Let's keep those family issues going - birthdays

[aprilgail]

He has 2. Yes. I win that prize, I have 5. His oldest is 4 and only goes to daycare. My oldest three do dance, the oldest two do cheerleading.



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I think attending 5 birthday parties a year just for one family's kids is a lot to ask, especially if you have other siblings with kids who also have family birthday parties- heck that could tie up more than 1 day every single month with a kids birthday party if you have a few siblings and they each have kids.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I think attending 5 birthday parties a year just for one family's kids is a lot to ask, especially if you have other siblings with kids who also have family birthday parties- heck that could tie up more than 1 day every single month with a kids birthday party if you have a few siblings and they each have kids.

I understand what you're saying, but that's how our family has always operated. Birthdays are family occasions for us. I know it isn't that way for a lot of families, but it is for us. DH's family isn't that way, and that's cool. I still invite them to our kids' parties, sometimes they come sometimes they don't. Brother's wife invites her entire extended family to their son's parties (great grand parents, great aunts, uncles, cousins, etc).

It can be exhausting but it is nice to get the kids together that the cousins can play together as they're all close in age. They love it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I'm the youngest of 5. One brother is our of the equation (LONG story there), but the rest of us are relatively tight knit.

For the second year in a row, my brother is not coming to my one daughter's birthday. Last year the excuse was "If we are up early enough we will come." It was at 1 pm, and they have a son who was 3.

This year, supposedly her niece's party is at the same time and they already said they'd go. Well, when I texted my brother last week about DH welding something for him, he said "Either day next weekend is fine, just let me know." I responded, "Well, we are having DD5 birthday on Saturday, so let's plan for Sunday." He said nothing and he knew he was invited.

They come to about half of my kids' birthdays and bring presents for some of them. I don't care if they do or don't, but wish they'd be consistent. And it hurts that for the second year it will be my family, my sister and my parents and that's it for her. (We are doing 2 parties this year - one for my side and one for DH's because of timing). My other brother had to work so he and his son are hanging out with her on Friday.

I would never skip out on my nephew's (and niece now too) birthdays. It just seems like DD5 gets the short end of the stick being born right after Christmas and he can't ever take the time to come to her parties but comes to some of her sisters'. I just wish he would be consistent. Either come or don't. DD5 is going to eventually notice.

I am SOOOOO glad I am done with that crap.

Birthday invites are not a summons. He does not care to come to your house for some reason, because now you see a pattern. You can ask him directly if you want to know the truth.

Just invite him and that is it. No calling, no begging, etc...Let it go.

Be happy if he shows up. Sort of like the "Prodigal Son" story.

I say this because your post states you would not do that to them. Here is the rub, you WILL probably do that to them when the kids are older. People get busy and conflicts with plans happen eventually. Let it ride.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I would like to add I don't feel obligated to go to all of these parties/events I go to. I go because I like to go and I enjoy spending the time with mine or SO's family. There's minimal drama and everyone gets along.

Now if there's something else on the agenda (softball game, DS has work, another party, my football team is in the playoffs - Eagles I'm looking at you!!!) we politely decline and I don't feel bad about it. But we usually make an effort to at least show our faces even if it's just for an hour.

There has been a time or two that we've said yes and cancelled because we just needed a day to stay home and relax. With two kids and lots of friends/family that have lots of events sometimes we just need a day to decompress.

Luckily everyone is within 10-20 minutes. SO does have one family member that moved 45 minutes away and LOVES to host events. We've had to decline because it's harder to squeeze in an hour visit when DS needs a ride to work in between the party times.

 

[gillep]

I understand what you're saying, but that's how our family has always operated. Birthdays are family occasions for us. I know it isn't that way for a lot of families, but it is for us. DH's family isn't that way, and that's cool. I still invite them to our kids' parties, sometimes they come sometimes they don't. Brother's wife invites her entire extended family to their son's parties (great grand parents, great aunts, uncles, cousins, etc).

It can be exhausting but it is nice to get the kids together that the cousins can play together as they're all close in age. They love it.

