Yep. It isn't about you pacrosby. I don't mean that nearly like it looks. I'd forgotten you weren't the op, you seemed so vested.

LOL I guess once I start feeling the heat (in this case from one particular poster) I feel the need to make sure what I am really saying is being heard.


But just for kicks, as I read the OPs initial post I actually don't 'hear' what you hear. Maybe because I pretty much do the same thing (put most everything in the playroom where it is free game). And I think I've explained in numerous ways, from many different angles, why I do it, why I feel it works for us, and why I don't believe there will be any long-term negative consequences as a result of my approach.

There is alot that the OP didn't say in that post so you'd have to agree that many are making a heck of a lot of assumptions.

Do we know for a fact that there are not, nor will there ever be, any exceptions to the 'share all' rule?

Do we know their family's attitudes about toys in general? Maybe, like in my house, the kids simply don't develop these strong personal attachments to barbie dolls and legos? Maybe, like my kids, they have special collections or stuffed animals or whatever that are theirs and their alone?

I could go on but you get what I'm saying I'm sure.

Sometimes more questions need to be asked before we pick up the whipping stick, iykwim LOL



You know I often start in these discussions with the intent of simply putting in my two cents but end up sticking around because it just starts to seem like people aren't 'listening' to each other (especially if they twist my words, then I'm generally in it for the long haul LOL). For some reason I feel this need to try and get people to back up, stop making assumptions, start reading people's words carefully and realize that there really can be more than one way to look at things.

IDK, call me crazy. You wouldn't be the first

 

[GinnyEmma]

lol, I do the same things. add that to the fact that i always just check in with my subscribed threads, and I too become vested. I've had to walk away and simply ignore a couple of exceedingly rude or merely wretchedly irritating folks.

Thanks for seeing my comment the way I meant and not the way it would have sounded with attitude.

I do see the op's statement as being all things belong to everyone, and I do disagree with it. It comes down as simply as that. The rest is just fluff and a boring day for me.

 

[mrsr2ro]

Wow - so many opinions on this!! Here's what we do:

My boys are 4 & 6, share a bedroom. Girls are 2 and 8mo. Their bedrooms are too small to really "play toys" in. So everything being played with is in our one family room. (no basement/designated play room). We keep like toys in bins and allow a few out at a time / rotate to keep things fresh.

So at the end of the day everything is lumped together and no one has specific toys that are just theirs.

For example -- the boys are into wooden trains (I buy the generic brand ones). Say for xmas, one DS will get a package of "straight track" and one will get a package of "curve pieces". It all gets merged and they play with it together. I can't imagine keeping track of whose bridge belongs to who They'll make one big layout and play together.

Another example is matchbox type cars. We have plastic bins of them and they could care less who got which car for what holiday. If they want to play cars, they get a bin and pay cars.

We have a ton of Little People sets when it was just the boys. Now my 2yo DD is starting to play with them and the thought never crossed my mind who they belong to. They belong to the family.

Now that they are getting older and when our 2yo was originally mobile --sure they have toys that she is not allowed near for safety reasons (and knocking things over). So there are some things they are only allowed when she is napping, in bed, out on an errand with one parent, etc. Once 2yo is bigger she can join in (she still puts small things in her mouth).

I know this will change as they get older and get items that ARE more like possesions. And then they will probably have more of an ownership level. But for the toys we do have... it's just not a big deal right now. My children enjoy toys, play with toys, but don't really consider toys as possesions. If there are any fights over a specific toy we have taught them to settle it themselves with the logic of who had it first, for how long, take turns, etc. If we have to intervene the toy goes to time out. They are very good at sharing and really don't fight over toys often.