Serious Dating question

[amberpi]

The made up story thing is a fun game, but there has to be some context. I do this with my kids when they pepper me with random questions about various things. I'll start making stuff up. We all have a good laugh when they catch on. Or it's just, "Dad humor" and they deal with it. I even did it here when somebody posted a picture of a table with a hole in it and asked what it might have been used for. For the most part, people saw the humor in that post.

Could also be a passive aggressive thing. Maybe he feels like you're "winning" the story competition as you get to know each other so he starts goofing and making one up. Could be a long road to hint that he thinks you might be embellishing some of your experiences. I suppose that thought doesn't help.

It isn't just stories, we were talking about which hotel in Hyde Park is where, or more pricey or has X restaurant in it, to the point that I have to look up something I KNOW. Then he'll say "he's just messing with me" or "he had me." Its weird-to me. I suck at dating. I don't know if anyone is good at it. I'm actually pretty down about dating now

I think this is the crux of it - this is just a guy I'm dating and I shouldn't be bothered by anything he does or have anything to analyze at this point with internet strangers. I shouldn't go into dates considering what I'm going to do when this or that shows up. I just want to be able to share, talk about my awesome friends and see if I like someone without having to second guess. I think that's my answer. Thanks for letting my type it out Disboards!

Still going to modify my language, because I want to be able to share random stuff in my past, but I don't want to give the impression that any of these former whatevers are on my mind as that's never been what's it about.

 

[amberpi]

It's happened twice and you are sensing red flags??? Maybe you are looking for red flags.

This is absolutely true. I had just never been shut up mind conversation before. Like create an awkard pause shut down. It could very well be true that I look for red flags though that aren't there.

 

[amberpi]

Pretty sure I'm just doomed and should move in my best friend and be hetero sexual life partners. Some days when you're dating, it's just like "what's so wrong with me that I keep dating these weirdos and why can't find a great guy, or how many great guys have I thrown away" - ugh. All of you who aren't dating, be glad. Its rough and no one is good at it, and its constant rejection or rejecting, and generally shaking your head. #pityparty

 

[justussix]

It isn't just stories, we were talking about which hotel in Hyde Park is where, or more pricey or has X restaurant in it, to the point that I have to look up something I KNOW. Then he'll say "he's just messing with me" or "he had me." Its weird-to me....

I'll go with my second view then. Passive aggressive. Probably doesn't care about hotels in Hyde Park or what restaurant is in which one, so he starts having fun at your expense.

 

[justussix]

Pretty sure I'm just doomed and should move in my best friend and be hetero sexual life partners. Some days when you're dating, it's just like "what's so wrong with me that I keep dating these weirdos and why can't find a great guy, or how many great guys have I thrown away" - ugh. All of you who aren't dating, be glad. Its rough and no one is good at it, and its constant rejection or rejecting, and generally shaking your head. #pityparty

You have to lower your expectations. My wife did, and it's worked out great for me.

 

[quandrea]

I was telling a single friend of mine yesterday, who was having dating drama, "When it's right, it's simple." I met my dh seventeen years ago. I had dated literally dozens and dozens of men. I had lost count. People said I was too picky, give guys a chance, don't give up too soon, you won't find everything you're looking for. Blah, blah, blah.

I met dh on a Friday night and knew on the drive home that he was probably the one. Going forward, there was no drama, no games, no wondering. Just simple. We dated, decided to marry, got married. Living happily ever after. Doesn't mean it's perfect, but working it out is always easy because it's still simple. No games, no drama.

If this doesn't feel simple, move on to the next one. Don't waste time and accumulate baggage in the process.

But most of all--keep trying. If you want a life partner, it takes work and commitment. Just move through the people who aren't right so that you get that much closer to the right one.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think dating is sort of confusing today, from what I've seen with my own kids and their friends, and younger coworkers, etc. Apps are great and all, but there's more meaning there than what's on the surface, at least for some, and you have to wonder what someone's really there for. Are they there for a date to get to know you and/or for a relationship, or are they there because they want to hook up? It's no wonder there's a lot of different people coming and going, and why should they stick around if there's something they don't like when it's fairly easy to find someone else, ie move on to the next person? If someone's just there to hook up, they probably don't want to spend a lot of time chatting or getting to know you, whereas if someone's looking for a relationship, they presumably want to get to know you. The issue seems to be that there's a lot of in-between. People may want to date but it's really easy to keep looking (electronically) while they're seeing you. Not sure how this affects you, amberpi, but I guess it's something to also think about. How did you meet this guy you're talking about? Did he say what he's looking for?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I was telling a single friend of m Be yesterday, who was having dating drama, "When it's right, it's simple." I met my dh seventeen years ago. I had dated literally dozens and dozens of men. I had lost count. People said I was too picky, give guys a chance, don't give up too soon, you won't find everything you're looking for. Blah, blah, blah.

