Everything I knew about myself has been broke

[iivye]

When my husband and I were first married I did everything (baby, worked full time, school at night, cleaning) and eventually I had a mini breakdown about it. I learned that he grew up with his mom doing everything (working full time, taking care of the house, cleaning and cooking) and in his mind that is how things worked.

We had a huge fight and I straight out said that is not the way things were going to be in our house. We've been married 15 years and have come to a nice balance but it was not easy road and still isn't perfect. I'm terrible about saying things that need to be done but not specifically asking him to do them, like I'll mention there's a lot of laundry but don't ask him to do it. If I ask him to do something he does do it but not right away and usually not the way I want it done but that's where I need to let go of my control issues. We also have different definitions of cleaning and his does not include mopping but I've gotten over it.

Mainly I just want to tell you that you are not alone and that many of us have had these same issues. I had a lot of resentment towards my husband and at the same time I felt a little bit like a failure because I couldn't do it all but once I let it all out things improved and now those feelings are long gone.

 

[jump00]

Just one question - Would your life be better with or without him?

 

[mousefan73]

You sound like my SIL.. she has 3 kids. Her 2 sons and her DH.. She totally Martyrs herself.. Think your situation is the classic one where perhaps marriage theraphy will help in communicating everyone's needs. though I can understand if you dont want to or you dont want to bring this to DH up.. Maybe start with yourself. I would test DH IF and only IF you are willing to change. This is maybe where theraphy just for you may help... You are critizing your situation.. So ok.. Go ask yourself what is your ideal situation.. if you had a magic wand that could change people what would YOU first do...


In your case..I would find a hobby myself or joing a gym.. Test DH and and say Wednesdays I will go from the job to the gym and I excpect you take care of kids and have dinner ready for when I am home.. .. or go to gym later and have him take care of getting kids ready for bed, in bed and kithcen clean.

BTW SIL still does things for her grown kids... her DS age 37 still brings laundry home on weekends for HER to do.. he is single but jeeezzzuss

 

[brockash]

Just one question - Would your life be better with or without him?

The problem is, it's not just her life. Even if her life would be better without him, they have a kid together...which makes it WAY more complicated.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I leave husband notes, lists, etc if need be. Work is divided equally. We both work.
This should not be an emotional issue. Sit down and discuss it rationally and calmly.

Both parties get "me time".

 

[Snowflakey]

You set the stage for the way things are in your life. Not right to take it out on DH or be disappointed in him. He has done what he has and you haven't voiced you concern.

I always say I'm an "old fashion" wife. I love to do it all, cooking, cleaning, make DH lunch every morning and send him out the door with a hot cup of coffee. It's what I do - and I WANT to do. Now - do I have times where I need help? Sure and I'm good about either asking for help or suggesting he and DD go take a long, long drive to give me time to get whatever done this usually happens before I'm hosting a party. We've been together long enough now that DH knows when to give me my time - and I cherish it!!

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Ask, ask, ask, ask. S-P-E-L-L it out. I think most husbands, mine included, when left to their own plans will veer towards spending their non-working hours doing projects or hobbies related to their interest. The thought "oh, I have the next hour free...let me either clean the kitchen or take the kids to the grocery store" just doesn't come to them. This isn't a dig on men and I'm not saying all men are like this.

At dinner time--ASK for what you need help with. Can you round up the kids and get them to the table? Can you get drinks? Can you please clear the table, etc. Say you can't do bedtime on your own--ask if he'd like to do the oldest or youngest bedtime. If he doesn't know what to do, show him. If you need to work on a chore while he is lounging, go up to him, say what you are trying to accomplish and ask him to help you do it because you would like to have some downtime as well.

I'm a full time working mom of 3 kids 4 and under--I get it. I felt tons of resentment toward my husband the first 6 months of my first daughter's life. I felt like my life had been turned upside down and his just kept going as it had pre-kids with the exception of holding the baby a bit here and there. Four years and 2 more kids later, things are a lot better. Some things I had to ask for before are now habit for him--he's helping me clean up after dinner, we tackle bedtimes together etc. It's not perfect and it's not 50/50 but we are in a much better place.

