Serious Dating question

[focusondisney]

I never tell anything about AN ex, like a specific one. As I said, the reason my spidey senses went off was because - the way I was framing things shouldn't have given rise to much of anything...and now that he's heard one all the way through, I think/hope he'll be chill. I just don't deal in insecurities, jealousies, and other such nonsense, just had/have to make sure that this isn't that... it may still be, but I feel about a zillion times better than I did. I think he understands that just because I say "OMG, this one time x and I got left at the ruins by our tour group" does not mean I'm about to tell him anything about whatever ex was involved in that particular craziness, just that it was a nutty story. The guy figures in, but its NOT an ex story. As I said to begin with, over the course of 7-8 dates, he's only had to cut me off twice, that's the only time, until tonight, I'd mentioned an ex at all. I think I'm being appropriate?

So you bring up an ex on 3 out of 8 or 9 dates? That's 1/3rd of the dates you've been on with this guy. Yea, you are bringing up the ex too much. Move on from your ex already.

 

[amberpi]

Ok I'm confused about some things (one I accidentally deleted in the quote).
The above statements. The first part makes me think you are just telling a story no names or titles (my ex) involved. The second part states you do say that. ???? You say you don't know jealousy/insecurity. I don't think that is what it is with cutting you off not wanting to hear about it. Some people just Don't want exes mentioned at all. "It's over and done, you're with me, why talk about them" thing.

Ok, sorry I wasn't clear, I don't talk about specifics of an ex, by that I mean I don't say "this guy did that, this other guy likes so and what." He has no idea why I got divorced, when, or that I was even married twice, because he didn't ask and I wasn't going to bring it up (and I have NO issue with it, but if a guy wants to know, he'll ask and we'll address it and move on) and I haven't asked about his divorce.

I will however, laugh about "this one time blah, blah and I were at the beach and I got stung by a jellyfish and I thought he was going to have to pee on my leg and then a lifeguard came and he just put some goo on it." I'm meaning normal, just talking stuff. The first 2 times I would have told that completely innocent story, he would have cut me off the minute I mentioned a guys name and ask who that was (to me, I'm just telling a flipping silly, throw away story about my life), and I'd be like "this guy I dated in 2008" and he'd shut the whole thing down and tell me not to mention my exes. That's what happened last night, and I said "please let me finish" and I think he knew I was annoyed by being cut off. He heard the rest of it, laughed and got it, and we moved on. I could totally say "a friend" in the future, but that would feel kinda forced to me. That's just a normal cadence of conversation - to me.

Maybe I'm the weird one. I'm honestly just trying to share my life experiences with the guy, and I think that's been my issue about it. I never want to belabor my past with a new prospect - gross. I do want to tell him about the time I was on a second date with a guy on Tinder when I realized that he was into dog fighting and just HOW got quickly I got out of there, because that's just weird and funny. That guy wasn't even an ex, he's a dude I went on a date and half with...but who the hell starts talking about dog fighting on a second date? That kind of stuff, I want to share.

Like I said, I think we're good on this issue, there's another issue though, I'm not sure I am/will be ok with, but that just came up last night after me wondering so all this awesome advice (and I will use it for the next date) will still be put to good use. I'll see if saying "I was at the beach and horrified about the idea of having to be peed on" seems natural. I'm not perfect and if that's better, while still feeling authentic, why the heck not?

 

[amberpi]

So you bring up an ex on 3 out of 8 or 9 dates? That's 1/3rd of the dates you've been on with this guy. Yea, you are bringing up the ex too much. Move on from your ex already.

It was 3 different exes, not hung up on AN ex, or any of them. But if that seems weird to include a person's name in a story, I'm going to try to see if changing the cadence of my story telling works better in the future.

 

[amberpi]

I had a friend who was dating a guy and when he was not around he was all she talked about. If you mentioned a movie, Tom wanted to see it. If you mentioned a restaurant, her and Tom ate there. If you mentioned it was hot, Tom hates the heat. If you said you liked a TV show, Tom liked it too etc. It was kind of annoying. Not saying OP is like that, but that was what popped into my mind.

