Serious Dating question

[low-key]

Many men (including myself) get it but still dont like to think of the men that your women gave themselves to before you. But let me defer to the great Orator Prince ( I guess I should've closed my eyes
When you drove me to the place where your horses run free
'Cause I felt a little ill when I saw all the pictures
Of the jockeys that were there before me)

 

[quandrea]

Many people don't care to talk about exes with eachother in relationships. I don't think that should be the only thing that turns you off from this guy unless you absolutely can't stop telling stories without your exes in them! Hopefully there are plenty of other things to talk about. If not, and you're both bothered with the +/- conversation, then move on. My guess would be he's a little old-fashioned.

This. My dh and I have literally never talked about exes in 17 years. It's never been laid out as a relationship "rule," but my feeling is that we choose to live in the now. I'm not sure it's weird of him. I can see where he's coming from. Now, the ordering you not to say something, kind of puts me off. It makes me petulant. Like, "You're not the boss of me." Was he abrasive about it? Was it controlling? Only you can answer that.

So, maybe not much help. I think it's best not to talk about exes, so in that, I agree with him. It's how he executed the order/request that is crucial here.

I don't think past relationships have to figure into present ones. Maybe if I'd been relaying these stories, I might have referred to the ex as a "friend."

 

[fly girl]

It bothered you enough to get that gut feeling, you're likely onto something. Don't overlook it, like you said it's usually accurate.

I'd ask him why he feels it necessary to cut you off immediately upon merely mentioning a life story that includes an ex, and how you find it rather harsh. You may find he has legitimate feelings about it, and you two can work out an understanding.

Worth bringing up if you really like him. Keep us posted! Good luck.

 

[anniemae]

I would ask him why he feels that you should not talk of ex's. Personally it would not be a deal breaker for me. Maybe something else is setting off your spidey sense? Or maybe you are talking too much of your ex's and don't realize it?

 

[gemini2727]

I agree that it depends how he cut you off.
I understand not wanting to hear about an ex, and if he was interrupting (not in a nasty way) to let you know, it wouldn't bother me much, and I would just keep ex stories to myself, not a big deal.
But if he seemed over the top, demanding you stop speaking, that wouldn't fly with me. Not a matter of content at that point, but of a lack of respect.

 

[dish rag]

.

 

[amberpi]

Just got home from a long date starting this afternoon.

My stories were that - including an ex, but, honestly, that ex could have been ANYONE around. Tonight, we kinda got to that point and I said "let me finish" so I did. He seemed much cooler when he realized the story wasn't about an ex per se, it was a story. I don't talk about my exes outside of the rules I suggested above - "if it happened in public, or could have." So, when he heard the whole thing, and my ex, could have been any of them or a friend, was not the crux of it, he was cool. So, that spidey sense is satisfied, but it took getting to a place I could say "hey, just listen."

 

[amberpi]

It still would have been better if I could have told my story organically...but people aren't perfect, and LORD knows, I'm not.

"Gotta spend some time love, gotta spend some time with me..."

 

[Disney_traveler]

I have to echo what a previous poster said. Does it have to include the info about the ex? Do you lead into it with his name or anything? It could be sending up flags/signals to the other person. Can "my ex and I once found the Irish version of deliverance. It was horrible" become "I once stumbled upon the Irish version of deliverance. It was horrible" ? If it's asked for more details by the other person can you just say "oh a friend" or something? Maybe try breaking yourself of the habit.
I'd bet that you have a LOT of
Memories with the ex and it's just natural to want to share those but the fact that the story includes direct references to an ex might rub ppl the wrong way.

 

[amberpi]

I never tell anything about AN ex, like a specific one. As I said, the reason my spidey senses went off was because - the way I was framing things shouldn't have given rise to much of anything...and now that he's heard one all the way through, I think/hope he'll be chill. I just don't deal in insecurities, jealousies, and other such nonsense, just had/have to make sure that this isn't that... it may still be, but I feel about a zillion times better than I did. I think he understands that just because I say "OMG, this one time x and I got left at the ruins by our tour group" does not mean I'm about to tell him anything about whatever ex was involved in that particular craziness, just that it was a nutty story. The guy figures in, but its NOT an ex story. As I said to begin with, over the course of 7-8 dates, he's only had to cut me off twice, that's the only time, until tonight, I'd mentioned an ex at all. I think I'm being appropriate?

