Your stuff, my stuff, sharing between siblings!

[3pletprincesses]

I have triplets and everything is shared. N oway I could keep everything seperated. The good thing is that they don't mind sharing. also I have almost everything in 3s which drives me nuts. Too many toys

 

[bellebud]

I have a dd11 and ds9, and like many other posters here, some things are 'family' things, and some are their own. And I tell them that if something is *that* special, but it in your bedroom, not the playroom.

They still fight over some things, and I encourage them letting the other use their item, but I don't totally force, unless I think the child is being spiteful (like a toy they haven't touched or looked at in years, then all of a sudden they have a burning desire to use it when the other one decides to use it). I won't allow that because it's not about sharing anymore, it's about 'getting' the other sibling - being mean.

I always remind them that when kids (cousins or friends) come over to play, everything in the playroom is community property - so put something away if you don't want it touched.

Works well for us.

 

[msimatovich]

Originally I would have answered "My kids share everything, and we have the same rule about the first couple days that you have something it is yours to play with" but I would also have to say there are a little bit of limits. My DS(7) and my DD(8) have and ipod that if their older brother (10) would like to use then he would ask. DS(10) and DS(7) have a PSP if either of them would like to play a game for that it is free game as long as the other is not playing. If DD(8) would want to play with the PSP I would expect her to ask. But both DS get Legos and i would never let them claim rights to pieces...making them share makes them more creative anyways...the end up building more then what is pictured!!! To be honest that has never been a problem anyway, most of the time they are more then happy to share because there is always some toy of their siblings that they want to play with anyways. Also have 2 DD(1 and 2) most of there things are shared...actually the only thing I can think of that is not is the blankets that they sleep with. It is to hard for either of them to grasp the concept of why they would not be able to play with a toy just because the were not given it for a birthday etc. This is how we did it with the older three and now we truly never have problems with them fight over toys...They know the things that you should ask for and the things that are free game...hope we have taught them right!!

 

[mjkacmom]

Because the item belongs to them and they control it. If they want to share, that's great. If not, maybe they will next time. I would always encourage sharing, but I wouldn't step in and force it.

If a friend asked to borrow my car, I have the right to say no.

In our house, since everything is pretty much shared, there are really no times that one of my children will not want a sibling to use something of theirs if it's free. I don't think that the kids even remember who's games are who's, who's nerf guns are who's, etc. We have several ds's, to be used by whoever wants to use one, same with the games. Ds12 actually boughy our Wii, and the xbox was for all of them. They take turns. My 4 youngest rarely argue.

ETA - they know not to touch our stuff without asking - we're grownups.

 

[pacrosby]

But the world isn't all about sharing everything either. The world is about personal property and asking before using and getting permission, And respecting others property. This has to be learned also. And I think that is harder to learn than just playing with anything that is there without regards to whose it is or if you can.

I would agree with you if I were saying children should never own ANYTHING that didn't have to be shared. But that's not what I'm saying. My kids own lots of things that they don't have to 'share'. They just don't happen to be everyday toys that's all

And honestly, I don't see anyone else here is suggesting that children need to share EVERYTHING either. Starts to make all the nit-picking (that's not directed at you) sort of silly.

I've said it before, at least in my house, toys are not worshipped. They are simply playthings and there are plenty to go around.



ETA: I am starting to wonder if people's attitudes about all this tend to be influenced by how many kids they have and possibly even how many toys they have LOL Just seems like larger families are MORE LIKELY (always are exceptions of course) to have kids share than smaller families. But what about the number of toys? Honestly, my house has always been stocked like a daycare/rec center. Number 1....I've got a lot of kids. Number 2....my kids have always stayed home with me full-time (until K). Number 3....I never throw anything away until it's no longer developmentally appropriate/broken/useless. I can certainly see kids getting more attached to their playthings if they don't have an overabundance. But when there's more than enough to play with, there's always something else fabulous lurking in another cabinet

 

[brymolmom]

Because the item belongs to them and they control it. If they want to share, that's great. If not, maybe they will next time. I would always encourage sharing, but I wouldn't step in and force it.

If a friend asked to borrow my car, I have the right to say no.

Of course you have the right to say no...but the kind and generous thing to do (assuming it is asked in dire need and from a reponsible and very good friend) would be to say yes. And I don't consider it forcing, I consider it teaching my kids to be kind and generous with their things. Just like when they don't want to eat their grilled chicken and vegetables - of course when they're an adult they will have the right to have pizza for dinner every night, but I am trying to teach some better habits so hopefully that won't happen.

 

[Leajess99]

But they do own the toys themselves...it is just known that everyone can use them if they aren't. DD has a DS game system, DS doesn't - if you ask - ds and dd know that it is 'dd's toy'. And they both love it.