I have that friend

Like I said, I'm willing to try to reframe how I say "I went to that W in NO with Z for this wedding and that wedding was nuts....blah, blah, blah long story about a wedding." To me, I wouldn't even register that's talking about an ex. Obviously some people feel differently, so I'm totally taking this advice and seeing if I can make it feel natural. But this wasn't talking about any particular ex, - holy crap - I just figured out why I do this - its to establish the timeline in my head, and it comes out of my mouth that way because of it. Anyhow, I'm going to think about my use of proper names more, if it feels wrong, I'll wait around for a guy who's cool with me casually using proper names.

 

[anniemae]

Like I said, I think we're good on this issue, there's another issue though, I'm not sure I am/will be ok with, but that just came up last night after me wondering so all this awesome advice (and I will use it for the next date) will still be put to good use. I'll see if saying "I was at the beach and horrified about the idea of having to be peed on" seems natural. I'm not perfect and if that's better, while still feeling authentic, why the heck not?

Okay, we need to know the new issue. LOL! We need to really analyze this!!! Let us know, we are here to help even though we may sound like a bunch of know-it-all's! LOL!!!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Amberpi. Don't take this the wrong way because I'm meaning it in the spirit of your thread which is to "get opinions".

But how good are you at listening? I mean, really listening?

It seems like there's a lot of chatter going on. When someone says to me, "Just let me finish", it usually means they sorta know they're "talking too much". That says to me that even though they know I'm not really interested in what they're saying, they're pushing through what they want to say anyway. That's not really a type of conversation I enjoy, tbh.

Sometimes it's good to just sit, relax, sip a drink and say, "So how was your day?"... and then put on your listening ears. (Lol) See where the conversation goes. You don't even always have to have "answers or advice". Just listening is enough. The person you are with then feels like they were heard and cared about. At some point in the conversation, they ask you the same question. Then it's your turn and you get the same courtesies, etc.

I think there's been a lot of good advice on this thread. Everyone here has experience and wisdom; has btdt. So more food for thought. 1) Maybe you're mentioning exes too much and 2) Are you a good listener?

 

[amberpi]

Okay, we need to know the new issue. LOL! We need to really analyze this!!! Let us know, we are here to help even though we may sound like a bunch of know-it-all's! LOL!!!

This one will probably have me roasted alive, but its something that really bothered me. A lot. I just got off the phone with a friend and he was like "you're done, he's disrespectful, goodbye" but I'll hear out the Disers on this too. So, this guy has done this several times before and it really annoyed me, well, at first, I was just kinda "that's weird" but the last time he did it, I said "that was kinda mean and a waste of 10 minutes" - just kept the conversation going and no big deal. He did it last night and I was like "seriously, why do you do that?" he told me that was something his family did and he thought it was funny and I said it absolutely wasn't funny, it was juvenile and please just...don't. Ok, we move on, about an hour later, we said he thought my friend I was telling him about would think its funny. I said, that would really embarrass me if you did that and he again said ok but suggested I didn't have a sense of humor. I kinda think I'm out, but I'm giving it some thought.

I guess I should add what he was doing that was making so annoyed - he would tell these long, nutty, but funny stories about things that aren't true, until I'd have to say "that's impossible" or something to prove his stupid lie. It wasn't funny. I don't want to have to fact check some dude I'm dating or figure out what is and isn't true and them for him to say "he had me." F! that. Not my kind of guy. Now ya'll can say how that sounds funny, for me, its just super uncomfortable.

 

[amberpi]

Amberpi. Don't take this the wrong way because I'm meaning it in the spirit of your thread which is to "get opinions".

But how good are you at listening? I mean, really listening?

It seems like there's a lot of chatter going on. When someone says to me, "Just let me finish", it usually means they sorta know they're "talking too much". That says to me that even though they know I'm not really interested in what they're saying, they're pushing through what they want to say anyway. That's not really a type of conversation I enjoy, tbh.

Sometimes it's good to just sit, relax, sip a drink and say, "So how was your day?"... and then put on your listening ears. (Lol) See where the conversation goes. You don't even always have to have "answers or advice". Just listening is enough. The person you are with then feels like they were heard and cared about. At some point in the conversation, they ask you the same question. Then it's your turn and you get the same courtesies, etc.