I get that this is how your family has always operated, but things change, and that's ok too. All of your siblings' families are growing, and adapting to the many changes that come along with that growth. Sometimes, it just isn't possible to do things the way that they have always been done. You are adding more personalities to the mix, and extended families and their schedules and needs, as well as more activities as everyone's children get involved in more things.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Birthday invites are not a summons. He does not care to come to your house for some reason, because now you see a pattern.

I've answered this sort of thing a couple of times in this thread, but understand you may have not read all the responses. No, of course they aren't a summons. My other brother can't come. My sister hasn't made it on occasion either. That's fine. Life happens. It is the lying I take issue with and I am convinced (for reasons I typed out in earlier responses) that he is lying to me. If he had said, I'm sorry, we can't make it, I wouldn't have even asked why!

And as mentioned elsewhere, it is at my mother's house, not mine, as it is more central to where we all live. And he has no issue going there.

I say this because your post states you would not do that to them. Here is the rub, you WILL probably do that to them when the kids are older.

No I won't. Meaning I won't lie. I had to be late to his son's party this year and told him so. I told him why. The girls' dance teacher had requested I help her at the studio with something and I had already committed to. We went to his house (about 2 hours from the dance studio) immediately afterwards.

If I can't make it to one of his functions, I will tell him and either tell him why or not tell him why but certainly not make something up.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, if you think he is lying why don't you just say to him it is OK if you don't come to dd's party. Is he lying because there is some understanding that one must be at the party?

 

[MamaBelle4]

OP, if you think he is lying why don't you just say to him it is OK if you don't come to dd's party. Is he lying because there is some understanding that one must be at the party?

I did say that to him. I've said it before to other siblings and to him. And I usually say DD's party is this time, let me know if you can make it." And that's it. It is the lie that is making me crazy.

If you want me to be honest with you on why I think he's lying, I think it is his wife. She has started to refuse to come to family functions for about a year now. I think she was there last Christmas? I think he's tired of making excuses for her, or of people asking where she is. He usually brings his son. This past Christmas, Nephew was upset because Mommy wasn't there, so brother said that the real reason Nephew was upset was because my newborn baby (born 12/13) tried to kiss him. I didn't even respond because it made absolutely no sense. After he left he called my mom and said he spoke to Nephew and Nephew was upset because Mom didn't come too.

So I think my brother is being pitted between spending time with his family, or upsetting his son because his wife won't come around anymore. If I was him, I'd pick what didn't upset my child 9/10, so I don't blame him. He's in a rough spot. And, as I've said, it makes me sad. But he doesn't have to lie to me. Just a simple, hey we can't make it. I like to think I'm an understanding person, but I cannot tolerate being lied to. It makes me irrationally angry.

 

[gotomu212]

I understand what you're saying, but that's how our family has always operated. Birthdays are family occasions for us. I know it isn't that way for a lot of families, but it is for us. DH's family isn't that way, and that's cool. I still invite them to our kids' parties, sometimes they come sometimes they don't. Brother's wife invites her entire extended family to their son's parties (great grand parents, great aunts, uncles, cousins, etc).

It can be exhausting but it is nice to get the kids together that the cousins can play together as they're all close in age. They love it.

I understand you’re sad, but you keep saying this is how you family operates - except it sounds like that’s not ideal or working for 2 of the siblings already. Honestly with 5 kids, and it sounds like they’re older if the youngest is 5 he has probably had to make a lot of appearances over the years for your side. I would try to have a lot of understanding that things might need to change. Now that he has 2, and it sounded like one was a baby, he doesn’t have the time for multiple parties/get togethers a year.

Maybe he’s lying, maybe not, maybe he felt like he had to make up an excuse because he thought you’d be upset with him and he thought he was sparing your feelings.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I understand you’re sad, but you keep saying this is how you family operates - except it sounds like that’s not ideal or working for 2 of the siblings already. Honestly with 5 kids, and it sounds like they’re older if the youngest is 5 he has probably had to make a lot of appearances over the years for your side. I would try to have a lot of understanding that things might need to change. Now that he has 2, and it sounded like one was a baby, he doesn’t have the time for multiple parties/get togethers a year.

Maybe he’s lying, maybe not, maybe he felt like he had to make up an excuse because he thought you’d be upset with him and he thought he was sparing your feelings.