I met dh on a Friday night and knew on the drive home that he was probably the one. Going forward, there was no drama, no games, no wondering. Just simple. We dated, decided to marry, got married. Living happily ever after. Doesn't mean it's perfect, but working it out is always easy because it's still simple. No games, no drama.

If this doesn't feel simple, move on to the next one. Don't waste time and accumulate baggage in the process.

But most of all--keep trying. If you want a life partner, it takes work and commitment. Just move through the people who aren't right so that you get that much closer to the right one.

I agree a lot with this. I just think that things are a lot different today in how young people "date".

 

[quandrea]

I agree a lot with this. I just think that things are a lot different today in how young people "date".

You're probably right. What do you think is different?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

You're probably right. What do you think is different?

Just what I said in the post above yours.

If you want to read a really interesting article about it, google the Vanity Fair article about Tinder called this:

"Tinder and the Dawn of the “Dating Apocalypse”
As romance gets swiped from the screen, some twentysomethings aren’t liking what they see."

I'm not going to post the link as some of the language isn't family friendly.

 

[quandrea]

Just what I said in the post above yours.

If you want to read a really interesting article about it, google the Vanity Fair article about Tinder called this:

"Tinder and the Dawn of the “Dating Apocalypse”
As romance gets swiped from the screen, some twentysomethings aren’t liking what they see."

I'm not going to post the link as some of the language isn't family friendly.

Sorry about asking. I think you must have been typing when I submitted my question.

 

[rwdavis2]

From a guy's standpoint, his behavior sounds somewhat controlling. That is never a good sign. Cutting someone off in conversation is never a good sign either. I won't scream "Run Away!" just yet, but it sounds like some conversations need to take place.

^^^^^ This. I'll say, Run away if the guy's that fragile. We all have a past in one way or another and people need to learn to accept it. I don't care if my wife talks about her ex-fiance, ever. They mostly stories how weird his family was. (We've been married 28 years).

 

[amberpi]

I think dating is sort of confusing today, from what I've seen with my own kids and their friends, and younger coworkers, etc. Apps are great and all, but there's more meaning there than what's on the surface, at least for some, and you have to wonder what someone's really there for. Are they there for a date to get to know you and/or for a relationship, or are they there because they want to hook up? It's no wonder there's a lot of different people coming and going, and why should they stick around if there's something they don't like when it's fairly easy to find someone else, ie move on to the next person? If someone's just there to hook up, they probably don't want to spend a lot of time chatting or getting to know you, whereas if someone's looking for a relationship, they presumably want to get to know you. The issue seems to be that there's a lot of in-between. People may want to date but it's really easy to keep looking (electronically) while they're seeing you. Not sure how this affects you, amberpi, but I guess it's something to also think about. How did you meet this guy you're talking about? Did he say what he's looking for?

He's gone out with me way beyond the point of looking for a hookup - which is a huge point in his favor, and he hasn't pushed that issue too much either. I've got really good radar on that 1 thing at least. But, you're right, it is confusing. Everyone is dating multiple people at a time, that's just how it is, so it becomes really complicated, really fast. Especially because often you don't want to commit to just dating one person, and it takes longer to decide to date and go to that next level - for me at least. We can always swipe right and find another date. Its awful really, but it is what it is.

I only date online/via apps. I lost 2 friendships (obviously not close ones) because I stopped dating the guys the friends set me up with. They were terrible, terrible *** where you thinking matches too. I swear to god, one of those was a "who would Amber NOT want to date" guy. So, I think that's the only way I've got unless I meet someone in the neighborhood - and he's probably on Tinder/Bumble anyway

 

[aprilgail]

Would love to get some different opinions...

I've been seeing this guy and he seems fantastic, like the most interesting candidate I've had since my divorce minus one. However, there is one thing he does, and its a red flag for me. My friends think it's a bit odd too, so yet again, I come to the Disboards for ya'll's ultimate guidance.

