Dating for a meal

[Floridaman999]

Ok, I may have missed this in the previous comments

But this thread should have an ad asking...


What would you doooooo

for a Klondike Bar?

 

[disneychrista]

View attachment 412949

Funny this was the first thought that came into my head at that post as well.

 

[Disney Doll]

It’s been a long time since I’ve dated but this thread makes me think that if God forbid something happens to DH, I’ll stay single and travel.

My general feelings: whomever invited the other person on a date should have the expectation that they are paying. That being said, I always offered to pay my share on dates, and sincerely meant it. And if I invited a guy somewhere I was prepared to pay.


I was always prepared to pay my own way because even back in the 80s (which is the last decade I dated in) there were guys who thought that if they paid for you then you owed them sex. Seeing as how I’m not a hooker, that concept didn’t really work for me.

No, I never dated anyone just to get a free meal. Thank God I was never that hungry. And if I went on a date with a guy when I knew there wouldn’t be a 2nd date, I always offered to pay my share so he wasn’t out too much $.

When I met DH, he paid for the first few dates because he was a traditional type of guy. But once we knew there was something there, it was more like “pooled” money. Even though we weren’t married, we both kind of knew we were going to be and so felt like we were spending “our” money regardless of who technically paid.

 

[amberpi]

Men need to be taught as boys to never expect physical contact from anyone.

The 3 year old knows more about consent than some grown men. We had to teach him about consent after he was kissing friends at school. He's going to be a lover. Lord help me.

 

[ronandannette]

The 3 year old knows more about consent than some grown men. We had to teach him about consent after he was kissing friends at school. He's going to be a lover. Lord help me.

Just to put your mind at ease, this isn't really the early signs of an over-aggressive male. Tons of little girls do this too at that age.

 

[RangerPooh]

I joke that a co-worker of mine dates just for the free meals and coffee, lol.

Honestly though, almost 20 years ago when I was still dating I might have. If the guy turned out to be a dud, well at least I got a meal out of the date. My girls friends thought the same way.

 

[cinnaminny]

I dated a lot in my twenties. I was tired of always being in a relationship after a divorce and a long time boyfriend, so I decided to play the field a bit. Often times I offered to pay for myself unless they insisted up front.

I dated enough to realize that broke people, regardless of sex will sometimes date to see what they can get out of people. There are men who will try to see what they can get out of women also.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

In terms of money, one can find out a lot about a guy by being the one paying, too. (Well, maybe not the first time, but soon afterward.) I used to counsel abused women. And there is a general saying that turns out to be true:

S/He who controls the wallet, controls the relationship.​

I can't tell you how many stories I've heard where domineering/controlling/abusive men show up at the beginning of a relationship, all sweet and acting chivalrous. They pay for everything. They seem so thoughtful by making all the plans. They pre-order the meals for the woman. Even if she doesn't like boiled chicken and has told him, she still thinks it's romantic & thoughtful that he ordered for her. He seems so protective, when he asks where she is going? How is she getting there? How late will she be? As they get into a longterm relationship, he then doesn't want her to work, or work anymore. He'll take care of her. She thinks all this is so romantic. . .

Until the real him starts to come out, as these men usually can't keep up the charade for long. Him paying for her, his making her get rid of her job, her friends, is a controlling maneuver to make sure she is financially & emotionally dependent on him and isolated. What seemed like him being so protective and thoughtful before is actually him being controlling of what she does, where she goes, who she does it with, when does she come home, down to what she eats, when he orders for her.

Many women who end up at battered women's shelters often arrive with only the clothes on their back. They didn't have the money to get out to be on their own. Many women stay in battered relationships because they have no money to take their kids & leave. So many women go BACK to the guy, because they want the man who showed up in the beginning, the false personae who was so thoughtful & romantic. That guy is the man they love. Not the one who showed up later. The one who was so thoughtful, who took care of them. Oh, he was definitely thoughtful. He thought about how he'd be in control later. And he didn't take care, he took over.

These types of men show up at first dates also sizing women up. They want someone who ultimately is submissive. Who will acquiesce over and over and over again and again. They don't want someone who says, "You bought the last round, I'm buying this one. I got this one, this time." They don't want a strong woman who is asserting equality or boundaries. And doesn't give in when he pushes. "I know you said the boiled chicken is a delicacy here. But, I have food allergies and I really prefer to order for myself, thank you." They are off to look for the submissive one.