 

[scoutie]

When my husband and I were first married I did everything (baby, worked full time, school at night, cleaning) and eventually I had a mini breakdown about it. I learned that he grew up with his mom doing everything (working full time, taking care of the house, cleaning and cooking) and in his mind that is how things worked

This was me pretty much word for word. Two kids, pregnant, working full time, grad school, and mini breakdown. My husband had the same upbringing. My husband did nothing. Part of the reason was because at first I was the one that when we were first married, my schedule worked out so that I had done all of the cleaning. When we had babies, I was the one who wanted to take care of the babies, and was breastfeeding anyway. Once I woke up from the exhaustion of doing everything, I found myself very resentful. Talks didn't do much to be honest. I found I have to be specific. "I need you to give the kids a bath, I need to you to put the dishes away, I need you to get groceries this weekend." It's still annoying that I have to tell him things that he should know, but if that's what it takes to take the workload off...then so be it. I started making sure I get to the gym three times a week. I go out with friends. I take girls' trips. He's supportive of all of this, but I just have to make sure I do it.

It's frustrating, and I completely understand. Sending support. <3

 

[ronandannette]

OP - I'm sorry you are going thru this. The speed at which you internalized what he said and are now blaming yourself is a concern to me. If it is at all possible I would recommend counseling.

As for men not being mind readers, I consider that excuse to mainly be a copout. Of course, everyone needs to be direct with expressing what their needs are. But why is it acceptable for the default male position to be "i'm not gonna do anything unless my wife specifically tells me directly that she needs me to do it". I feel like we have such an easy time blaming the wife for taking control or "not expressing her needs" and never look at the husband and ask why he isn't paying better attention. Why isn't he offering to help or step in? Why is his laziness being accepted? He has eyes, he can look and see that laundry needs to be done or the floor washed or the dishes put away the same as the wife can, and he should be expected to help out when he sees that something needs to be done, not only when his wife specifically says "can you wash the floor."

Whatever. But this is a classic example of “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”. Simply stewing and getting furious with the guy doesn’t improve the OP’s situation. Only working together on changes will do that.

 

[gillep]

Been there, done that. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time, but maybe this conversation, as painful as it was, will help to turn things around in a way that allows more of your needs to be met, and opens the lines of communication with your spouse.

I recommend counseling, both with your husband and on your own if possible, as they are really very different. For me, the individual counseling was so critical to my own mental health. I learned so much about myself, how I process things and react, and how I can do better in all my relationships by allowing for more understanding, and by making an effort to see that there may be more than one side, or way to see a problem (I had previously been a very black/white thinker and it was not healthy). Marriage counseling helped my husband and I learn how truly different we are as people, and that we process things completely differently, something that is obvious and a given to me, may not be so obvious to him, and vice versa. I feel like I now approach the world with so much more grace and understanding, and I am happier for it.

I learned that I have to let go how some things are done if I want DH to do them, he has his own way of doing certain chores, and if I want him to do them I have to be willing to allow him to do them his way and also on his timeline (within reason of course, but we usually agree to a time by which we want to have certain things accomplished and then I just need to let it go and trust he will get it done by that time).

I learned that we have a different tolerance for mess, if something is bothering me because it is messy, it may not be bothering him yet as it isn't at his threshold, so I either need to let him know that it is bothering me and ask for help, or do it myself because I am the one bothered, but if I do it myself I cannot hold it against him.

I have learned that there are things I love doing, such as cooking and packing that I take on 100%, and it is OK if he doesn't help me with those things, because I enjoy it. Our balance of home responsibilities is not 50/50, but that's fine because I have much more time at home than he does, and I make sure to take on things I enjoy, and then try and split or let go of those things that I do not.

I have also learned that if I am asking him to help more around the house, that I may be getting less 1:1 time with him because time is not infinite. So there are times that it still makes more sense for me to take on a boring household task, so that I can get more dedicated time with my husband doing something that we enjoy, but that's my choice and I cannot be mad at him if I am taking that on.

Getting into an exercise routine really helped too, taking a bit of time for myself each day is worth it.

Hugs.

 

[cabanafrau]

Absolutely agree that it is frequently the case that a husband/father gets frustrated and fed up because his wife micromanages every detail of every chore and tells him he does it wrong, or goes over everything herself anyway so why bother. There is however sometimes a legitimate need to explain why it's important to do X and Y steps in a precise order and specific way. We worked out an understanding about those types of issues years ago, including a shortcut where one of us will flat out tell the other, X needs to be done this way or never that way, ONLY do ABC, I don't have time to explain it all now but just trust me. It goes both ways, with my husband sometimes texting me about something, letting me know that I should take care of X and absolutely be sure not to Y. Each of us understands it's not a means of control, simply a shorthand that gets explained later.