 

[amberpi]

While I agree that nobody is perfect, and I'm willing to overlook some flaws in people, the fact that he just shuts it down instead of offering a rational explanation would make me a little queasy. Do you have any mutual friends who might know why he acts like that?

No. I ordered this guy on the internet...unlike Neiman Marcus or Zappos, those apps have a crappy return policy. Actually I've gotten "perfect for me" and that worked out terribly, so this guy is totally out of my norm.

 

[Pacolovestacos]

I never discuss ex's. I so so hate the question, "why did you break up with your ex." It grates at me like nails on a chalkboard. I realize the OP wasn't doing that but just thought I would share.

 

[amberpi]

I never discuss ex's. I so so hate the question, "why did you break up with your ex." It grates at me like nails on a chalkboard. I realize the OP wasn't doing that but just thought I would share.

I'm not a fan of that kind of dissection either. Who cares? I'm not with that person now! This was different and I *think* we're on the same page now.

 

[Snap Crackle Pop]

Maybe it's just that you talk about your exes too much and aren't aware of how often you speak of them.

 

[Kogo Shuko]

I would not consider this a red flag, as perhaps the discussion of exes might worry him (maybe I'll just be the next ex).

Generally, if I have a story involving an ex that I want to tell my significant other, I usually just say "a friend" and don't mention names. I don't need to remind him I've had previous (fun) relationships, nor do I need to remind myself. lol

 

[Snowflakey]

To be honest I don't think ex's should be brought up in any conversations. Like someone said an ex is the past. Even if what you were saying is harmless. You could of said "oh I've been there before" instead of "me and ex went there" I have no want to know about an ex. With that said I've met a few people who cut people off when they speak. It's so annoying but I've found most of the time it is just a flaw of the person. You did the right thing by saying let me finish what I'm saying. Best of luck for you two!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I ran a gal off talking too much about exes. I later realized many of those funny stories could have been told without naming names.

A funny thing happened when my ex &
I went to the beach vs

A funny thing happened when I went to the beach.

 

[Disney_traveler]

I never tell anything about AN ex, like a specific one.

just because I say "OMG, this one time x and I got left at the ruins by our tour group"

Ok I'm confused about some things (one I accidentally deleted in the quote).
The above statements. The first part makes me think you are just telling a story no names or titles (my ex) involved. The second part states you do say that. ???? You say you don't know jealousy/insecurity. I don't think that is what it is with cutting you off not wanting to hear about it. Some people just Don't want exes mentioned at all. "It's over and done, you're with me, why talk about them" thing.

 

[anniemae]

Maybe it's just that you talk about your exes too much and aren't aware of how often you speak of them.

This is what I was thinking. OP said she never talks about "things you shouldn't mention" or talk too deep regarding her ex's. Thats fine, but it seems like OP feels it's fine to chat casually about your ex's. Like, "Oh this movie sequel is great my ex and I saw the first one and it was really good!"

I think this could potentially be annoying to the man she is dating and maybe she does not realize it. Just because you mention an ex briefly and not reveal too much detailed info, it still could annoy him. Not sure though, that was just a thought. It seems like OP has it all worked out though!

I had a friend who was dating a guy and when he was not around he was all she talked about. If you mentioned a movie, Tom wanted to see it. If you mentioned a restaurant, her and Tom ate there. If you mentioned it was hot, Tom hates the heat. If you said you liked a TV show, Tom liked it too etc. It was kind of annoying. Not saying OP is like that, but that was what popped into my mind.

 

[princesspiglet]

I did this with DH when we fist started dating. Prior to him, I had a serious boyfriend for 5 years from 15-20 years old, so a lot of my teenage years were spent doing things with him. After about the 10th time of me saying, "Oh yea, my ex and I went there when I was 16", DH had enough and told me he didn't want to hear anything anymore about what my ex and I had done!! He was not happy. I realized that I needed to just eliminate my ex from the story and if telling him something from my past, I needed to just say "a friend". So even now, 20 years later...if I am retelling a story from that time period, I just say, "a friend and I went to that park one time...."

We've been together for 22 years now...and in no way is he controlling or jealous. He just believes that the past is the past and we shouldn't dwell on it. When he remembers something that happened to him with an ex-girlfriend he never mentions the names either, he says the same thing "a friend"