GOOD RIDDANCE TO THEM!

Ugh. Your account of the cycle of grooming and abuse is way too accurate! You bring up a good point--women probably shouldn't allow themselves to be so submissive, it sets a bad precedent. I don't remember much about our early dates but given how my ex acted later in our marriage, I'm sure he used to pay for and control everything. There were all kinds of red flags that I ignored. I do remember how he changed once we were married and then when I was pregnant, he knew he had me trapped at that point and could show his true colors. My ex-husband was big on control; everything--house, cars, bank accounts--was in his name. And he would threaten me that if I ever left him I would have nothing. And I was more scared of being a poor single mother than I was of his abuse, until the night he lost his temper and hurt our son. So I finally found the courage to leave him, because my fears that he would hurt our kids had finally become real. And then I was a poor single mother just like he used to threaten, with nothing--no money, no car, no job, nowhere to live. The kids and I had to leave in secret with nothing but a couple backpacks worth of our belongings and the clothes on our backs. It took me 2 years to get on my feet, with a lot of support from my family, but now I have a good job, a decent car, a nice apartment, and small savings accounts for my kids(a luxury I only dreamed of, because my ex wouldn't allow me to start savings accounts for our kids), and I can hardly believe I am the same woman who allowed my ex-husband to walk all over me for all those years.

Even though I'm stronger now, more confident in myself, I'm still scared that I will revert back to my submissive nature. That's why I'm scared to date, I'm afraid history will repeat itself and I'll end up in an abusive relationship. But I've been feeling like I want to start dating again and when I do I'm going to take your advice--no more letting men pay! I just have to remember that I've proven I'm a strong, independent woman and I got this! Good riddance to the controlling men!

 

[disykat]

I agree that people have to watch for red flags in any relationship, but it makes me sad that people feel they have to be wary of someone treating for one meal, coffee, etc. In general I'm a big fan of sharing expenses and paying your own way, and I'm not good at accepting gifts, but there's something special about treating someone and/or letting them treat you on occasion.

 

[NotUrsula]

Dates? No. However ...

I hit adulthood in the 80's, the era of the lavish Happy Hour Buffet. My college housemates and I were badly cash-strapped, so we used to use those buffets as our standard Friday meal option. The 4 of us would get dressed up in our best clothes, and we'd take one roommate's old beater car to whatever bar was trendy and park it WAY in the back of the lot so that the doorman would not connect us to it. Having that option meant a lot to us when we were scraping for pennies to groceries, even though it meant putting up with a certain amount of hassle from guys who were there to troll for one-night-stands.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I'm going restate the sentence with the operative word emphasized:

S/He who controls the wallet, controls the relationship.

Sounds like you and PlainJane have a partner who shares the wallet, good for you. That doesn't always happen. In some other relationships, money is used as a power and control.

Now, I have to go to work. Will continue this, if need be, later.

I think we have a different definition of controlling the wallet. Out of respect for those who have been abused, I think it's better I leave it at that.

 

[disneychrista]

I agree that people have to watch for red flags in any relationship, but it makes me sad that people feel they have to be wary of someone treating for one meal, coffee, etc.

I honestly think that is taking it to an extreme. I agree that you have to watch for red flags. But a guy paying on a date isn't one of them to me. A guy never letting you make any decisions YES red flag. A guy needing to know everything you do, every where you go, convincing you to not meet friends, etc. YES red flags. Buying a meal or coffee not so much.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I honestly think that is taking it to an extreme. I agree that you have to watch for red flags. But a guy paying on a date isn't one of them to me. A guy never letting you make any decisions YES red flag. A guy needing to know everything you do, every where you go, convincing you to not meet friends, etc. YES red flags. Buying a meal or coffee not so much.

My thoughts exactly.

 

[BeyondNeverland]

I've only ever dated someone to find out if they were the one. I'm a romantic so I focus on the activities we do together and things I can do for whoever I'm with because it's our job to treat each other equally and with respect and to also make each other happy. In a relationship, you both are not objects, you both bring who you are and what you can do for each other (not material things) , and you both once again treat each other equal and with respect.

 

[Praying Colonel]

Men need to be taught as boys to never expect physical contact from anyone.

Did we not learn this from the movie "Hitch"? You go 90%!

 

[Nancyg56]

Ya I think I'll pass on that. I was okay being single before and I'll be okay with it again.

Yup, a big old NOPE for me too!