If you figure out that it's easier all the way around if you're both pulling in the same direction it makes cooperation sooo much more preferable. Pulling in different directions is tiring, causes a lot of damage and frequently leaves you far from your mate, none of which is helpful to a relationship.

 

[mom2rtk]

I'm surprised at the number of people giving the OP's husband a pass here. He has eyes. I'm sure he's not stupid. Why is it the OP's job to make him do what needs to be done? To leave notes, to assign him chores? I thought men and women were all the same. So why isn't he able to jump in and contribute without the motherly hand holding? I really don't get it.

That said, it is what it is at this point. There needs to be some negotiation and some deal making. Blaming at this point won't help. But OP, I wouldn't be so fast to shoulder all of the blame. I actually find it pretty manipulative of the husband to immediately blame her.

 

[mom2rtk]

Just one question - Would your life be better with or without him?

So those are the only 2 choices? She should settle for what he decides to do?

 

[Piglet843]

Thank you for the replies so far - everyone's perspective is different but worth hearing.

Not knowing the whole story, he MAY have a point - to an extent. If you’ve never made any effort to get away or expressed such a desire, he may be oblivious (and yeah, that’s on him too). Demand some “me time” for yourself and see what happens.

A lot of people take on the martyr role, particularly mothers. They complain about being the only one who can get it all done, but they resist every attempt from the others in the house to actually help. If you insist on being in charge of everything, you’re kind of stuck with all the downsides of that.

I don’t think that’s entirely the case here, but it might at least be a factor.

Bottom line, put your foot down and see how he reacts. If he steps up, then you need to acknowledge that he has done so. If he doesn’t, then it’s another story.

Good luck.

I am guilty of the martyr role and insisting on taking care of everything - so you are right - I am stuck with what I've created.

Was his tone hostile or concerned? If he’s willing to get on board with changes in how your household runs, that’s half the battle. You perpetually “covering all the bases” has meant that he didn’t have to. Many men don’t rise naturally to their responsibilities if they feel like they have to compete with their wives to do so.

Is your relationship good enough in other ways that you feel you can work on this on your own? If so, schedule some time away for just the two of you - preferably a weekend. Spend the first day just enjoying each other without a heavy agenda. On day two, when you’re relaxed and feeling close, discuss a reasonable “chore chart” that takes some things off your plate and gets him helping. DON’T make it too drastic at first - ease into it and remember you need to figure out what you’re going to do with your new-found spare time. Here are a few pitfalls you’ll need to navigate around:

• Him not doing things the exact way you do. Don’t become hyper-critical or go around behind him re-doing things. Release some control - I sense this may be a bigger challenge for you than you realize.
• You feeling guilty or unproductive and gradually gravitating back to your former pattern. Find something to do that’s nourishing and positive, even if it’s only taking a bubble bath or texting with friends.
• Don’t obsess about your kid - he really doesn’t need every waking moment of either yours or your husband’s time. A happy, relaxed family atmosphere is more important. Trust me on this.

If you don’t feel confident to handle this together without conflict, seriously consider counselling, where a 3rd party can bring objective clarity and hold you both accountable for your progress. I wish you all well.

He wasn't hostile - more like another PP said - blindsighted by my efforts to hash stuff out. You are right -I never expect him to step up or help - so he doesn't. We definitely have a marriage that can withstand this setback. I do need to make some changes that will put us down a better path.

If I were you I would ask him to sit down with you tonight so you both can split the chores up between you. He didn't say he wasn't willing to help, so see what he is willing to do. You might find that he jumps right on board. Talk about family priorities such as time with your child, time together and time for each of you to pursue your on interests.
Another important, but very difficult part of this is when he begins helping. Let him do the chores his way. You can explain how you like it, but often times we will get after our spouses for not helping the "right way." If he folds clothes differently then you, let him. We often discourage help because we nit-pick. I had to learn that many years ago in my marriage. I learned to appreciate the help and not worry about it being my way. Because of that, both my husband and my kids became more willing helpers. I will say, I get picky about how the clothes are folded - stupid, I know - so I am the only one who folds clothes but I never complain about it because it is my choice. Other things, I have learned to let go.

