Everything I knew about myself has been broke

[focusondisney]

Thank you - I am praying that this is the time we can get our life going back down a better path. We do have a good marriage - we are "that" couple from the outside looking in. I do hope he is thinking harder about some things today, and maybe this weekend will provide the opportunity to turn things back around.

My first post was not originally meant to be geared towards that he doesn't help out... I meant for the "single guy" issues I am resenting to stand out as I typed this up...

He did want to start a family - in fact he started the talks when I was the one hesitant. I am 37 - he will be 40 this summer. We are too old for this crap.... This is a deep problem that has been there and was just exacerbated by having a child.

I guess that is a good take away: you never know how good a marriage is from the outside. You are "that couple" to others & yet you still have a deep problem that is making you very unhappy. I hope you can have the hard discussions with your husband to get your marriage & family life back on the track that will make you all happy.

 

[LSUmiss]

Not knowing the whole story, he MAY have a point - to an extent. If you’ve never made any effort to get away or expressed such a desire, he may be oblivious (and yeah, that’s on him too). Demand some “me time” for yourself and see what happens.

A lot of people take on the martyr role, particularly mothers. They complain about being the only one who can get it all done, but they resist every attempt from the others in the house to actually help. If you insist on being in charge of everything, you’re kind of stuck with all the downsides of that.

I don’t think that’s entirely the case here, but it might at least be a factor.

Bottom line, put your foot down and see how he reacts. If he steps up, then you need to acknowledge that he has done so. If he doesn’t, then it’s another story.

Good luck.

I agree with this. I see so many women I know do this. I don’t get it. They wait for their husbands or other ppl to offer help. They have the mentality that their husbands or kids or whomever should “want to help”. I don’t give anyone that much credit. I think most ppl will try to get away with as much as they can. If you’re sitting on your butt doing nothing, I have no problem asking for help.

Also seems to be a communication issue in the relationship if you have to have alcohol to feel comfortable enough to say something.

 

[lifesavacation]

I'm a work in progress, too. At some point I did go see a therapist to work through some of my resentment towards my husband. And I am so glad I did. Before therapy, I really believed that I had no choice but to do X, Y, Z. And then I'd do it and be resentful. It took me months to recognize that I did have a choice and that I wasn't being forced to do anything. And I also learned to speak up for myself. I didn't want to disagree or nag or be needy so I avoided those situations and did everything on my own. Over time, our relationship has gotten much better. I'm not resentful anymore. When I need help, I ask for it. And I don't avoid difficult conversations. Anyways, I know that someone else mentioned therapy. You don't necessarily need couple's therapy to work through issues. I really believed going into therapy that my problem was my husband, and it turned out to be more about me.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I had a lot of good advice, but other people already gave it.

I think it's probably a good idea to give the therapist a call. You seem way more emotional about this than I would think is healthy. It could be because you're worn out, or it could be a bit of depression. Best to hash it out with her.

And I would approach DH and ask him to sit down with you so you guys can first decide what must be done around the house (his idea of a clean neat house might be different than yours, but just as valid) and then decide who is going to do what. Also maybe once a month, you could schedule quality time with your child - purposefully make it something special (go to an ethnic market and choose a new fruit to try, go for a hike, volunteer playing with puppies at the humane society, make cards and deliver them to a nursing home, take a picnic to the park...) so that you will feel good about the consistent meaningful time you're spending with your child and it's not all chores or helping them with homework/hygiene/life.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

I just can't believe in 2018 we are still having to have this discussion.

Why can't you believe it?

 

[LSUmiss]

I am confused, within two replies on the same page you say that you imagine today he feels normal and thinking you have things you need to work on about yourself -- then a few posts later you hope he is thinking harder about some things today, as if you genuinely expect that's a possibility? This just does not sound like thoughts that reasonably coexist about one's spouse, especially when you emphatically state that you will have to implement the changes because he will not do so himself.

It can be an extremely difficult thing for people to change their natural body clock, which is what his long-term pattern sounds like. You need to have reasonable expectations here, possibly an immediate goal of working towards an hour earlier to bed, an hour up earlier in the morning -- opening up the possibility of spending the extra evening hour with you and/or your son. I'd imagine it would be extremely difficult to shift more than a maximum of two hours on each end, but I don't think there's anything wrong with pushing hard for him to make the effort for your family.

It is hard to change your body clock, but when you have kids or whatever other responsibilities-TOUGH! My DH & I are both night ppl, but I’ll be darned if he gets to stay up late & sleep in late, while I suck up being on the baby’s schedule. Luckily that’s not an issue for us b/c he knows better. I don’t know if OP is just an earlier riser & so she gets up anyway, but if that were me, I’d wake DH up too. I don’t care what time he stays up to b/c he’s an adult, but we will not sleep in while I’m up doing everything.

 

[LSUmiss]

DH has not changed. He has always had his own schedule/timeline. He has never needed to carry more weight around the house. I knew that when I married him. But it was much easier for me to adjust and deal with before we had kids. What has changed is now we have a very high energy 4 year old, who does not sleep in and who I want DH to spend time with, and I also want DH to pick up more slack.
Sometimes it feels like he doesn't want to or isn't even trying to.
I do expect him to change now because our lives have changed.