He's twice now cut me off from telling a story that involved an ex, saying he never wants to hear about my exes. Ok, i get that. I'm not a ogre, I understand that you don't discuss indelicate things about your exes. I do think that the general axiom of "if it happened in public, or could have, its fine" is a good way to behave. Other people have been in my life. One I was setting up to be the time an ex and I discovered the Irish version of deliverance, the other involved sea lions in San Diego. We're NOT talking about "omg, my ex used to do that and it was so annoying/wonderful" or whatever. We're talking about funny/noteworthy bits of life, that happened to have an ex in it.

I'm open to any thoughts. An ex boyfriend remains a good friend and he assured me, firmly, that I don't do the ex thing. IDK, its just got my spidey senses tingling all over.

That would be a major issue for me since I am friends with most of my ex's! Even friends with my ex's new spouse/ girlfirends in some cases!

 

[amberpi]

I was telling a single friend of mine yesterday, who was having dating drama, "When it's right, it's simple." I met my dh seventeen years ago. I had dated literally dozens and dozens of men. I had lost count. People said I was too picky, give guys a chance, don't give up too soon, you won't find everything you're looking for. Blah, blah, blah.

I met dh on a Friday night and knew on the drive home that he was probably the one. Going forward, there was no drama, no games, no wondering. Just simple. We dated, decided to marry, got married. Living happily ever after. Doesn't mean it's perfect, but working it out is always easy because it's still simple. No games, no drama.

If this doesn't feel simple, move on to the next one. Don't waste time and accumulate baggage in the process.

But most of all--keep trying. If you want a life partner, it takes work and commitment. Just move through the people who aren't right so that you get that much closer to the right one.

That kind of thing is what I dream about. I mean, why can't I just run into my prince at my local coffee shop and just know he's my guy?

 

[quandrea]

Read the Apocalypse of dating article. Really sad. All these people are hooking up with dozens, sometimes hundreds of people, but there is no relationship, no connection. The result is they have no confidence, self esteem, can't even perform sexually. The whole thing seems turned upside down.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I only date online/via apps. I lost 2 friendships (obviously not close ones) because I stopped dating the guys the friends set me up with. They were terrible, terrible *** where you thinking matches too. I swear to god, one of those was a "who would Amber NOT want to date" guy. So, I think that's the only way I've got unless I meet someone in the neighborhood - and he's probably on Tinder/Bumble anyway

That kind of thing is what I dream about. I mean, why can't I just run into my prince at my local coffee shop and just know he's my guy?

Ok, serious question. Have you ever considered just taking a break from it? Seeing what happens without it?

 

[amberpi]

BTW, its so brutal in the dating world, you really kinda need to make sure people are, in fact, single before going out with them. If they have weird texting habits when most people would be available or they tell you when they can text - they're married. I actually went out with a guy twice and stopped because I got the distinct feeling he was still married.

 

[bellebud]

This one will probably have me roasted alive, but its something that really bothered me. A lot. I just got off the phone with a friend and he was like "you're done, he's disrespectful, goodbye" but I'll hear out the Disers on this too. So, this guy has done this several times before and it really annoyed me, well, at first, I was just kinda "that's weird" but the last time he did it, I said "that was kinda mean and a waste of 10 minutes" - just kept the conversation going and no big deal. He did it last night and I was like "seriously, why do you do that?" he told me that was something his family did and he thought it was funny and I said it absolutely wasn't funny, it was juvenile and please just...don't. Ok, we move on, about an hour later, we said he thought my friend I was telling him about would think its funny. I said, that would really embarrass me if you did that and he again said ok but suggested I didn't have a sense of humor. I kinda think I'm out, but I'm giving it some thought.

I guess I should add what he was doing that was making so annoyed - he would tell these long, nutty, but funny stories about things that aren't true, until I'd have to say "that's impossible" or something to prove his stupid lie. It wasn't funny. I don't want to have to fact check some dude I'm dating or figure out what is and isn't true and them for him to say "he had me." F! that. Not my kind of guy. Now ya'll can say how that sounds funny, for me, its just super uncomfortable.

That's a sense of humor that some find funny and other's don't. I personally don't. I know/knew people like this, and I just cannot connect. To me, it's almost making fun of the person you're telling the story/lie to, like 'How stupid are you?' Not my style and even though it's a little thing, really it's a big thing. A person's sense of humor is a huge part of their personality.

 

[amberpi]

Ok, serious question. Have you ever considered just taking a break from it? Seeing what happens without it?

Yep, I've taken long breaks (months at a time) off from it. Spring/summer is my favorite dating time. Around the winter holidays and after is my least.