I think there's been a lot of good advice on this thread. Everyone here has experience and wisdom; has btdt. So more food for thought. 1) Maybe you're mentioning exes too much and 2) Are you a good listener?

I'm definitely not taking it the wrong way at all I don't know if I'm the best listener in the world, for sure. For my friends, I'm really good at it, romantically? Who knows, I'm obviously single for a reason...lol. I know I'm not perfect, that's why I ask for real advice from internet strangers who won't try to not hurt my feelings. I will say, with this guy, I'm kinda having to fight to get to talk. Until last night, I had never even told him about my 2 closest friends, who mean a huge great deal to me and are part of my everyday life, and really, that's pretty telling, among a number of other things that make me think - this isn't my guy, and that's cool. Its dating, I've got apps

The great thing about this thread is that I'm going to put the advice here to use immediately and try not to use proper names when I'm telling a story. I see it as harmless, but I don't think it'd feel that weird to leave it out, now that I think about why I do it. I wouldn't have realized that if I didn't put myself out there to solicit the advice. I'm not the smartest person on the planet, but I'm smart enough to listen to advice at least and to recognize, I'm far from perfect.

 

[amberpi]

Many people don't care to talk about exes with eachother in relationships. I don't think that should be the only thing that turns you off from this guy unless you absolutely can't stop telling stories without your exes in them! Hopefully there are plenty of other things to talk about. If not, and you're both bothered with the +/- conversation, then move on. My guess would be he's a little old-fashioned.

Last night I intentionally told an ex story to resolve the issue because it was bothering me. But that actually went well. If I go out with him again, I'll have to deal with the possiblity of this whole "funny made up story" crap and I'm just really not sure I want to do that. It shouldn't be anxiety inducing when simply dating a guy, usually at this point, if I still like the guy, its just fun and surfacey...

 

[quandrea]

I have that friend

Like I said, I'm willing to try to reframe how I say "I went to that W in NO with Z for this wedding and that wedding was nuts....blah, blah, blah long story about a wedding." To me, I wouldn't even register that's talking about an ex. Obviously some people feel differently, so I'm totally taking this advice and seeing if I can make it feel natural. But this wasn't talking about any particular ex, - holy crap - I just figured out why I do this - its to establish the timeline in my head, and it comes out of my mouth that way because of it. Anyhow, I'm going to think about my use of proper names more, if it feels wrong, I'll wait around for a guy who's cool with me casually using proper names.

I would not use proper names. The person hearing your story has no point of reference and can't connect to the characters in your story. You are the only character that matters in these stories. Just stick to my friend.

 

[DaisyJ]

Amberpi. Don't take this the wrong way because I'm meaning it in the spirit of your thread which is to "get opinions".

But how good are you at listening? I mean, really listening?

It seems like there's a lot of chatter going on. When someone says to me, "Just let me finish", it usually means they sorta know they're "talking too much". That says to me that even though they know I'm not really interested in what they're saying, they're pushing through what they want to say anyway. That's not really a type of conversation I enjoy, tbh.

Sometimes it's good to just sit, relax, sip a drink and say, "So how was your day?"... and then put on your listening ears. (Lol) See where the conversation goes. You don't even always have to have "answers or advice". Just listening is enough. The person you are with then feels like they were heard and cared about. At some point in the conversation, they ask you the same question. Then it's your turn and you get the same courtesies, etc.

I think there's been a lot of good advice on this thread. Everyone here has experience and wisdom; has btdt. So more food for thought. 1) Maybe you're mentioning exes too much and 2) Are you a good listener?

Yes, so much this. OP, it is obvious from your postings here you chatter incessantly. Stop talking about your exes and yourself and listen to what the other person has to say. Really listen, not just framing in your head what you're going to say next.

In almost 22 years, I've mentioned an ex three or four times to DH and one was only because we were in a wedding together and I had to introduce them.

 

[Hikergirl]

I agree with the pp's who said to just tell the story about what you did, where you went, etc. Leave any mention of an ex out of it. I'm sure this guy realizes you had relationships before, but if you keep bringing up all these great things you did with an ex, its just going to put pressure on him.