I’ve never asked a guy out, so it was never a factor.

Honestly, it comes down to I’m a Christian and I believe men should provide for their family when the time comes. That doesn’t mean I think it’s morally necessary for a man to pay for dinner, but I also wouldn’t have dated a guy who didn’t see it as his role to be the main provider once we had kids. It’s kind of a sign that a guy wants a dual income household if he wants to always make things equal in splitting the check (or taking turns). No one has to agree with me on this, but I chose to marry a man that did agree with me. I, also, don’t think this is someone has to agree with me to be a Christian, and I would work if it was necessary, but we will live at a lower means to make it happen (I do some part-time work from home on a contract basis because I can still be a SAHM and make it happen). I, also, think people have extravagant dates in their mind, I had no expectation of $100 dinners. A date could be ice cream, coffee, Waffle House (not a first date recommendation, but my husband and I loved going to Waffle House), etc.

I am a Christian as well and I feel strongly that a man should be able to provide for his family , and I also think a woman should as well. My DH is old school. He feels strongly that he should pay for all the household expenses (except the electric bill when he squawked I left the lights on again and I got snippy that I would pay it. I am now the sulky but stubborn owner of that one) however having been in a position in life that made me chief breadwinner I strongly suggest that women keep that ability to step in a support the family if need be. It is not easy to be ready because if one remains out of the workforce for too long, finding an employer when you need one may not happen.

In terms of money, one can find out a lot about a guy by being the one paying, too. (Well, maybe not the first time, but soon afterward.) I used to counsel abused women. And there is a general saying that turns out to be true:

S/He who controls the wallet, controls the relationship.​

I can't tell you how many stories I've heard where domineering/controlling/abusive men show up at the beginning of a relationship, all sweet and acting chivalrous. They pay for everything. They seem so thoughtful by making all the plans. They pre-order the meals for the woman. Even if she doesn't like boiled chicken and has told him, she still thinks it's romantic & thoughtful that he ordered for her. He seems so protective, when he asks where she is going? How is she getting there? How late will she be? As they get into a longterm relationship, he then doesn't want her to work, or work anymore. He'll take care of her. She thinks all this is so romantic. . .

Until the real him starts to come out, as these men usually can't keep up the charade for long. Him paying for her, his making her get rid of her job, her friends, is a controlling maneuver to make sure she is financially & emotionally dependent on him and isolated. What seemed like him being so protective and thoughtful before is actually him being controlling of what she does, where she goes, who she does it with, when does she come home, down to what she eats, when he orders for her.

Many women who end up at battered women's shelters often arrive with only the clothes on their back. They didn't have the money to get out to be on their own. Many women stay in battered relationships because they have no money to take their kids & leave. So many women go BACK to the guy, because they want the man who showed up in the beginning, the false personae who was so thoughtful & romantic. That guy is the man they love. Not the one who showed up later. The one who was so thoughtful, who took care of them. Oh, he was definitely thoughtful. He thought about how he'd be in control later. And he didn't take care, he took over.

These types of men show up at first dates also sizing women up. They want someone who ultimately is submissive. Who will acquiesce over and over and over again and again. They don't want someone who says, "You bought the last round, I'm buying this one. I got this one, this time." They don't want a strong woman who is asserting equality or boundaries. And doesn't give in when he pushes. "I know you said the boiled chicken is a delicacy here. But, I have food allergies and I really prefer to order for myself, thank you." They are off to look for the submissive one.

GOOD RIDDANCE TO THEM!

True story. I was one of those women trapped in an abusive marriage and I was not going to go there again. Money was control, and I had none.

When I started dating I was a single mother with three children, so money was pretty tight, but not so tight that I was willing to overlook how the man I eventually married would react to me picking up the bill. He paid the first few dates, however when I invited him to join me for a gathering, we ended up going to dinner. I picked the check up and he objected. Ummmmm, I invited you. He told me he felt a man should pay and while I cannot remember his exact words, basically he suggested that if I insisted it was a last date. I told him I could live with that. I thought he would fall off his chair! LOL!