The part I don't get is when one child says NO the other child can't use it. Why on earth wouldn't the parent step in? No way would I be able to handle seeing that selfish "mine, mine" behavior without correcting it.

Just becuase the owner of the item chooses not to share does not make them selfish. Are you going to step in all their lives when they see something they want and someone else is not willing to share it with them??

I allow my kids their own belongings and they are not selfish if they choose not to share it at some particular time. Maybe their sibling has broken something in the past and they don't wish this item to be broken. You just never know but to assume they are selfish is just ridiculous.

 

[brymolmom]

Just becuase the owner of the item chooses not to share does not make them selfish. Are you going to step in all their lives when they see something they want and someone else is not willing to share it with them??
I allow my kids their own belongings and they are not selfish if they choose not to share it at some particular time. Maybe their sibling has broken something in the past and they don't wish this item to be broken. You just never know but to assume they are selfish is just ridiculous.

As much as I would like to, I know we need to cut the apron strings at some point and all I can do is the best I can to instill these values into them now and mold their behaviors and discipline the ones I want to steer them away from and then hope and pray that most of it takes hold as those strings are cut.

And I did state in another post that if one child isn't responsible enough to handle the toy of the other, that would be a point of concern and where I would consider those toys off limits. I am simply talking about the situations where the pet shop is hanging out in the corner, unplayed with - and the non-owner picks it up but the owner, who is in an off mood, grabs it away and says 'no it's mine'. That, IMO, would be selfish.

 

[funkychunkymonkey]

I have two cousins who are like sisters to me. We all share one big basement play area (though I do have a tiny seprate area). They ask before take anything of mine. As far as how they share, they both love dolls and have tons of real baby junk for there dolls. They know whats theirs and whats not but they share without asking each other. The only main time we have issues is when one of them is mad at the other one, then all heck breaks loose. The girls keep there books in there room. The oldest has a collection of legos which are hers. She keeps them in a little suitcase so her sister cant mess with them. We also have things that are family items,like DVDs, some DS games, that sorta stuff, that we all share. We "kids" are 26, 11, and 10.

 

[tlbwriter]

Like I said before, I can't have an adult conversation unless you can communcate like a reasonable mature adult.

I didn't say they didn't 'own' their toys. I said they shared their toys.

Just because something was given to 'you', doesn't mean you shouldn't let others play with it too. ESPECIALLY if you are not playing with it.

Well, now I'm confused. You seemed to be supporting the idea that toys don't "belong" to anyone. And now you're backing off from that stance.

So, where exactly did I say you shouldn't let others play with your toys? I believe, if you'd stop sniping at me long enough to actually read my posts, you'd see I said exactly the opposite.

btw: I notice that you reference the words "me" "mine" and "myself" alot (referring to yourself). This is exactly what I'm trying to avoid with my kids. The world isn't all about 'you'.

Stretching a bit there, aren't you? I notice you didn't address any of the content of my post, just the way I wrote it. Isn't that kind of admitting that you actually have no argument? I'm still really curious about your conflicting "this only applies to toys" and "I've seen this attitude in adults" statements, and can't help but notice that you have chosen to ignore that discrepancy. Is that an example of "communicating like a reasonable adult?" If so, thanks for the lesson in adult communication.

 

[MSSANDRA]

Of course you have the right to say no...but the kind and generous thing to do (assuming it is asked in dire need and from a reponsible and very good friend) would be to say yes. And I don't consider it forcing, I consider it teaching my kids to be kind and generous with their things. Just like when they don't want to eat their grilled chicken and vegetables - of course when they're an adult they will have the right to have pizza for dinner every night, but I am trying to teach some better habits so hopefully that won't happen.

But learning to say "no" is also a lesson kids need to learn. Many adults get themselves into trouble for just being "nice" and saying yes when they need and want to say no. It has to be a balance there somewhere.

 

[tlbwriter]

Of course you have the right to say no...but the kind and generous thing to do (assuming it is asked in dire need and from a reponsible and very good friend) would be to say yes. And I don't consider it forcing, I consider it teaching my kids to be kind and generous with their things.

But if they don't have a choice, how is it not forcing?

 

[pacrosby]

Well, now I'm confused. You seemed to be supporting the idea that toys don't "belong" to anyone. And now you're backing off from that stance.

So, where exactly did I say you shouldn't let others play with your toys? I believe, if you'd stop sniping at me long enough to actually read my posts, you'd see I said exactly the opposite.



Stretching a bit there, aren't you? I notice you didn't address any of the content of my post, just the way I wrote it. Isn't that kind of admitting that you actually have no argument? I'm still really curious about your conflicting "this only applies to toys" and "I've seen this attitude in adults" statements, and can't help but notice that you have chosen to ignore that discrepancy. Is that an example of "communicating like a reasonable adult?" If so, thanks for the lesson in adult communication.