I'm only upset because he lied. He and my other brother and my sister have missed birthdays on plenty of occasions, and that is fine and understandable.

And, for clarification purposes: my oldest is 9, my youngest is 1 month.

ETA so I have the oldest and youngest. (Unless you count my brother who lives 4 hours away, but he's not really in our lives).

 

[lancermom]

I'm only upset because he lied. He and my other brother and my sister have missed birthdays on plenty of occasions, and that is fine and understandable.

And, for clarification purposes: my oldest is 9, my youngest is 1 month.

ETA so I have the oldest and youngest. (Unless you count my brother who lives 4 hours away, but he's not really in our lives).

Right now, you are just assuming he lied, and then placing blame for something you don't know to be true (lying about not being able to attend) on his wife. That's not cool.

 

[design_mom]

I just wanted to say that I understand your frustration, OP.

My SIL and her husband are very much like that. If it's something that you plan, they might come, but they might decline or (worse) say they'll come and then cancel at the last minute for some very not-very-good (to me) reason. That's frustrating. It's especially frustrating because if *they* plan something, they will get very annoyed if you can't attend (no matter how good the reason.) They wan't/expect you to move heaven and earth to clear a conflict and get very upset if you can't/won't.

They are very self-centered people (and it's not *just* their party-attending habits that make me say that) and sometimes I honestly think they really must NOT be able to look at a situation from any perspective other than what THEY want at that moment. My kids are 13 and 17, and yes, they eventually noticed. But to them, that's just how this aunt/uncle are. And we've talked about how you cannot control other people, you can only control yourself. It sucks, but all you can do is make sure you don't behave in the same way.

Edit: I do think there could be other possibilities based on JUST this incident including 1) Maybe they do have a conflict and the brother just forgot, 2) Maybe the wife lied about having a conflict and the brother didn't realize, etc. But I also know when things like this happen over and over again, sometimes it becomes tiresome to justify all the "maybes" that make it better. It sometimes just sucks.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Right now, you are just assuming he lied, and then placing blame for something you don't know to be true (lying about not being able to attend) on his wife. That's not cool.

You know, maybe it isn't cool. I'm not just guessing he lied to me. I am fairly certain. He was free on Saturday until the middle of this week then he had a prior commitment. And he always asks his wife before he makes plans. If they aren't together he will either hang up and call her or wait until they are together to make plans. Every time. So if there was this party on Saturday, he would have said, "Soandsos party is on Saturday. Can your DH come and weld that thing for me on Sunday?" I know this because I know my brother.

And I was asked why I think he's lying. The behavior of his wife (which they've been married for nearly 11 years and together for probably close to 20) this past year is the only difference in our family dynamic I can see. I don't know why she has withdrawn from our family. We used to be super close. I threw them their baby shower when they were expecting their son. We (that brother and his wife) and me and DH used to go camping together when we were all dating. Obviously that was years ago. When their son was first born, I stayed home, so I watched him for a couple months until they determined my mom's was more convenient. But I do admit I am speculating on the reason of why he lied.

 

[MamaBelle4]

But I also know when things like this happen over and over again, sometimes it becomes tiresome to justify all the "maybes" that make it better.

Exactly. I'm only really sharing this one, but it isn't a standalone occurance. And thank you, your relationship with your sibling sounds eeriely similar.

 

[cabanafrau]

I did say that to him. I've said it before to other siblings and to him. And I usually say DD's party is this time, let me know if you can make it." And that's it. It is the lie that is making me crazy.

If you want me to be honest with you on why I think he's lying, I think it is his wife. She has started to refuse to come to family functions for about a year now. I think she was there last Christmas? I think he's tired of making excuses for her, or of people asking where she is. He usually brings his son. This past Christmas, Nephew was upset because Mommy wasn't there, so brother said that the real reason Nephew was upset was because my newborn baby (born 12/13) tried to kiss him. I didn't even respond because it made absolutely no sense. After he left he called my mom and said he spoke to Nephew and Nephew was upset because Mom didn't come too.

So I think my brother is being pitted between spending time with his family, or upsetting his son because his wife won't come around anymore. If I was him, I'd pick what didn't upset my child 9/10, so I don't blame him. He's in a rough spot. And, as I've said, it makes me sad. But he doesn't have to lie to me. Just a simple, hey we can't make it. I like to think I'm an understanding person, but I cannot tolerate being lied to. It makes me irrationally angry.

