Another relationship question

[sk!mom]

DH and I are pretty far apart politically. He is more conservative although over time he has moved to more moderate. If I’d quit moving farther and farther left we’d have met by now. Our votes have often cancelled each other out.

We’ve been married 38 years next week and love a lively political debate. The reason it works is that we are both very open and respectful about the opinions of others. You have to listen to learn.

If we disagreed over the current climate though, it might be a deal breaker.

 

[loves to dive]

Yep. It's easy, we just don't discuss politics for religion, period.

 

[msjprincess]

Then you don’t have political differences, no two people can have opposite political views and be on agreement on actual administration.

I totally disagree with that. I don't agree with every politician in my party.

 

[usnuzuloose]

Me and DH share the same views

 

[amberpi]

DH and I are pretty far apart politically. He is more conservative although over time he has moved to more moderate. If I’d quit moving farther and farther left we’d have met by now. Our votes have often cancelled each other out.

We’ve been married 38 years next week and love a lively political debate. The reason it works is that we are both very open and respectful about the opinions of others. You have to listen to learn.

If we disagreed over the current climate though, it might be a deal breaker.

I think respect and listening - like almost everything in a relationship - must be the key. There are some issues I literally see every side to (outside of extremist positions), that he feels really strongly about that would be a wash. One issue I feel really strongly about and is pretty polarizing, he doesn't align with his own party on.

Politics has always been a big deal for me (he does it professionally, not a politician, but obviously it's a big deal), so it's outside of my normal by a lot. I think it's probably been a dumb cross to die on and one I should have reconsidered before this. Oh well, it's never too late to learn and correct something in yourself, right? I wanted input though as most of my friends are of similar views to me. Hearing all these success stories makes me realize how I may have been turning away lot of men that I shouldn't have and going outside of my "type" is a worthwhile pursuit.

 

[amberpi]

I totally disagree with that. I don't agree with every politician in my party.

Me either. I don't agree with even all the issues, just the majority and the most important ones to me.

 

[Hikergirl]

Yep. And you can support the politics of one party without supporting the entire thing. I think we’re seeing a lot of that now actually.

Exactly, that is why there is an Independent choice when registering to vote

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

Can I just say I find it odd and disturbing that an adult would ask another adult who to vote for? I wouldn't even tell my own children who to vote for however, I would give my opinion and tell them to do the research. I think that's the trouble with democracy. I can tell another uninformed person who to vote for and he will and it counts.

When I was in college I would get my absentee ballot sent from Chicago with a note from my precinct captain - detailing exactly who to vote for. I did.
When I came home and needed a summer job - I could call the aldermans office and get one.
Appalling in retrospect, but that is how the system worked.
As to DH? He is uninformed, while I am super informed - I think we balance. lol

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My husband and I share the same political affliation but we fall more in the middle at least with most things..some things are one side or the other. But we don't agree on everything polically (most but not all) but honestly I love the talks we have. It's great having someone who can challenge my stance on something. We don't get mean debating though and it doesn't affect our relationship but being able to frankly talk about world events does strengthen it for us personally (I know for some they don't want to talk about it and I completely respect that). We enjoy watching things that can be political in nature to an extent.

But I think sometimes there are things that could make things harder for instance abortion..not getting into that topic but I could see where a relationship may not work out if one is very very against and one is very very for it;of course that depends on if it's a topic that gets talked about, or a topic that stays untalked about but I do know for some people the very idea could be a deal breaker.

Religious views--we're of the same faith but we are not religious really. Deal breaker? No but I would honestly find it hard to be with someone who was a lot more religious than me only if they are more on the extreme side not because that itself is an issue but if it came to a point where there was guilt for not being religious. On that same token it works the other way. It also works for instance if someone is on a very different diet than you--no problem with that unless you're being guilted constantly.

But I do know of a situation where religion is an absolute deal breaker for someone I know and that is the situation with my sister-in-law and her muslim boyfriend. As it stands his family doesn't know about her in the sense that they are dating as he's not supposed to be dating her. If the day comes where they are serious enough for marriage he has told her if his family says no there would be no marriage no ifs ands or buts. This is more about his family expecting him to marry a fellow muslim girl (as I'm told when he goes home he is constantly being set up by his mother). I don't know however if they would be open to her converting but I honestly don't know if she would be open to converting either.