I'm not interested in fighting with some stranger and to me, it seems that you are itchin' to go at it. Some of what you say is rather convoluted.

Maybe I didn't choose my words carefully at some point. Or perhaps you just didn't follow the bouncing ball. My statements "this only applies to toys" and "I've seen this behavior in adults" were not made within the same paragraph. They are not conflicting because they have nothing to do with one another.

Bottom line is the great majority of toys in our house are expected to be shared because toys are just playthings, not 'prized possessions'. That was my point in my initial post. If you want to get 'technical' about it I suppose that many of our toys do have an 'owner'... that being the child who originally received it for their bday or xmas. BUT it still will be shared with everyone and there is no need to ask permission beforehand, provided of course that it is not currently being used by another child. An idle toy is pretty much free game.

So why do we bother to put a name on ANY toy? Well the answer is pretty obvious if it's someone's birthday (however for bdays my kids are more likely to get special things like bikes and skis and such, things that are less likely to be shared). For Xmas perhaps the answer is equally obvious. Santa gives presents to each child not to the whole family. It's exciting to see their name on something and/or to know Santa was thinking of them when he decided to bring a specific toy. But, to my kids anyway, that doesn't mean Santa didn't want everyone to be able to enjoy it.

You are curious as to how this "only applies to toys"? They are expected to share toys. They aren't expected to share 'everything'. They have crazy collections and stuffed animals and special little trinkets that are strictly theirs; that no one is allowed access to without their permission. So this argument that they will not understand the meaning of owning something of their own, or understand that everything in the world is not theirs for the taking actually has no basis.

So again, in case you missed the point.......in our house toys are simply playthings, they are not 'prized possessions'.

I think kids need to be able to differentiate between what is important and what is not. Allowing children to be possessive for the sake of being possessive without regard to the reasonableness of that decision, IMO, is not a great idea. My opinion. That is why my children are not allowed to be possessive over everyday things like everyday toys. It's not a choice because I don't think it's reasonable. And I don't wish my children to believe that unreasonable behavior is appropriate.


FWIW, I'm not 'sniping' at you. But your comebacks take the form of that which I would expect from an adolescent - smart aleck, sarcastic comments with ridiculous emoticons intended to do what? Entice an adult conversation? You pretty much should expect to get back what you put out.

And yes I have seen very selfish behavior in adults who are all about the 'my my my' and I do happen to know for a fact that as children they were not required to share. Does that mean that I think every child who is not required to share will end up as a selfish adult. No. But I do think it increases the chances. Some will learn to share even though they are not required to. But others will not and the long term consequences are...... interesting. Examples? I've got plenty and I would have been happy to provide them but when you choose to throw out smart remarks such as "What? was your roommates milk labeled and you thought it should belong to everyone?" and "What, wouldn't your roommate let you play with her My Little Ponies?", the conversation is over.

If you really want to exchange ideas with people you need to talk to them like an adult. You simply don't seem to be interested in a real discussion and therefore I can't be bothered to continue the nonsense.

Sorry.

 

[pacrosby]

Tlbwriter:

No, I didn't say "nothing" belonged to them. I'm talking about toys and toys alone. Remember, I have 4 kids all very close in age. There are alot of toys in this house and most of them are approriate for play by 3, or even all 4 children. Doing things the way some people apparently choose to (according to this thread) would be a nightmare for me and my kids.

And actually your perspective is wrong. They don't feel that 'nothing' belongs to them. Rather they feel like 'everything' belongs to them. Or rather everything is available for them to use when someone else is not using it. We share our 'toys'. There really is no reason not to. We are family. They are toys.

Perhaps the above post is the post that confused you?

If so please refer to the second paragraph above which reads "They don't feel that 'nothing' belongs to them. Rather they feel like 'everything belongs to them. OR RATHER EVERYTHING IS AVAILABLE FOR THEM TO USE WHEN SOMEONE ELSE IS NOT USING IT."


So no, I wasn't trying to imply they don't "own" any of their toys. Just that ownership does not equate with exclusive use of and/or power over.

I hope that clears up your confusion.

 

[Leajess99]

Of course you have the right to say no...but the kind and generous thing to do (assuming it is asked in dire need and from a reponsible and very good friend) would be to say yes. And I don't consider it forcing, I consider it teaching my kids to be kind and generous with their things. Just like when they don't want to eat their grilled chicken and vegetables - of course when they're an adult they will have the right to have pizza for dinner every night, but I am trying to teach some better habits so hopefully that won't happen.

I guess I will never be generous because it does not matter to me how good of a friend you are, you are not driving my car. There are just too many possibilities of what could happen should I let someone drive my car. And should the borrower be doing something illegal that I don't know about (because quite honestly I know I am not with friends 24/7 so I don't know what they do when I am not with them), they could be putting my vehicle at risk. I have seen how fast a friendship can end over a car accident especially when the owner was sued and had nothing to do with the accident.