Hope that helps. Honest, kind communication between the two of you is the key.

Yes this is a good idea. I do think he will be receptive to helping make changes. And I am very open to letting go of things being done a certain way.

This. Except I would recommend counseling now. You don't want to wait too long and/or make it worse. Don't consider it as fixing your marriage, consider it as strengthening your marriage.

He would never do counseling. I have in the past for other issues. Maybe its time to look her up again.

Doing my part to uphold the law of "The Rule." It's a shame it all came to a head like this but I don't think you're broken. Men and women are just wired differently. Women will do a lot for others,often putting themselves last. Men wouldn't necessarily want it that way, they just don't notice. So maybe you can use this situation to change a few things but that's only on you up to a point--he's going to have to help make the changes. Hopefully you can start to feel better and he'll start to look for ways he can assume more responsibilities and give you more breathing room. This is fixable provided that he can get on-board with making some changes.

Thank you for this

I have been in your position, and it's a really tough spot to be in.

First, please know that even if your behavior caused your husband to assume that you don't mind being the default caregiver, homemaker, and organizer, that doesn't mean that you need fixing. It simply means that you should, as previous posters suggest, try altering your behavior to be more direct about your needs.

I don't know if your situation is the same as mine once was, but learning how to advocate for my own needs was not an easy process for me. I saw a therapist and started to make changes is very small increments. For example, I started being direct about my wishes in really small, low stakes, situations, such as where I wanted to eat on the weekend, or how I wanted to structure my time away from work, and then worked up from there. It's a lot like starting a new exercise routine: You don't go from sedentary to marathon running in an instant, and your progress doesn't always move at the pace you want, but you count even the smallest stride as a victory.

Whether or not these changes will help your marriage, I can't say. However, I can say that learning how to be more direct will certainly be a skill that helps you have a more fulfilling future, with or without your husband.

I do suck at advocating for my own needs. But then again - I am a low maintenance person. I don't need a spa day or my nails done or a shopping day. I need couch potato time and a glass of wine!

My husband has reminded me many times that he isn't a mind reader. If I want or need more help with things then I tell him.

Maybe your husband just doesn't realize that you are overwhelmed and want to share more of the responsibilities.

I think he knows now... lol

I am a mother of 2 kids under 5, work full time, and have a 1 hr commute each way. I had a breakdown 2 weeks ago because my husband was complaining about the state of the house. I told him I needed help, I get no me time between working, driving taking care of the kids, and trying to stay ahead of household chores. I said I wanted a Cleaning lady, he fought me on it, saying “we” could do it ourselves. I told him we could, but I didn’t want to. I want to spend my free time with my kids, him, and taking time for me. The Cleaning company came on Monday. The house looks spectacular and last night my husband, daughter, and I spent 30 minutes coloring together after all the daily chores were done. I finally made the decision and communicated it that my time is valuable, and I needed to make changes to allow me to take care of myself.

I have a cleaning lady too - best money spent all month!! I still have stuff to do in between her coming - but it helps a lot!

Well, there's certainly truth to "we teach people how to treat us", but that doesn't let him off the hook. I know, really know, how easy it as a woman, wife and mom to put everyone else's needs first and foremost. Society tells us that good wives and good moms are super women and they do it all. But, in my experience, a long and happy marriage can't happen when only one person is putting in all the effort. In my opinion, your husband is acting like your second child. It's not just bad for your marriage, but it seems like he's missing out on being an engaged and active parent with your child.
It's time for 2 adults to have an adult conversation about marriage. Do it now before he's your EX-HUSBAND telling you that he doesn't spend time with his kids because you're not FORCING him to (true story).

I for sure put myself last. But I have also said many times he is like having another child. I don't mean it mean - but I hate picking up after him or doing things I would expect him to do just because I'd rather not argue about it getting done. But I do need to change that. A good place to start...

I agree with every poster here! Men are the opposite of mind readers! If I want DH to do something, I tell him. Lists work great, too. He never says no, but a lot of the time, wouldn’t think to do it on his own. I’m a SAHM, but can get resentful on weekends, when he’s off from work, and I’m still cooking, cleaning, doing laundry... I’m not going to ask him to clean a bathroom, but he can go to the store, or empty a dishwasher. I told the kids that if anything ever happens to be, within one year, our house would look like an episode of hoarders.