WE dated 12 years ( I was pretty sure I never wanted to marry again) and have been married over 27. I can tell you that while he is clearly the one who has always had a far greater earning potential than my own, he has never held that against me, and I have never used him for a "free ride" anywhere. For an extended period of time I was a stay at home Nana, and any woman who ahs left the workforce for years after hitting 45 knows what an act of trust this was on my part. He stopped speaking to many of his family when he found out that they were disparaging me in regards to the vacations I took with our DGD and our family when he stayed home to work, or that I used him as a "Money Man." (They were confused, I have said that he is our money manager, and he is. He saves for appliances, my kitchen is fully decked out with brand new stainless. I save we end up with a toaster oven. He saves to renovate our home we have an addition added and a completely new interior. If I saved we would have new curtains and bedding. LOL! WE all have our strengths.)

You can tell a lot about a man when you watch how he spends money, and you can tell about how a woman will be, and then you make adjustments in how you run a home, playing to the strengths of each other.. In our home DH manages our money, however I am never without my own to do with whatever I will, with complete access to all of the accounts.

Talk about a gross generalization. I quit work to stay home with my now 27 yr. old. When he went to school, I worked for a few years, because I was lonely being home alone. It's been many years since my last job. My DH makes the money & pays the bills. I have the same access to our money that he does. His check is put in the bank via automatic deposit. I spend what I want. We have a great marriage, because we have mutual respect for each other. He wouldn't consider trying to control me, because he knows it wouldn't go well for him. I'm not the kind of woman that can be told what to do. IMO, a woman that allows a man to control her would do the same, if she made more money than he did.

We are not discussing a relationship in which one partner woks outside of the home to provide for the expenses and the other works in the, home. We are discussing the potential abuse women may suffer because they confuse an open wallet with love and protection, and respect. There are men who will insist on paying for meals, etc and they do indeed expect something in return. If a woman is open to allowing men to pay her freight from the get go, it is very possible she will find that she was bamboozled.

My neighbor did that to his partner and it is terrible sad. Both lost their spouses, who incidentally were related to one another. These two were lonely, and she was looking for someone to care for her. He was Sir Galahad, right until she moved in, sold her vehicle so he could get her a "new one" and gave up all of what she had. Now she is in a pretty tough spot. Very little income, no home of her own and no transportation. She is also a little challenged cognitively, so that makes this even worse. He is a pig and a jerk. If he was burning up on a sidewalk and I had a bottle of water, I would drink it. He new how vulnerable she as and he played to that, and now she is in a relationship with a nasty old man.

I honestly think that is taking it to an extreme. I agree that you have to watch for red flags. But a guy paying on a date isn't one of them to me. A guy never letting you make any decisions YES red flag. A guy needing to know everything you do, every where you go, convincing you to not meet friends, etc. YES red flags. Buying a meal or coffee not so much.

I agree a man paying for a date is not the problem. A woman looking for tha date, may find herself getting what she paid for.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I can't say I've ever gone out just to get a free dinner. But things have ended up that way.

There is this woman I went out with, who asked me what I'd do for a Klondike bar. If only she had tried it with strawberries, I wouldn't have stiffed her with the bill.

 

[alexdiane]

I just had a guy have me pay for a movie and dinner date, he told me the next time we go out it would be on him because he had a really good feeling about us. The next day he blocked me on everything. He was the first guy I went on a date with since my ex and I pretty much give up on the whole dating thing now.

 

[PlainJane]

I am a Christian as well and I feel strongly that a man should be able to provide for his family , and I also think a woman should as well. My DH is old school. He feels strongly that he should pay for all the household expenses (except the electric bill when he squawked I left the lights on again and I got snippy that I would pay it. I am now the sulky but stubborn owner of that one) however having been in a position in life that made me chief breadwinner I strongly suggest that women keep that ability to step in a support the family if need be. It is not easy to be ready because if one remains out of the workforce for too long, finding an employer when you need one may not happen.

My grandmother was a young widow, so I’m aware that there are circumstances that could cause me to re-enter the workforce full-time. I, also, have been in the workforce and was briefly the sole breadwinner in our house. I think it’s better for children to have their mother at home, people can disagree and I know it’s sometimes not even possible. I do currently work part-time from home and I have a degree, I could re-enter the workforce if I wanted to.

If I didn’t get married, I had plans in place for being a fully functioning independent member of society. If we hadn’t been able to have kids, I would have also kept working.

 

[disneychrista]

I just had a guy have me pay for a movie and dinner date, he told me the next time we go out it would be on him because he had a really good feeling about us. The next day he blocked me on everything. He was the first guy I went on a date with since my ex and I pretty much give up on the whole dating thing now.

Dating sucks. I want to tell you to not let one bad experience stop you. But after 2 bad experiences I am done too.