Purely as devil's advocate I would say the following. First, my MIL is infamous on her own side of the family for laying the blame for any infraction, real or simply perceived on her part, on the spouse with no blood ties. There is currently quite the dustup she created out of whole cloth and blames on her 80-something year old SIL because MIL is positive her 90-year old brother is only agreeing with SIL on something because he has to, not because the feelings he expresses are his own.

Second, it may be that your brother no longer shares the affinity for the volume of family occasions that you, your sister and parents seem to. It sounds like he's the parent of two young children, something that is taxing even for parents who do love their children. Those circumstances also apply to his wife. Maybe in the thick of parenting two young children they're feeling overwhelmed and in need of more "me" time. (I get that you have a newborn and four other children, but I beg of you not to even allow thoughts of you having several children and still making time for extended family. Not all people find the grind of parenthood so easy to roll with. I can guarantee you that I wouldn't have time on a discussion board when either of mine were newborns. That's not trying to take a dig at you, but to point out some people have different needs or even struggles that they may not care to share.)

Third, your last sentence might merit some thought on your part. Are you being a bit irrationally angry over a minor issue? Maybe consider whether there's any room to believe your brother might think it's easier to make a white lie than have to answer a laundry list of rebuttals from you about why they really should come to the party, how much they'll be missed, how much it would mean to your daughter, how much fun the kids would have playing together, etc? Yes, I know you say hey, we can't make it is enough, but the fact you've come up with a counterpoint to so many of the points raised in this discussion make me question your sincerity. That doesn't mean you're a bad person or a selfish person either. It's totally legit that you would simply miss them being there and sincerely wish your nephew could be there to play with his cousins and be disappointed it's not happening. Of course we want to see the people we love as often as we can.

 

[bethy]

I did say that to him. I've said it before to other siblings and to him. And I usually say DD's party is this time, let me know if you can make it." And that's it. It is the lie that is making me crazy.

If you want me to be honest with you on why I think he's lying, I think it is his wife. She has started to refuse to come to family functions for about a year now. I think she was there last Christmas? I think he's tired of making excuses for her, or of people asking where she is. He usually brings his son. This past Christmas, Nephew was upset because Mommy wasn't there, so brother said that the real reason Nephew was upset was because my newborn baby (born 12/13) tried to kiss him. I didn't even respond because it made absolutely no sense. After he left he called my mom and said he spoke to Nephew and Nephew was upset because Mom didn't come too.

So I think my brother is being pitted between spending time with his family, or upsetting his son because his wife won't come around anymore. If I was him, I'd pick what didn't upset my child 9/10, so I don't blame him. He's in a rough spot. And, as I've said, it makes me sad. But he doesn't have to lie to me. Just a simple, hey we can't make it. I like to think I'm an understanding person, but I cannot tolerate being lied to. It makes me irrationally angry.

I'll confess that in my past I have told these kinds of lies many times with the intent of avoiding conflict, avoiding hurting feelings and/or to keep the peace. Now that I am older and wiser I know that white lies like this do more harm than good in the long run but it took me half a life time to become strong enough to tell someone "no" matter of factly and without guilt.

I'd cut him some slack and not take things as personally. Also try to do the same for his wife. That will help them feel less defensive around you and possibly open up communications. Accept people for where they are right now in their lives, not who they were or who others expect them to be. They are probably just trying to make some positive changes in their own lifestyle and are going about it awkwardly.

 

[sk!mom]

Oh I had no intention of telling her, but she will notice eventually that he fails to show up.



45 minutes.



The thing is, they are a high priority to him too. He threw a mini temper tantrum because our sister in law was going to bring her son to his son's party in October, and she called to let him know her DS was ill and he threw a hissy fit because he didn't believe her.

If there is a family function, I am there. He used to be like that too. You could always depend on me, him and our sister for any function. He's started withdrawing more and more and more.

Like Christmas. He showed up and immediately asked my mom when lunch was (his wife and baby had elected not to come) and demanded we start opening gifts.