I agree maybe I should put more into our marriage - like it used to be - but these days - a lot of time I don't want to - I feel like I am getting nothing in return. So I guess that is on me for not doing that. Something I will work on.

Now this is the part I would have a problem with for sure. I would have a sit down with him & see if you can tease out the issue. Is it b/c he’s become stand-of fish b/c you spend so much time with him & maybe tend to monopolize his time or is there something deeper or more going on.

 

[longboard55]

Your husband gave you the right answer. If you need help ask, and start living your life instead of worrying about others. That is what he is doing

 

[Eureka]

I get where you're coming from because when my kids were little I freelanced from the house and did almost all the cooking, housework, etc. The exception was childcare. He always did as much at night and on weekends as I did. We would ask each other "which one (kid) do you want tonight?" But I would ask my Dh why he didn't help more around the house when I felt overwhelmed and he said because I didn't ask. I also felt guilty going out by myself for longer than an hour or so. Good news: the kids are now 15 and 17 and I have been back at work full time for 5 years and I never feel guilty going out anymore. Obviously, they are older and more self-sufficient but also Dh encouraged me to go out bc as he says "you always come back happier, and we are all happier." Also, as soon as I went back to work full time (with a long commute), he rearranged his schedule to be home more for the kids (school pick ups etc) and started doing laundry and cooking as much as I did. Now, there are still things he doesn't do "my way" that drive me bananas, and he still does things on his own timetable, but I rarely feel resentful anymore. Your Dh is telling you how to get what you want: tell him what he can help with (I know, I felt like I shouldn't have to ask but that didn't get me far) in the house and take time for yourself. Your child will not be deprived if you go out for an evening and you will likely feel refreshed too.

Oh and @DLgal, I still make my DS17's lunch. He *can* do it (and DS15 likes to make his own) but I don't mind and he has so much else going on that I don't make him do it. That said, I do need to teach them to cook things like chicken that don't come out of a box, lol.

 

[cabanafrau]

It is hard to change your body clock, but when you have kids or whatever other responsibilities-TOUGH! My DH & I are both night ppl, but I’ll be darned if he gets to stay up late & sleep in late, while I suck up being on the baby’s schedule. Luckily that’s not an issue for us b/c he knows better. I don’t know if OP is just an earlier riser & so she gets up anyway, but if that were me, I’d wake DH up too. I don’t care what time he stays up to b/c he’s an adult, but we will not sleep in while I’m up doing everything.

I was hardly suggesting the possibility he has a different body clock excuses him from any responsibilities, not at all. I also wouldn't recommend she approach the issue as TOUGH! with her husband as a way of opening the discussion seeking a solution. It may well end up that way, but odds of reaching an agreeable solution are better if you don't begin the conversation from that stance because it leaves very little room for two, which is presumably a big part of the objective.

 

[longboard55]

You look back at the days when your kids are 4 and realize they are the best years of your life and you will be thrilled you spent every precious minute available enjoying the time.

 

[cabanafrau]

You look back at the days when your kids are 4 and realize they are the best years of your life and you will be thrilled you spent every precious minute available enjoying the time.

Hopefully you play your cards well and get to share the looking back with your spouse -- and the looking forward to enjoying the great moments now and in the future as a couple and a family.

 

[Eureka]

DH has not changed. He has always had his own schedule/timeline. He has never needed to carry more weight around the house. I knew that when I married him. But it was much easier for me to adjust and deal with before we had kids. What has changed is now we have a very high energy 4 year old, who does not sleep in and who I want DH to spend time with, and I also want DH to pick up more slack.
Sometimes it feels like he doesn't want to or isn't even trying to.
I do expect him to change now because our lives have changed.

I agree maybe I should put more into our marriage - like it used to be - but these days - a lot of time I don't want to - I feel like I am getting nothing in return. So I guess that is on me for not doing that. Something I will work on.

So on the weekends, why are you getting out of bed with DS? You can always tell him to "ask Daddy" for breakfast or whatever. Easier said than done...I like my sleep and DH gets up early so he usually didn't mind letting me sleep in but there's no reason in my mind you have to be the one to jump up on the weekends.

 

[focusondisney]

You look back at the days when your kids are 4 and realize they are the best years of your life and you will be thrilled you spent every precious minute available enjoying the time.

I have been married almost 40 years, my kids are in their mid 30’s. I loved my babies to death. I still love my kids just as much & cherish any time with them. I am of the mindset that any time with my loved ones is the best time. I don’t look back as the best years being past. I am so lucky to have happy memories but they don’t make today less than.

I have been following the other thread “how fast it all changed”. It really makes you appreciate each precious day we have with our loved ones. I really hope the OP can work through this & come out happier.