I’ve also learned, many times, that having important discussions (or online shopping) isn’t a good idea after several glasses of wine!

100% truth!

You need to start communicating with your DH so he knows what you need help with and when you need time to yourself. You might also try telling him that you are going out on Saturday for a few hours and he has the kids. It really doesn't matter if you really have anything to do, just go - sit in a park or wander through your favorite stores. Make it clear that unless there is a true emergency, he can't call you while it is your time. Also start to go to bed when you need to rather than waiting on him. He's an adult and should be responsible for himself. Plan family time that requires him to be a part of. It will take time to break the bad habits your family has but it can be done. Good luck!

Good advise - thank you

OP - I'm sorry you are going thru this. The speed at which you internalized what he said and are now blaming yourself is a concern to me. If it is at all possible I would recommend counseling.

As for men not being mind readers, I consider that excuse to mainly be a copout. Of course, everyone needs to be direct with expressing what their needs are. But why is it acceptable for the default male position to be "i'm not gonna do anything unless my wife specifically tells me directly that she needs me to do it". I feel like we have such an easy time blaming the wife for taking control or "not expressing her needs" and never look at the husband and ask why he isn't paying better attention. Why isn't he offering to help or step in? Why is his laziness being accepted? He has eyes, he can look and see that laundry needs to be done or the floor washed or the dishes put away the same as the wife can, and he should be expected to help out when he sees that something needs to be done, not only when his wife specifically says "can you wash the floor."

I probably do have my own issues in front of what else is going on here that I would let this bother me so bad.
Getting back to a counselor is probably another good place to start. And I agree that I shouldn't accept his laziness.

I think you are on the right track in the conversation you had last night even though you feel awful about it today. It is time to take the next step.

First off, what are your husbands current responsibilities? Does he have a job, if so how many hours does his work/commute take? If it is about the same as yours then you can work on EQUALLY dividing the household chores. Make a an actual PAPER LIST of what you each are responsible for at home and hold him to his end. If he says you don't tell him what you need him to do, then tell him. He has no excuse them to shirk household tasks.

If you decide you want to pay somebody to do things so you have more time, they do that. Housework, yardwork, babysitting so you can have some leisure time.

Honestly, your husband sounds spoiled, but you have allowed him to be. If he is not willing to do his part, I would stop doing things for him so you can focus on getting your own needs met, otherwise the resentment will continue to grow and choke your marriage.

He does have a full time job too. He sleeps in - goes in late and comes home late. So he just gets at most an hour with the kid before we put him to bed - one of my complaints I brought up about how he does his life these days. I wish he could get on a more "normal" schedule. What's he gonna do when the lil guy starts Sports, or Ball - will he just never get to go or participate? Will it always be me taking care of all that?

I do love the list idea. I feel like if he saw it on paper - and had to help get boxes checked - it would change his perspective on what all has to be done and how much I am taking care of. Thank you for this.

It does sound like OP kind of blindsided her husband during date night. (I'm not saying I haven't done the same thing a time or two)

I am guilty. The downside of bottling things up - they eventually boil over.

In all honesty you said an awful lot when you stated you give "every ounce of what's left" to your child, and that's how you like it and then you went on to say that you really don't want to be away from your child anymore than you must because of work. You don't mention the age of your child but my guess would be somewhere in the toddler years at the most. That kind of attitude can not only be a marriage killer, but it can lead to unintended consequences for your child. It's time to get on the same page with your husband, formulate a means by which he helps shoulder more of the household chores and spends more time with your child as well. Some of that can be accomplished by all of you spending more time as a family, which is wonderful for all of you. There should be some regular time set aside for you and your husband, maybe two date nights per month to start, and you should be involving yourself regularly in a hobby or activity of your own -- preferably one which places you in your own social circle, which you will discover to be a lifesaver of its own as the years go by.

Lil man is about to be 4. And I am guilty of spending as much time with him as I can. I don't want to look back and have regrets about missing time with him. But I don't think its his fault that hubby and I don't date night as much as we should. That's partly hubby's fault for not being home much and partly my fault for not pursuing it enough.