 

[amberpi]

My husband and I share the same political affliation but we fall more in the middle at least with most things..some things are one side or the other. But we don't agree on everything polically (most but not all) but honestly I love the talks we have. It's great having someone who can challenge my stance on something. We don't get mean debating though and it doesn't affect our relationship but being able to frankly talk about world events does strengthen it for us personally (I know for some they don't want to talk about it and I completely respect that). We enjoy watching things that can be political in nature to an extent.

But I think sometimes there are things that could make things harder for instance abortion..not getting into that topic but I could see where a relationship may not work out if one is very very against and one is very very for it;of course that depends on if it's a topic that gets talked about, or a topic that stays untalked about but I do know for some people the very idea could be a deal breaker.

Religious views--we're of the same faith but we are not religious really. Deal breaker? No but I would honestly find it hard to be with someone who was a lot more religious than me only if they are more on the extreme side not because that itself is an issue but if it came to a point where there was guilt for not being religious. On that same token it works the other way. It also works for instance if someone is on a very different diet than you--no problem with that unless you're being guilted constantly.

But I do know of a situation where religion is an absolute deal breaker for someone I know and that is the situation with my sister-in-law and her muslim boyfriend. As it stands his family doesn't know about her in the sense that they are dating as he's not supposed to be dating her. If the day comes where they are serious enough for marriage he has told her if his family says no there would be no marriage no ifs ands or buts. This is more about his family expecting him to marry a fellow muslim girl (as I'm told when he goes home he is constantly being set up by his mother). I don't know however if they would be open to her converting but I honestly don't know if she would be open to converting either.

This is very helpful. Funny enough, I asked about the 1 issue that is a deal breaker for me, and he just so happens to not line up with his party on it and I also found out organically that a concern I had wouldn't be a problem.

 

[BrianL]

This is very helpful. Funny enough, I asked about the 1 issue that is a deal breaker for me, and he just so happens to not line up with his party on it and I also found out organically that a concern I had wouldn't be a problem.

I'd think it best not to define "deal-breakers" as such. I see it more as an I'll know them when I see them type of thing, but wouldn't assume ahead of time that something will bother me. I'll wait until it does. We all know the only true, insurmountable issue is love of Disney of course. There is just no way around that one!

Also, my advice is probably not worth much since I hardly ever date anyway.

 

[amberpi]

I'd think it best not to define "deal-breakers" as such. I see it more as an I'll know them when I see them type of thing, but wouldn't assume ahead of time that something will bother me. I'll wait until it does. We all know the only true, insurmountable issue is love of Disney of course. There is just no way around that one!

Also, my advice is probably not worth much since I hardly ever date anyway.

Disney is not a deal breaker for me The issue that I have as a deal breaker is such that I would not get into a physical relationship with someone on the other side of it, so yeah, it's a deal breaker.

I'm feeling like I've been very silly about placing so much importance on politics when obviously varying positions can work!

 

[RedAngie]

Can I just say I find it odd and disturbing that an adult would ask another adult who to vote for? I wouldn't even tell my own children who to vote for however, I would give my opinion and tell them to do the research. I think that's the trouble with democracy. I can tell another uninformed person who to vote for and he will and it counts.

I remember when I was very young my father TELLING my mother who she would be voting for. And I'm pretty sure she ignored him and voted exactly as she pleased.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Disney is not a deal breaker for me The issue that I have as a deal breaker is such that I would not get into a physical relationship with someone on the other side of it, so yeah, it's a deal breaker.

I'm feeling like I've been very silly about placing so much importance on politics when obviously varying positions can work!

It comes down to that whole respecting other opinions thing. If at the end of the day you & I still disagree, but you can see my POV and I can see yours, it’s all good. Fact is, I enjoy a good debate, so it’s definitely not a deal breaker for me to have some disagreements.

And the thing I’ve learned about politics is that even the extremists don’t disagree as much as even they like to believe. Most of us can come to SOME agreement on what issues our nation has. Where we part is on which issues to prioritize, what the causes of the issues are, and how to solve the issues.

 

[amberpi]

And the thing I’ve learned about politics is that even the extremists don’t disagree as much as even they like to believe. Most of us can come to SOME agreement on what issues our nation has. Where we part is on which issues to prioritize, what the causes of the issues are, and how to solve the issues.

I think that's so true. I can certainly respect others views on as long as they are well considered. I think this is going to be fine. If this guy doesn't work out, that's certainly no big deal, but I think I'm not going to be concerned about politics and dating anymore

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Disney is not a deal breaker for me The issue that I have as a deal breaker is such that I would not get into a physical relationship with someone on the other side of it, so yeah, it's a deal breaker.