 

[wgeo]

Your husband gave you the right answer. If you need help ask, and start living your life instead of worrying about others. That is what he is doing

Except of course that they have a 4 year old child, and when you have a 4 year old child you are REQUIRED to worry about others, it's part of the job. So it is simply not acceptable for one parent to shoulder that responsiblity while the other parent gets to "live their life instead of worrying about others"

 

[wgeo]

Now this is the part I would have a problem with for sure. I would have a sit down with him & see if you can tease out the issue. Is it b/c he’s become stand-of fish b/c you spend so much time with him & maybe tend to monopolize his time or is there something deeper or more going on.

sorry I just have to ask - what does Stand-of fish mean? I have never heard that one before.

 

[Iya]

sorry I just have to ask - what does Stand-of fish mean? I have never heard that one before.

I would guess standoffish autocorrected.

 

[Iya]

Your husband gave you the right answer. If you need help ask, and start living your life instead of worrying about others. That is what he is doing

Part of being a parent is literally worrying about others. One parent doesn't get to abdicate that responsibility.

 

[gotomu212]

You’ve mentioned the sleeping in as a big flash point a couple of times and I have a husband that also keeps night owl hours and I get the annoyance.
-You mentioned that you haven’t slept past 7 am in 4 years. On the bright side, that is something you can start fixing now if you want. At age 4 one great parenting trick is to get an old fashioned clock with hands (not digital) for his room. You color code it and set rules so for example he can’t get out of bed when the clock is red before 7 am, he needs to play quietly in his room/watch cartoons until the clock is yellow until maybe 8:30 or 9, when the clock is green he can come wake up mommy or daddy to play. Leave a bowl of cereal all ready without the milk if he’s one that needs to eat right when he wakes. It takes a little practice but this is totally an age appropriate and exciting milestone for a 4 year old.

-Your husband also said you should ask for help so I think one of the things you should say is I need you to take over with Bobby at 9:30. When 9:30 rolls around if he’s not up then you can nicely go in and says Bobby’s ready I’m sending him in. It’s not your problem if he’s exhausted maybe next time he’ll go to sleep earlier maybe not but you don’t need to judge whether he’s doing it “right” just that it’s 9:30 and you get a break.

-I know it really bothers you that he’s not spending enough time with your son and I really do get that. I think setting up more times when he’s on his own with him will help because you don’t have much of a choice but to interact when it’s two of you and if there’s anything subconscious preference going on that isn’t an issue. However I would recognize that there are differences in how much time some people spend with their children and to a certain extent that’s okay. You like to spend almost all available time with your son and that’s great, but it doesn’t automatically make you a better or worse parent than someone who prefers spending some time away from kids pursuing a hobby or personal relaxation. Obviously you have to find the appropriate balance and it sounds like your husband needs to put in more time. Just don’t assume that if he isn’t putting in 3 hours a night and 14 hours on the weekend it makes him uncaring (this is also a great thing to talk about in therapy to see if your expectations are both reasonable and achievable).

 

[Southernmiss]

You’ve mentioned the sleeping in as a big flash point a couple of times and I have a husband that also keeps night owl hours and I get the annoyance.
-You mentioned that you haven’t slept past 7 am in 4 years. On the bright side, that is something you can start fixing now if you want. At age 4 one great parenting trick is to get an old fashioned clock with hands (not digital) for his room. You color code it and set rules so for example he can’t get out of bed when the clock is red before 7 am, he needs to play quietly in his room/watch cartoons until the clock is yellow until maybe 8:30 or 9, when the clock is green he can come wake up mommy or daddy to play. Leave a bowl of cereal all ready without the milk if he’s one that needs to eat right when he wakes. It takes a little practice but this is totally an age appropriate and exciting milestone for a 4 year old.

-Your husband also said you should ask for help so I think one of the things you should say is I need you to take over with Bobby at 9:30. When 9:30 rolls around if he’s not up then you can nicely go in and says Bobby’s ready I’m sending him in. It’s not your problem if he’s exhausted maybe next time he’ll go to sleep earlier maybe not but you don’t need to judge whether he’s doing it “right” just that it’s 9:30 and you get a break.

-I know it really bothers you that he’s not spending enough time with your son and I really do get that. I think setting up more times when he’s on his own with him will help because you don’t have much of a choice but to interact when it’s two of you and if there’s anything subconscious preference going on that isn’t an issue. However I would recognize that there are differences in how much time some people spend with their children and to a certain extent that’s okay. You like to spend almost all available time with your son and that’s great, but it doesn’t automatically make you a better or worse parent than someone who prefers spending some time away from kids pursuing a hobby or personal relaxation. Obviously you have to find the appropriate balance and it sounds like your husband needs to put in more time. Just don’t assume that if he isn’t putting in 3 hours a night and 14 hours on the weekend it makes him uncaring (this is also a great thing to talk about in therapy to see if your expectations are both reasonable and achievable).

A lot of great non judgmental advice already given.

I just wanted to expand on the part about the four year old being able to do more for his own care.

That's an excellent point if op is not already doing that. It's so important to begin to teach our preschool kids things that they can do for themselves. That might be another avenue that the Op needs to work on so that she can get more time for herself.