Your husband is right. You are the one enabling him to live "the good life" while you run around like a chicken with its head cut off. That's a typical "mom/wife" thing. I do it too. I'm a SAHM and I literally do EVERYTHING to keep the house running.

The difference is, I DEMAND time off and I take it, and DH supports it. We are parents to special needs kids so "date nights" are rare. So, we split up and spend time with friends or solo doing things we love (for me, going to Disneyland BY MYSELF once in awhile, going with friends, going to movies or dinner with girlfriends, etc). For him, he goes to Beer Festivals with the guys from work, goes on snowboarding weekends, baseball games, random bar nights, etc.

Every time HE gets a night off, I get one too. We try and keep this as close to 50/50 as possible. This way, neither feels resentment or like one is always home with the kids while the other is out having fun. We have been doing this since our oldest was born almost 14 years ago. Every other year, I simply take off for an entire week vacation with my sister and best friend. This makes up for the inherent imbalance caused by my husband's work travel and field exercises where he is gone for weeks at a time (military).

OP, you need to find a better balance and not beat yourself up for time away from your child or husband. You need to take care of YOU before you can take care of anyone else. If you fall apart, it all falls apart. Your husband, by saying what he said, appears to be open to letting you have some time to yourself too. So, tell him what you need and then follow through!

Sometimes, my husband gets into a lazy pattern too. When that happens, I purposely leave some errands and housework for the weekend (I typically take care of everything during the week, so to my husband, it magically appears as though everything gets cleaned, restocked, and put in order by elves overnight). Yesterday was a random day off for him so since the kids are on spring break, we spent the day running errands...Costco, Target, Grocery Store, car wash, post office, trip to base for new ID cards. My husband was DYING by 2pm (we started at 10am) because he was "so tired." I was like, "welcome to my daily life." He passed out hard on the couch when we got home. When he woke up, he said "that sucked." I just laughed and said "still want to be a stay at home dad?" (something he jokingly says a lot, because he assumes it means he can play video games all day while the kids are at school). He was like "no, I'm good."

Sometimes men just don't realize how much we are responsible for. I blame it on their mothers....and I'm guilty as a mom of sons who has a hard time making them do things they are capable of, because I like doing things for them. But, yeah, yesterday I realized I should probably teach my 12 year old how to make his own PB&J because HE'S TWELVE. In my head, he's still a little boy who needs me to make his lunch every day. But he's not.

Good stuff here - thank you. I didn't even think about that I am teaching my 4 year old to be the same way by doing everything for him - I appreciate that you called me out on that too. I want to raise a son who is there for his wife in every way

I had to start asking DH to do things that I normally did. 'Can you do X for me?' He always says yes. What I've had to learn over the past 25 years is to not expect it to be done MY way and to accept however he does it. It may irritate me but I've had to let it go.

Some men have blinders and they have to be told when housework needs to be done. They think if you aren't saying anything you must be good.

I agree about finding something for yourself, even if it's once a month to do that you enjoy. This will give Dad and child special bonding time too.

He definitely needs to spend more time with our son. I do need to find ways to force that.

Honestly, some men are just that oblivious. For real. It really usually comes down to how their own mother ran the house and how much they were expected to do growing up. My husband's mother absolutely smothered her sons and enabled them. My husband left for college at 17 with NO IDEA how to do laundry, cook anything, buy clothes, clean house, grocery shop, balance a checkbook, etc. He had been catered to his whole life. His brother lived at home until age 32, for no reason other than my MIL didn't want him to move out. He moved out but she STILL pays his cell phone and car insurance. She has a very hard time "cutting the cord." When we got married at age 22, she told my parents "This is the saddest day of my life. I'm losing my son."

It is no wonder some men end up expecting their wives to run the show and literally don't know what it takes to do so. My husband has gotten WAY better over the years because I am NOT his mother and I made that clear from the get go. He is fully capable of doing everything I do (except cook...he is not a good cook), but he sometimes slips into the lazy mode and has to be pulled out.

Truth

I think you make a fair point, but there’s always another side to things. Sure, maybe he can see the laundry needs to be put away, but maybe he just doesn’t really care that it gets put away RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Or, maybe he doesn’t care for her hovering over him while he does it.