I'm feeling like I've been very silly about placing so much importance on politics when obviously varying positions can work!

It can be hard when you're passionate about something and you find yourself with someone who is the opposite in what you are passionate in. Sometimes it doesn't work out but I think most times it can. As a general note I think life would be boring if we all thought the same. Like I mentioned though some things may end up being a deal breaker depending on how the differing opinions are treated.

But I do agree with BrianL in that you never know that person could end up being a great partner and pre-formed dealbreakers may mean you miss out on something great. Doesn't mean you shouldn't stick with your values though. I will say on a trivial note when I met my husband I was 19 and I was a sophmore in college. I had said after dating a bit that younger than me guys weren't for me. They usually didn't have the maturity level (no offense just was the experiences I had) I was looking for. Sometimes the older ones were like that too though (I had a roughly 5 year older than me limit).

I met my husband one random night and found out that he was 18 and a freshman..didn't let it stop me but I had some reservations..10 years later I'd say I was totally wrong on my inital mostly trivial 'won't date younger than me' stance. Now granted my husband is 1 year and 2 months younger than me so not a big big deal but at that age..it was for the experiences I had before him. That being said it hasn't stopped the initial "robbing the craddle" jokes that I had gotten lol.

 

[Skellingtonj]

Me and my husband disagree on all things politics. My mom and Dad are the same way. We make it work.

To me, there’s nothing worse then a spouse who just blindly follows their so when it comes to stuff like this. My mil does not have a mind of her own and it’s maddening. She does no research and just posts nonsense over and over. I just keep scrolling

 

[Colleen27]

I've had a hard time with that in the past. There are certain issues that I have a hard time agreeing to disagree on because to me they're questions of core values, not political viewpoints, and on those issues I feel like a major disagreement is reflective of a deeper difference in worldview that would be likely to cause other problems down the road. There are plenty of things DH & I disagree about politically, but they tend to be matters of different ways to reach the same ends rather than core questions of what direction we should be going.

Can I just say I find it odd and disturbing that an adult would ask another adult who to vote for? I wouldn't even tell my own children who to vote for however, I would give my opinion and tell them to do the research. I think that's the trouble with democracy. I can tell another uninformed person who to vote for and he will and it counts.

And if they don't want to do the research?

My husband isn't into politics. He knows where I stand on things, because I am (too, if you ask him) into politics, and since he generally shares my outlook, he often asks me for a cheat sheet when it comes to elections. Especially for the local elections where you really have to work to get a good handle on things because there isn't mass media covering it. For example, we recently had a very contentious city election between a pro-growth/pro-quality of life faction and a pro-outsourcing/anti-community services faction. We have a tiny local weekly paper but otherwise no real media to speak of, because we're a small town too far from the city to be covered as suburban. I went to debates and town hall forums and knew several of the candidates via various community organization. DH works 60+ hours a week and isn't as connected locally as I am. It just made more sense for him to ask me who I supported for mayor and city council than to duplicate my efforts knowing that our views are similar enough that we'd arrive at the same conclusion.

 

[Wishing on a star]

The thing that I can appreciate about my husband and his political views is that he can admit his party’s wrongdoings and isn’t die hard, one way or another.

Yep. And you can support the politics of one party without supporting the entire thing. I think we’re seeing a lot of that now actually.

That is so true, but yet very rare!!!!
Many people live in a very 'I am right' point of view.

I can see how people who are on my 'side' politically might not agree with everything that that might be associated with that side. Or even some of the actual political persuasions.
I can also see how people who are on the other 'side' politically might agree with some of the basic viewpoints, but not everything that is associated with that side.

The thing is, that is very rare.
I think that most human beings have a hard time being objective.
They live in a kind of self-absorbed black and white world where they feel that they are, and must be, right... so others are always wrong.

I think I have a pretty good, well more than average, ability to be objective.
And, I think that other people sometimes just have no understanding of that. It is like it seems foreign to them.

Having said that, I would find that I have many philosophical and moral differences with most people who are at the far end of the political spectrum.
For me, I don't think that there would be ANY way that this would work in a marriage/relationship.

If we are to look at 'sides'.... There is one side that, basically, I feel/know is the right side.

 

[Wishing on a star]

.... ooops, error trying to use quotes!!!