How can I nicely tell MIL I don't like her gift idea?

[1GoldenSun]

I don't mind going a little out of my area of interest to spend time with my husband doing the things he enjoys, and he is the same with me. He'll play Scrabble with me (while watching tv at the same time) and I'll go boating with him (and bring a book). But neither of us would WANT the other to do something they hated.

No way would I go to a KISS concert. Just wouldn't happen. I'd consider it selfish of my husband to expect me to. What kind of person could enjoy an event knowing their spouse is miserable and is only enduring it for their sake?

This reminds me of my in-laws trying to get my son to hug them. He isn't a hugger, and we're ok with that and will not make him hug anyone. I am also not a hugger and have stated that clearly yet they still always go in for the hug, every...single...time. I endure it because I'm a grownup and can't run away behind the couch like my son. But what kind of person WANTS a hug from someone who clearly doesn't want to hug them?

I don't know what you can tell your MIL, OP. I do understand the thing with your husband, because mine sometimes can act somewhat similarly. He'll sometimes get these ideas of something we should all do together as a family, and nothing any of us can say can convince him that none of us really want to do this thing. He thinks if we just do it we'll enjoy it. It's sort of Clark Griswold-esque. He means well, but the result is still that we all have to either face up to him and refuse to go, and deal with his sullen disappointment, or go along with whatever the plan is and almost always have a bad time (occasionally he's right and it's somewhat fun).

I feel for you.

 

[TheDisneyNurse]

It’s not a gift for you, so you don’t have to like it. It reminds me of when I would complain about the type of cakes my siblings would want for their birthday. That’s when I learned that lesson, I was probably around 5 or 6.

 

[mjkacmom]

It’s not a gift for you, so you don’t have to like it. It reminds me of when I would complain about the type of cakes my siblings would want for their birthday. That’s when I learned that lesson, I was probably around 5 or 6.

But if her husband will be mad at her because she doesn’t want to go, it makes it her problem.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

She’s not being the bad guy. If my MIL bought KISS tickets for DH, he’d have no problem finding a friend to go with him. He wouldn’t be a baby and pout if I didn’t join him.

If she wasn't being the bad guy, she wouldn't be looking for a way not to be the bad guy. The money quote appears in bold below.

I was looking for a way that i wouldn't be the bad guy

 

[1GoldenSun]

It’s not a gift for you, so you don’t have to like it. It reminds me of when I would complain about the type of cakes my siblings would want for their birthday. That’s when I learned that lesson, I was probably around 5 or 6.

I do see your point, but it sounds like this gift will affect her, so she does have a stake in this. You can choose not eat the cake if you don't like it, but if you had an airborne allergy to one of the ingredients in the cake, you'd have a valid complaint. OP wouldn't care about the gift if she wouldn't have to go to the concert herself, but it sounds like her husband will expect her to go and arguments will ensue if she doesn't, so she has a valid argument against the gift.

 

[we"reofftoneverland]

It is okay for someone to not like something. And it doesn't mean you do not love your spouse if you voice your feelings. And especially since MIL has asked, it is okay for OP to tell MIL how she feels. In fact MIL probably suspects it might not be the best gift and is looking for input. If MIL was sure her gift was golden, she would just confidently give it. MIL might be offended by input even if she has asked for it, and she might not act on input-- who knows, that depends on MIL's personality. You can't control how other people react. You just try to say things non offensively. But I sense if this was OP's DH absolute life dream to go to a Kiss concert that OP would probably go, as most people would. But it sounds like it's just a silly concert of a band that was popular when he was coming of age . I wouldn't give it another thought. Life is too short to go to a Kiss concert. I'm getting a headache just thinking about it. Lol.

 

[wgeo]

I'm surprised at all the responses to the OP telling her to suck it up and go. Why shouldn't the husband "suck it up" and go with a friend instead and show some respect to his wife of 20 years and her wishes? Compromise goes both ways and he should be expected to show some as well.

OP, It kinda seems like you have a nice mother-in-law, at one point you said "she's great like that" So I'm with the people here telling you to just flat out tell her the truth. You can say it very nicely, but just say what you've told us. You're not sure if he wants to go or not, you're guessing it would cause stress between the two of you, so it might be nicer if instead she could think of giving xyz for a gift.

If husband desperately wants to see KISS he can buy his own ticket, he's a grown man.

 

[TheDisneyNurse]

I do see your point, but it sounds like this gift will affect her, so she does have a stake in this. You can choose not eat the cake if you don't like it, but if you had an airborne allergy to one of the ingredients in the cake, you'd have a valid complaint. OP wouldn't care about the gift if she wouldn't have to go to the concert herself, but it sounds like her husband will expect her to go and arguments will ensue if she doesn't, so she has a valid argument against the gift.

If we’re going with this metaphor, then we’re assuming going to the concert will cause physical harm. An airborne peanut allergy, for example, can kill someone. They have service dogs that save the lives of those with airborne allergies.

It sounds like there is a much bigger underlying problem if a concert ticket will cause such a problem in a marriage that it can be compared to an airborne allergy (such as peanuts, which could be deadly)

 

[Floridaman999]

If I had to guilt my wife into going to or doing something with me, we'd both have a terrible time. She does her thing and I do mine. Sometimes those things are together and sometimes they are apart, but we'd never force or guilt the other to do something the other doesn't want to do.

 

[dish rag]

I'm surprised at all the responses to the OP telling her to suck it up and go. Why shouldn't the husband "suck it up" and go with a friend instead and show some respect to his wife of 20 years and her wishes? Compromise goes both ways and he should be expected to show some as well.