 

[PollyannaMom]

This one will probably have me roasted alive, but its something that really bothered me. A lot. I just got off the phone with a friend and he was like "you're done, he's disrespectful, goodbye" but I'll hear out the Disers on this too. So, this guy has done this several times before and it really annoyed me, well, at first, I was just kinda "that's weird" but the last time he did it, I said "that was kinda mean and a waste of 10 minutes" - just kept the conversation going and no big deal. He did it last night and I was like "seriously, why do you do that?" he told me that was something his family did and he thought it was funny and I said it absolutely wasn't funny, it was juvenile and please just...don't. Ok, we move on, about an hour later, we said he thought my friend I was telling him about would think its funny. I said, that would really embarrass me if you did that and he again said ok but suggested I didn't have a sense of humor. I kinda think I'm out, but I'm giving it some thought.

I guess I should add what he was doing that was making so annoyed - he would tell these long, nutty, but funny stories about things that aren't true, until I'd have to say "that's impossible" or something to prove his stupid lie. It wasn't funny. I don't want to have to fact check some dude I'm dating or figure out what is and isn't true and them for him to say "he had me." F! that. Not my kind of guy. Now ya'll can say how that sounds funny, for me, its just super uncomfortable.

While it might be a fun game to some, it isn't to you, and it sounds like it will only get worse when you get to the "meeting each other's friends and family" stage. Whether people share a similar sense of humor is a pretty big predictor of relationship success, so unless I was super attracted to this guy in other ways, I might just move on before it got serious.

 

[dish rag]

To me the whole thing is odd and childish especially given the age group that I'm guessing.

 

[amberpi]

To me the whole thing is odd and childish especially given the age group that I'm guessing.

Like I should shut up and never mention an ex by name? That's what I'm going to try to do moving forward, just change my language. Even if this isn't my guy, it could be annoying in general and that's what I needed to know. Or that I'm even looking for advice? I'm pretty terrible at dating, I should probably have figured that out by now? #shrug

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm amazed at the number of people who pretend they had no life prior to meeting their current partner.

The things you've done and the people you've encountered make you who you are. I wouldn't have much time for a person whose self esteem is such that conversation which includes (and is not focused on continually) an ex causes them such consternation.

 

[justussix]

I guess I should add what he was doing that was making so annoyed - he would tell these long, nutty, but funny stories about things that aren't true, until I'd have to say "that's impossible" or something to prove his stupid lie. It wasn't funny. I don't want to have to fact check some dude I'm dating or figure out what is and isn't true and them for him to say "he had me." F! that. Not my kind of guy. Now ya'll can say how that sounds funny, for me, its just super uncomfortable.

The made up story thing is a fun game, but there has to be some context. I do this with my kids when they pepper me with random questions about various things. I'll start making stuff up. We all have a good laugh when they catch on. Or it's just, "Dad humor" and they deal with it. I even did it here when somebody posted a picture of a table with a hole in it and asked what it might have been used for. For the most part, people saw the humor in that post.

Could also be a passive aggressive thing. Maybe he feels like you're "winning" the story competition as you get to know each other so he starts goofing and making one up. Could be a long road to hint that he thinks you might be embellishing some of your experiences. I suppose that thought doesn't help.

 

[DaisyJ]

I'm amazed at the number of people who pretend they had no life prior to meeting their current partner.

The things you've done and the people you've encountered make you who you are. I wouldn't have much time for a person whose self esteem is such that conversation which includes (and is not focused on continually) an ex causes them

My DH knows I (obviously) had a life prior to meeting him. But there is no need to dwell on exes or constantly talk about them. My DH was never in competition with an ex, so why would I feel the need to talk about them?

 

[declansdad]

It's happened twice and you are sensing red flags??? Maybe you are looking for red flags.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm amazed at the number of people who pretend they had no life prior to meeting their current partner.

The things you've done and the people you've encountered make you who you are. I wouldn't have much time for a person whose self esteem is such that conversation which includes (and is not focused on continually) an ex causes them

Or maybe in a new relationship the person wants to learn about amberpi, not amberpi's exes. I admit that if I was just starting out getting to know someone, I would rather not listen to all their stories about things they did with their ex. Leaving their names out of the story doesn't change anything about who amberpi is.
There is already alot of pressure on people dating, talking about all the stuff you did with this ex and that ex just adds to it IMO.