My wife has taken 5 overnight/weekend trips with her girlfriends since the beginning of the school year and each time has come home to a house that’s in better shape than when she left. That doesn’t mean there weren’t dirty dishes on the table overnight or piles of laundry in random places during her absence though. There were.

Thank you for a guy's perspective.

When my husband and I were first married I did everything (baby, worked full time, school at night, cleaning) and eventually I had a mini breakdown about it. I learned that he grew up with his mom doing everything (working full time, taking care of the house, cleaning and cooking) and in his mind that is how things worked.

We had a huge fight and I straight out said that is not the way things were going to be in our house. We've been married 15 years and have come to a nice balance but it was not easy road and still isn't perfect. I'm terrible about saying things that need to be done but not specifically asking him to do them, like I'll mention there's a lot of laundry but don't ask him to do it. If I ask him to do something he does do it but not right away and usually not the way I want it done but that's where I need to let go of my control issues. We also have different definitions of cleaning and his does not include mopping but I've gotten over it.

Mainly I just want to tell you that you are not alone and that many of us have had these same issues. I had a lot of resentment towards my husband and at the same time I felt a little bit like a failure because I couldn't do it all but once I let it all out things improved and now those feelings are long gone.

I think we can fix this too, we both have a lot to work on.

Just one question - Would your life be better with or without him?

I have told him many times - long before this fight - I do 100% NEED AND WANT him in our lives. Nothing will change that. If I didn't, I wouldn't care about fixing this. I want us to have a happy healthy family.

You sound like my SIL.. she has 3 kids. Her 2 sons and her DH.. She totally Martyrs herself.. Think your situation is the classic one where perhaps marriage theraphy will help in communicating everyone's needs. though I can understand if you dont want to or you dont want to bring this to DH up.. Maybe start with yourself. I would test DH IF and only IF you are willing to change. This is maybe where theraphy just for you may help... You are critizing your situation.. So ok.. Go ask yourself what is your ideal situation.. if you had a magic wand that could change people what would YOU first do...


In your case..I would find a hobby myself or joing a gym.. Test DH and and say Wednesdays I will go from the job to the gym and I excpect you take care of kids and have dinner ready for when I am home.. .. or go to gym later and have him take care of getting kids ready for bed, in bed and kithcen clean.

BTW SIL still does things for her grown kids... her DS age 37 still brings laundry home on weekends for HER to do.. he is single but jeeezzzuss

I do need to get back in the gym!!

The problem is, it's not just her life. Even if her life would be better without him, they have a kid together...which makes it WAY more complicated.

I don't want our family to break up - ever! I want to fix our issues.

I leave husband notes, lists, etc if need be. Work is divided equally. We both work.
This should not be an emotional issue. Sit down and discuss it rationally and calmly.

Both parties get "me time".

I do like the list idea another poster mentioned- may start that this weekend.

You set the stage for the way things are in your life. Not right to take it out on DH or be disappointed in him. He has done what he has and you haven't voiced you concern.

I always say I'm an "old fashion" wife. I love to do it all, cooking, cleaning, make DH lunch every morning and send him out the door with a hot cup of coffee. It's what I do - and I WANT to do. Now - do I have times where I need help? Sure and I'm good about either asking for help or suggesting he and DD go take a long, long drive to give me time to get whatever done this usually happens before I'm hosting a party. We've been together long enough now that DH knows when to give me my time - and I cherish it!!

I am too an "old fashion" wife - and honestly I'm not complaining about what I do. I am really not even complaining about what he doesn't do. I am complaining about the life that he gets to live that I don't. But at the same time - I honestly don't want my life to be like his - missing that much time with my son - I just build up the jealousy and resentment as its happening day to day in my face.

Ask, ask, ask, ask. S-P-E-L-L it out. I think most husbands, mine included, when left to their own plans will veer towards spending their non-working hours doing projects or hobbies related to their interest. The thought "oh, I have the next hour free...let me either clean the kitchen or take the kids to the grocery store" just doesn't come to them. This isn't a dig on men and I'm not saying all men are like this.

At dinner time--ASK for what you need help with. Can you round up the kids and get them to the table? Can you get drinks? Can you please clear the table, etc. Say you can't do bedtime on your own--ask if he'd like to do the oldest or youngest bedtime. If he doesn't know what to do, show him. If you need to work on a chore while he is lounging, go up to him, say what you are trying to accomplish and ask him to help you do it because you would like to have some downtime as well.