Now, as far as teaching kids to be generous, it is not that hard but just because a child requires someone to ask before using their toys or whatnot does not make them selfish.

 

[brymolmom]

I guess I will never be generous because it does not matter to me how good of a friend you are, you are not driving my car. There are just too many possibilities of what could happen should I let someone drive my car. And should the borrower be doing something illegal that I don't know about (because quite honestly I know I am not with friends 24/7 so I don't know what they do when I am not with them), they could be putting my vehicle at risk. I have seen how fast a friendship can end over a car accident especially when the owner was sued and had nothing to do with the accident.

Now, as far as teaching kids to be generous, it is not that hard but just because a child requires someone to ask before using their toys or whatnot does not make them selfish.

I guess that's our different perspectives. I would always allow a good friend to borrow my car if they needed it and I had it available to loan out (didn't need it myself). In fact, a good friend borrowed it to take a trip to NC one year. She and her boyfriend (also a good friend) were bringing his 3 teenage kids down there and their cars were a lot smaller than ours and would have been a very tight squeeze for the long drive. So dh and I let them borrow our SUV.

I know them well enough to know if something bad happened - they would have paid for any damage incurred.

I agree on the asking - always a polite thing to teach - it's the deciding 'no' for no reason with toys at least that I have difficulty with.

 

[okeydokey]

As much as I would like to, I know we need to cut the apron strings at some point and all I can do is the best I can to instill these values into them now and mold their behaviors and discipline the ones I want to steer them away from and then hope and pray that most of it takes hold as those strings are cut.

And I did state in another post that if one child isn't responsible enough to handle the toy of the other, that would be a point of concern and where I would consider those toys off limits. I am simply talking about the situations where the pet shop is hanging out in the corner, unplayed with - and the non-owner picks it up but the owner, who is in an off mood, grabs it away and says 'no it's mine'. That, IMO, would be selfish.

Just because each of my kids have toys that are theirs alone doesn't mean I am not instilling the value of sharing onto them. My kids are great at sharing. I am also instilling the value of asking for permission before taking something that belongs to somebody else.

 

[tlh0726]

Didn't read all the posts but for the ones I did
Before posting, please take a deep breath, and exhale while counting to 10

The OP asked a question on how you handle this in your home.
There is no right or wrong answer.
If your method works for you and your family great .
What works for you doesn't always work for someone else.
No method makes you a better or worse parent for doing what you do.

OP,
Reading your replies, I think that your methods and our methods are very similliar.
We share everything in our house - food, drinks, colds, toys, games, puzzles, etc.
DS got a slot car track for xmas, both kids play with it.
DD got a Udraw for the wii, both kids play with it.
Do either ask for permission to use it, no because it is in a common area.
If someone is playing with something, then the other needs to ask to use it just not walk up and take it.
Before taking a sip or bite of food or drink, we ask if we can I have some. It is not just walk up and do it.
If something is in someone's bedroom, then you need to ask permission to get it. If they say no, then it is no. We consider bedrooms your safe haven. Everyone is welcome but need to get the okay from you.

We have done this since the kids were babies.
It is just 2nd nature to them, no questions asked about sharing.
It works for us and we are happy about it.

Wanted to add that it makes DH and I just smile when we are sitting somewhere sharing 2 ice creams or even 1 large dish with 4 spoons.
I do not think we would get the same enjoyment if we had to purchase 4 mickey ice cream bars only to turn around and throw 2/3 of 2 of them away.

 

[robinsegg]

1. Each of my children has things that are "theirs".
2. There are things that were given to the family or to the older 2 kids.
3. Permission must be asked when wanting to play with a toy kept in someone's room (not in the common play area).
4. My children have always gone into each others' rooms to play together with very little problem.
5. My 18mo shares *very* well.
6. When both our older children (2 years apart) wanted the same toy, I would try to help them work things out (and eventually just expected them to work things out). If this couldn't be accomplished, the toy became *mine* for a time and both children found something else to play with. This was mostly with shared toys and when we couldn't figure out who had picked it up first. If it was a toy from someone's room and the other child had it, I would ask if permission was asked. If the answer was "no", then the toy reverted to the "owner", and then permission was asked. Only on a few occasions was the toy not shared . . . the child just wanted the courtesy of being asked.

HTH!

 

[robinsegg]

Didn't read all the posts but for the ones I did
Before posting, please take a deep breath, and exhale while counting to 10

The OP asked a question on how you handle this in your home.
There is no right or wrong answer.
If your method works for you and your family great .
What works for you doesn't always work for someone else.
No method makes you a better or worse parent for doing what you do.

One of the best statements here!