Everything I knew about myself has been broke

[LSUmiss]

I would guess standoffish autocorrected.

Yes! Oops!

 

[Owlpost23]

As far as the "needs" part of things,if he didn't alter his behavior,I'd hand him a Glamour magazine and say have at it.

 

[missbrooke06]

Part of being a parent is literally worrying about others. One parent doesn't get to abdicate that responsibility.

Except of course that they have a 4 year old child, and when you have a 4 year old child you are REQUIRED to worry about others, it's part of the job. So it is simply not acceptable for one parent to shoulder that responsiblity while the other parent gets to "live their life instead of worrying about others"

 

[sjrec]

Lots of good advice here-but I just want to say of course you’re exhausted, overwhelmed and unhappy. I bet you haven’t had a good nights sleep in ages. After 35 years of marriage I still have to ask my husband for help sometimes and that’s ok. But he never spent 4 hours in the evening (every night) on his own interests and was a very involved father. These are the things that I hope you can resolve the soonest.

 

[pfp258]

Is there any way at all you could cut costs and stay home with your child? Working full time, running a household and trying to meet a child’s need is like working three jobs at once. Just being a stay at home Mom and running a household is more than enough. As much as everyone likes to think “you can have it all”, I would say sure you can but you will feel depleted, exhausted and often bitter or angry.

 

[missbrooke06]

Is there any way at all you could cut costs and stay home with your child? Working full time, running a household and trying to meet a child’s need is like working three jobs at once. Just being a stay at home Mom and running a household is more than enough. As much as everyone likes to think “you can have it all”, I would say sure you can but you will feel depleted, exhausted and often bitter or angry.

Does that really solve the issue? OP just trades in going to work for chasing a kid around all day. Maybe there's less mental exhaustion. Honestly, if I had a partner that contributed nothing to our household, the last thing I would do is give up my means of supporting myself.

 

[mmouse37]

I love to sleep in too. But I've not slept past 7 am in 4 years. To expect DH to get up at 7am, after going to bed at 2am or even later, is just something I don't ask for. Maybe I should start.

Yes, you should. We happily care for two of our grandkids (a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old) full time (9-5, five days a week). Some days they arrive at 8:00 like this morning and some days they stay later than 5. Last night I got into a series and was binge watching and did not get to sleep until about 2:15 am. I knew I had to be up by 7:00 so I could be ready for the kids but I made that choice....stay up late and be a bit tired in the am. Your husband knows if he stays up late he will be tired in the morning but that does not give him a free pass to sleep in. It's part of being an adult...making decisions. Just as I knew that my decision to stay up late would make me tired in the am I decided to do it anyway. I would never expect my husband to get up any earlier than me to watch the kids just because I decided to stay up much later.

MJ

 

[piccolopat]

You can try working with your husband's sleeping schedule. For example, you get your son up in the morning and off to school or daycare so he can sleep. Your husband is responsible for picking him up at the end of the day and spending time with him until after dinner. Then you both spend time with him before bedtime. After bedtime, you and your husband spend time together, preferably talking, and then you can go to bed or do what you want while he "hobbies". I wouldn't wait up for him - he can adjust his schedule to fit yours. On the weekends, you get a minimum of three hours to do something just for you, away from the house and with your husband taking charge of your son. If he sleeps late on Saturday, he has to take the early shift on Sunday. You might also consider getting a cleaning service and joining a club to get you out doing something for you. First step is to sit down and talk through the issues and come to an agreement. In the present state, you really don't have much of a marriage but just coexist. It sounds like you want that to change but it can't be one sided. His wants and needs are not more important than yours or your son's. You never said what kind of work he does or what his usual hours are compared to yours. That might make a difference in the advice you get here.

 

[olliesmom]

OP, I'm not sure if you've seen the comic that's been making the rounds recently regarding "mental load" but it popped into my mind as I've read through this thread and it might resonate with you:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

If it does, maybe sitting down and sharing it with your husband might help? It certainly resonated with me and when I talked to DH about it, he had no idea of everything I felt I was juggling in addition to the practical, concrete tasks around the house that needed to be done. It's not just cleaning the bathroom, it's remembering how much of each supply you have left, what needs to be replaced and where it's on sale this week. DH really didn't realize the "behind the scenes" planning that was going on, and I think it helped to have us both on the same page of recognizing that household management takes a lot of energy and effort!

 

[LSUmiss]

I was hardly suggesting the possibility he has a different body clock excuses him from any responsibilities, not at all. I also wouldn't recommend she approach the issue as TOUGH! with her husband as a way of opening the discussion seeking a solution. It may well end up that way, but odds of reaching an agreeable solution are better if you don't begin the conversation from that stance because it leaves very little room for two, which is presumably a big part of the objective.

No I agree at this point she couldn’t start the conversation like that in this case. I was just saying my opinion of his internal clock being on a different schedule.