I'm a full time working mom of 3 kids 4 and under--I get it. I felt tons of resentment toward my husband the first 6 months of my first daughter's life. I felt like my life had been turned upside down and his just kept going as it had pre-kids with the exception of holding the baby a bit here and there. Four years and 2 more kids later, things are a lot better. Some things I had to ask for before are now habit for him--he's helping me clean up after dinner, we tackle bedtimes together etc. It's not perfect and it's not 50/50 but we are in a much better place.

Couldn't be more truth here. I know now that its not going to happen if I don't ask. So ask - or there's not excuse for me to be angry about it.

 

[cabanafrau]

I'm surprised at the number of people giving the OP's husband a pass here. He has eyes. I'm sure he's not stupid. Why is it the OP's job to make him do what needs to be done? To leave notes, to assign him chores? I thought men and women were all the same. So why isn't he able to jump in and contribute without the motherly hand holding? I really don't get it.

That said, it is what it is at this point. There needs to be some negotiation and some deal making. Blaming at this point won't help. But OP, I wouldn't be so fast to shoulder all of the blame. I actually find it pretty manipulative of the husband to immediately blame her.

That's a possibility absolutely. There's also indications in OP's own words that she shares some of the responsibility for setting up housekeeping on the teeter totter. Bottom line is they've got to find more stable, balanced ground to live on, together.

 

[Piglet843]

I'm surprised at the number of people giving the OP's husband a pass here. He has eyes. I'm sure he's not stupid. Why is it the OP's job to make him do what needs to be done? To leave notes, to assign him chores? I thought men and women were all the same. So why isn't he able to jump in and contribute without the motherly hand holding? I really don't get it.

That said, it is what it is at this point. There needs to be some negotiation and some deal making. Blaming at this point won't help. But OP, I wouldn't be so fast to shoulder all of the blame. I actually find it pretty manipulative of the husband to immediately blame her.

I kinda had that thought too - Why should I have to ask? Why do you not see? But living with that assumption is not working for us either.
Thank you for your perspective. Clearly we are both at blame for letting things get like this and both have things to work on.

 

[gillep]

I'm surprised at the number of people giving the OP's husband a pass here. He has eyes. I'm sure he's not stupid. Why is it the OP's job to make him do what needs to be done? To leave notes, to assign him chores? I thought men and women were all the same. So why isn't he able to jump in and contribute without the motherly hand holding? I really don't get it.

That said, it is what it is at this point. There needs to be some negotiation and some deal making. Blaming at this point won't help. But OP, I wouldn't be so fast to shoulder all of the blame. I actually find it pretty manipulative of the husband to immediately blame her.

In my experience men and women are absolutely not the same, we process things differently and approach things differently. My life got a whole lot easier when I started to understand that just because I see the world one way does not mean that my husband sees it the same way. I also don't see it as shouldering all the blame, they are equally 'to blame' in this situation, but it is the OP who is here asking for suggestions and perspective not her husband.

 

[dish rag]

People mostly don't change. Many men act like helpless idiots. Most women want a man who knows how to treat them. My wife is my treasure. I would move on from him now. You eventually will any way.

 

[mom2rtk]

In my experience men and women are absolutely not the same, we process things differently and approach things differently. My life got a whole lot easier when I started to understand that just because I see the world one way does not mean that my husband sees it the same way. I also don't see it as shouldering all the blame, they are equally 'to blame' in this situation, but it is the OP who is here asking for suggestions and perspective not her husband.

Yeah, I really don't think we're the same either. Which is why I choke on all the comments I see these days claiming that they are.

Regardless of how we see the world though, both should be shouldering the responsibility of taking care of what needs to be done at home. OP should not be the one making him do his share. That said, they've worked their way into a bad pattern at this point and it will likely require some of that to get out of it. I just don't thinks she should be so fast to take the blame. And I don't think he should have been so fast to assign the blame on her.

 

[mom2rtk]

I kinda had that thought too - Why should I have to ask? Why do you not see? But living with that assumption is not working for us either.
Thank you for your perspective. Clearly we are both at blame for letting things get like this and both have things to work on.

I agree. If notes and very specific directions are what it takes, then definitely do it.

Just don't be so quick to assume all of the blame is yours.