OP, It kinda seems like you have a nice mother-in-law, at one point you said "she's great like that" So I'm with the people here telling you to just flat out tell her the truth. You can say it very nicely, but just say what you've told us. You're not sure if he wants to go or not, you're guessing it would cause stress between the two of you, so it might be nicer if instead she could think of giving xyz for a gift.

If husband desperately wants to see KISS he can buy his own ticket, he's a grown man.

It's obvious he's a grown man.

 

[TheDisneyNurse]

But if her husband will be mad at her because she doesn’t want to go, it makes it her problem.

I’d personally be more mad if I found out my spouse told my mother not to get me concert tickets for christmas because they didn’t want to go to the concert. That might create a bigger fight, in my opinion.

OP asks for an opinion, I give an opinion.

 

[disykat]

If we’re going with this metaphor, then we’re assuming going to the concert will cause physical harm. An airborne peanut allergy, for example, can kill someone. They have service dogs that save the lives of those with airborne allergies.

It sounds like there is a much bigger underlying problem if a concert ticket will cause such a problem in a marriage that it can be compared to an airborne allergy (such as peanuts, which could be deadly)

I knew someone would go there. I liked the post, even though my son is peanut allergic and I understand the seriousness of the allergy. The writer of that post was simply trying to find an analogy where eating cake could possibly be like going to a concert in the way it affects people around them. It's easy not to eat a piece of cake if it bothers you. It's not easy to avoid being in an environment that bothers you. She wasn't comparing the deadliness factor. An analogy doesn't have to work at all levels.

 

[disykat]

I’d personally be more mad if I found out my spouse told my mother not to get me concert tickets for christmas because they didn’t want to go to the concert. That might create a bigger fight, in my opinion.

OP asks for an opinion, I give an opinion.

Ah, but then, if your spouse had a reason for turning down those tickets like knowing you would have forced him to go, then you'd have to fight that out as well. IMO, it might be time for the OP and her spouse to have that fight.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

I’d personally be more mad if I found out my spouse told my mother not to get me concert tickets for christmas because they didn’t want to go to the concert. That might create a bigger fight, in my opinion.

OP asks for an opinion, I give an opinion.

I would too.

So, basically, the husband doesn't get a gift he may love because the wife doesn't want to go?

And instead of owning up to that with the MIL, the OP wants to tell the MIL that the husband won't want the gift.

Like that doesn't have a chance of blowing up in the OP's face.

 

[handinpocket]

I’d personally be more mad if I found out my spouse told my mother not to get me concert tickets for christmas because they didn’t want to go to the concert. That might create a bigger fight, in my opinion.

OP asks for an opinion, I give an opinion.

Then you would have an underlying problem in YOUR marriage.

 

[handinpocket]

I knew someone would go there. I liked the post, even though my son is peanut allergic and I understand the seriousness of the allergy. The writer of that post was simply trying to find an analogy where eating cake could possibly be like going to a concert in the way it affects people around them. It's easy not to eat a piece of cake if it bothers you. It's not easy to avoid being in an environment that bothers you. She wasn't comparing the deadliness factor. An analogy doesn't have to work at all levels.

She knew that, sometimes people just like to be difficult.

 

[Turksmom]

It seems like the op is going to an awful lot of trouble to keep this possible present a surprise but keeps saying maybe he wouldn’t want to go anyway. I think she knows that isn’t true and is just trying to justify telling the mil not to buy the tickets. Sounds like manipulation to me. And something perhaps mil and dh will not be happy about. He needs to grow up and stop pouting and she needs to be honest.[/QUOTE]

No, I really don't know if it's something he even wants. I told MIL that and that she or I would have to ask directly, but she has said she doesn't want to do that.

 

[Turksmom]

I'm surprised at all the responses to the OP telling her to suck it up and go. Why shouldn't the husband "suck it up" and go with a friend instead and show some respect to his wife of 20 years and her wishes? Compromise goes both ways and he should be expected to show some as well.

OP, It kinda seems like you have a nice mother-in-law, at one point you said "she's great like that" So I'm with the people here telling you to just flat out tell her the truth. You can say it very nicely, but just say what you've told us. You're not sure if he wants to go or not, you're guessing it would cause stress between the two of you, so it might be nicer if instead she could think of giving xyz for a gift.

If husband desperately wants to see KISS he can buy his own ticket, he's a grown man.

Thanks. I was thinking the same thing. The ads have been all over in this area, so I don't see how he doesn't know about it. It would be one thing if he brought it up, then I could tell him I'm not going, but fine if he does and then he can decide if he'll go with a friend or not go. If MIL gives tickets (especially as a gift to both), he'd probably be more insistent.

 

[Turksmom]

I would too.

So, basically, the husband doesn't get a gift he may love because the wife doesn't want to go?

And instead of owning up to that with the MIL, the OP wants to tell the MIL that the husband won't want the gift.

Like that doesn't have a chance of blowing up in the OP's face.

Nope- never said that. I want to tell MIL why I don't like the idea, but in a nice way.

 

[kaytieeldr]

You can choose not eat the cake if you don't like it, but if you had an airborne allergy to one of the ingredients in the cake, you'd have a valid complaint.

Hyperbole. Invalid analogy. Unless someone were to reduce the cake to dust mote size bits and circulate the results through the air.

===

OP, if anyone else suggested this, i apologize. Simply mention the concert tour to your husband (hey, did you see KISS is...) and get his reaction. If he is interested or excited, at that point express your feelings about attending.