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, I'm not sure if you've seen the comic that's been making the rounds recently regarding "mental load" but it popped into my mind as I've read through this thread and it might resonate with you:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

If it does, maybe sitting down and sharing it with your husband might help? It certainly resonated with me and when I talked to DH about it, he had no idea of everything I felt I was juggling in addition to the practical, concrete tasks around the house that needed to be done. It's not just cleaning the bathroom, it's remembering how much of each supply you have left, what needs to be replaced and where it's on sale this week. DH really didn't realize the "behind the scenes" planning that was going on, and I think it helped to have us both on the same page of recognizing that household management takes a lot of energy and effort!

That summed it up really well! Even in this thread, one person after another faulted the OP for not asking the husband to help. My point earlier was that the very fact that the OP has to ask means that it's her responsibility to manage the house, to remember the details, to dole out the work and see that it gets done. Definitely a mental load!

 

[low-key]

hey , sometimes after you blow off some steam you might feel a little better the next day

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Does that really solve the issue? OP just trades in going to work for chasing a kid around all day. Maybe there's less mental exhaustion. Honestly, if I had a partner that contributed nothing to our household, the last thing I would do is give up my means of supporting myself.

Money aside, it doesn't necessarily alleviate the stress. DW gave up her full-time job to clerk at the school 11 year ago. Sure, it gave her more quality time with the kids & Summers off. But, now she's "mom" 24/7. The drive to work, at work, the drive home, there is NO built in break & she's had to manufacture breaks, even skipping some of their activities that she used to enjoy watching for her own sanity. And the income drop has caused its own kind of stress at times.

 

[lifesavacation]

OP, I'm not sure if you've seen the comic that's been making the rounds recently regarding "mental load" but it popped into my mind as I've read through this thread and it might resonate with you:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

If it does, maybe sitting down and sharing it with your husband might help? It certainly resonated with me and when I talked to DH about it, he had no idea of everything I felt I was juggling in addition to the practical, concrete tasks around the house that needed to be done. It's not just cleaning the bathroom, it's remembering how much of each supply you have left, what needs to be replaced and where it's on sale this week. DH really didn't realize the "behind the scenes" planning that was going on, and I think it helped to have us both on the same page of recognizing that household management takes a lot of energy and effort!

Like * 100

 

[brockash]

That summed it up really well! Even in this thread, one person after another faulted the OP for not asking the husband to help. My point earlier was that the very fact that the OP has to ask means that it's her responsibility to manage the house, to remember the details, to dole out the work and see that it gets done. Definitely a mental load!

Yes, exactly. The whole you need to be asking him to do this or that, or ask/tell him he needs to spend time with the kid, or "watch" the kid so you can do something else. Does he ask her to "watch" the kid while he does his hobbies, is he making arrangements for him to get his time, is he "forcing" her to spend time with the kid etc....it's so insane. Why should it be her responsibility to make arrangements, but not the other parents...

 

[MamaBelle4]

I've not read through all the replies, but OP, please read this.

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

ETA, In glancing through, I see someone beat me to it!

 

[missbrooke06]

Yes, exactly. The whole you need to be asking him to do this or that, or ask/tell him he needs to spend time with the kid, or "watch" the kid so you can do something else. Does he ask her to "watch" the kid while he does his hobbies, is he making arrangements for him to get his time, is he "forcing" her to spend time with the kid etc....it's so insane. Why should it be her responsibility to make arrangements, but not the other parents...

I do think it's insane but as far as the child goes, she either has to force the issue, drop it and live with resentment or leave the husband. The dishes, vacuuming, and cooking can all be ignored and grounds for a standoff with pretty minor consequences but a child can't be.

It's not fair that OP has to do it but there aren't many other options that I see when a child is involved.

 

[brockash]

I do think it's insane but as far as the child goes, she either has to force the issue, drop it and live with resentment or leave the husband. The dishes, vacuuming, and cooking can all be ignored and grounds for a standoff with pretty minor consequences but a child can't be.

It's not fair that OP has to do it but there aren't many other options that I see when a child is involved.

Oh, I agree, it's just a really crappy situation for one parent to be put in. I just thought it was crazy how many ppl. acted like it was almost OPs fault for not "forcing", " requesting", making prior arrangements etc., as if that was automatically her job...it's not. There are 2 adults, 2 parents etc. They should both be just as concerned as the other about the raising of the child and the regular adult things that need to be done to run a household etc.

 

[Allison]

That summed it up really well! Even in this thread, one person after another faulted the OP for not asking the husband to help. My point earlier was that the very fact that the OP has to ask means that it's her responsibility to manage the house, to remember the details, to dole out the work and see that it gets done. Definitely a mental load!

She seems to have made it her responsibility as she said she insists on doing everything. She needs to work on changing how she does things before asking for change from someone else.

 

[ronandannette]

She seems to have made it her responsibility as she said she insists on doing everything. She needs to work on changing how she does things before asking for change from someone else.

As this thread goes on, the OP’s responses are becomming more and more muddled and hard to ascertain what her actual feelings are, or if even she can clearly define them. Heck, she went from declaring “life is good” in the first post to practically agreeing with Art that she should immediately pack her bags because her husband doesn’t “treasure” her. (I thought his post was very mean-spirited, BTW.)

There’s a ton of ambiguity here, and as @Gumbo4x4 and others have so aptly pointed out, we’re only getting one, very skewed side of the story.