I’ll just share what works for us and there’s a lot of goofy things about the importance of language and perspective.
First we divy up who is in charge of what- I don’t like the idea of a weekly to do list because then it’s still a negotiation of who is going to do what this week, who is checking more boxes.) So husband is always in charge of the lawn and cleaning bathrooms, I’m always in charge of going grocery shopping and vacuuming for example. How either of us does thing and exactly when we do it isn’t important (we’d have another issue if someone just wasn’t covering their area). We also split meal prep/cooking/bedtimes/practice carpooling so we each have 3 days. The other person backs off and unwinds during this time.
You mentioned thinking of him as another kid- I think it’s REALLY important to not fall into that trap or even the common mom jokes of no I really have 2 kids if you can’t my husband. It makes excuses for them not covering their workload, and it makes you start to view him not as an equal adult. I make sure I don’t do that. To that end I also don’t leave to do notes for him because that feels like an assignment you give and are “telling” him to do (and it reinforces the idea that it’s always your job to think of what needs to be done).
We try hard not to use the phrase “ask for help” because then it seems like they are doing you a favor (I know goofy language her but it does shift the thinking a little). Instead I’ll say “hey how are we going to get the room painted and the kids to practice this weekend” and then we divy it up like I can do this part and it’s a shared decision and shared responsibility. It’s so minor but it’s clear that A job that needs to be done not YOUR job that needs help to be done.
One very last thing you mentioned not wanting to “farm” your kid out and I don’t think that’s helpful language or thinking. That thinking sounds like you think that only you are capable and responsible for meeting every single one of your son’s needs and that not meeting his needs means you’ve been lazy or dodged your responsibility. When they are tiny it’s true that you do have an outsized role, however at this age sending him to a sitter or having dad handle bedtime isn’t farming him out.
The way to ensure your husband spends time with him is to set up blocks of time, probably on the weekend, where your husband has him for boys time. Don’t manage what they do or where they go (my son LOVES guys night and I’m horrified to find ou it has involved sledding down the stairs and seeing who can eat the most marshmallows but whatever they clearly bonded- and my husband cleaned up the marshmallow vomit so no worries). Lots of parents don’t get to attend after school activities or have very little time during the week due to work schedules and early bedtimes. Just like dividing housework, that means they get the weekends. Kids will be just fine as long as there’s some dedicated time for them with each parent.
Also don’t beat yourself up for having a little wine and venting. In fact I’d find a good friend and occasionally have more wine and roll your eyes and say can you believe what he did and your friend says ugh you are so right, you blow off steam and then go home- that’s how people have gotten through marriage for centuries.
First we divy up who is in charge of what- I don’t like the idea of a weekly to do list because then it’s still a negotiation of who is going to do what this week, who is checking more boxes.) So husband is always in charge of the lawn and cleaning bathrooms, I’m always in charge of going grocery shopping and vacuuming for example. How either of us does thing and exactly when we do it isn’t important (we’d have another issue if someone just wasn’t covering their area). We also split meal prep/cooking/bedtimes/practice carpooling so we each have 3 days. The other person backs off and unwinds during this time.
You mentioned thinking of him as another kid- I think it’s REALLY important to not fall into that trap or even the common mom jokes of no I really have 2 kids if you can’t my husband. It makes excuses for them not covering their workload, and it makes you start to view him not as an equal adult. I make sure I don’t do that. To that end I also don’t leave to do notes for him because that feels like an assignment you give and are “telling” him to do (and it reinforces the idea that it’s always your job to think of what needs to be done).
We try hard not to use the phrase “ask for help” because then it seems like they are doing you a favor (I know goofy language her but it does shift the thinking a little). Instead I’ll say “hey how are we going to get the room painted and the kids to practice this weekend” and then we divy it up like I can do this part and it’s a shared decision and shared responsibility. It’s so minor but it’s clear that A job that needs to be done not YOUR job that needs help to be done.
One very last thing you mentioned not wanting to “farm” your kid out and I don’t think that’s helpful language or thinking. That thinking sounds like you think that only you are capable and responsible for meeting every single one of your son’s needs and that not meeting his needs means you’ve been lazy or dodged your responsibility. When they are tiny it’s true that you do have an outsized role, however at this age sending him to a sitter or having dad handle bedtime isn’t farming him out.
The way to ensure your husband spends time with him is to set up blocks of time, probably on the weekend, where your husband has him for boys time. Don’t manage what they do or where they go (my son LOVES guys night and I’m horrified to find ou it has involved sledding down the stairs and seeing who can eat the most marshmallows but whatever they clearly bonded- and my husband cleaned up the marshmallow vomit so no worries). Lots of parents don’t get to attend after school activities or have very little time during the week due to work schedules and early bedtimes. Just like dividing housework, that means they get the weekends. Kids will be just fine as long as there’s some dedicated time for them with each parent.
Also don’t beat yourself up for having a little wine and venting. In fact I’d find a good friend and occasionally have more wine and roll your eyes and say can you believe what he did and your friend says ugh you are so right, you blow off steam and then go home- that’s how people have gotten through marriage for centuries.