I said "Brother isn't here yet." "Well he should be." I had to argue with him that it was their first Christmas as a family so they're probably trying to start new traditions (they adopted their son this year), and his response was, "Brother is always late."

It just seems, more and more, all that matters to him is how something personally affects him, regardless of anyone else involved.

I would say that was what it was, but he tends to ask his wife "permission" before making any plans.

Your responses sound like you're ready to argue and create an issue, and possibly think that his wife is to "blame."

I just don't see that as a productive attitude if you want to maintain a good relationship. You said in one reply that birthdays are low key so maybe he doesn't realize that it is so important to you Or maybe he's a thoughtless jerk. Either way, it's not a fight I would start. You invited him and he declined. That's the way invitations work.

What I really hate, in families, is that little petty issues like this get turned into relationship damaging issues.

I also disagree that it will ever be an issue for your DD unless you make it so. She will simply view her uncle as inconsistently present. That's really not a problem. Most people have family or friends that we enjoy when they make it to something but know that they cannot be counted on to attend.

 

[MamaBelle4]

I can guarantee you that I wouldn't have time on a discussion board when either of mine were newborns.

Nursing + smart phone equals a lot of free time. There's a reason I'll respond like a fiend for an hour or two, then a gap, then another hour of responses. Today my 2 year old fell asleep on my legs while he was nursing, so we were penned down for 2+ hours. Now he's nursing again.

Are you being a bit irrationally angry over a minor issue? Maybe

Yes. But I am always irrationally angry when I am lied to. I freely admit this. One of my many (MANY) flaws.

Yes, I know you say hey, we can't make it is enough, but the fact you've come up with a counterpoint to so many of the points raised in this discussion make me question your sincerity.

Simply because I feel like I'm not expressing myself well. I was going to upload a screenshot of my response to my other brother when he said he couldn't make it, then realized I forgot to respond. It was a group text that included his wife, so I feel like I was waiting for her to say one way or the other if she could make it, but then forgot to respond at all.ETA: my brother knows who I am, I don't have to keep trying to clarify. Does that make sense? I feel like I'm only conveying half formed thoughts. That's probably why I keep responding like I do.

 

[cabanafrau]

Nursing + smart phone equals a lot of free time. There's a reason I'll respond like a fiend for an hour or two, then a gap, then another hour of responses. Today my 2 year old fell asleep on my legs while he was nursing, so we were penned down for 2+ hours. Now he's nursing again.



Yes. But I am always irrationally angry when I am lied to. I freely admit this. One of my many (MANY) flaws.



Simply because I feel like I'm not expressing myself well. I was going to upload a screenshot of my response to my other brother when he said he couldn't make it, then realized I forgot to respond. It was a group text that included his wife, so I feel like I was waiting for her to say one way or the other if she could make it, but then forgot to respond at all.

To be clear, I was not criticizing you for being here with a newborn baby. I ONLY used that as an illustration of a difference between your ability to do so and what I can guarantee would not have been possible with either of my daughters while nursing at this age -- and my reasons would have been different for each daughter. Some people knew what was going on back then when my daughters were babies and others did not because I knew many people would not understand and would only end up giving me well-intentioned but useless advice. Everything with your brother and SIL may not be as you assume you know. My MIL hasn't lived with her brother for nearly 70 years, yet she assumes she knows him and his thoughts better than his wife, so much so that she has caused a major rift in the family for no real reason except she wants things her way.

 

[MamaBelle4]

Now that I am older and wiser I know that white lies like this do more harm than good in the long run but it took me half a life time to become strong enough to tell someone "no" matter of factly and without guilt.

I agree.

I'd cut him some slack and not take things as personally. Also try to do the same for his wife.

I have no intention on saying anything to him or his wife. Never did plan to.

Your responses sound like you're ready to argue and create an issue, and possibly think that his wife is to "blame."

I was asked why I thought he was lying. And I responded. And I said about the "permission" thing because that's how he refers to it. That or "Let me ask the boss". Wasn't me being snarky.

What I really hate in families is that little petty issues like this get turned into relationship damaging issues.

No plan on bringing it up to anyone other my DH and my sister who I vented to because she's my best friend. She won't make an issue of it either.

I also disagree that it will ever be an issue for your DD unless you make it so

I sincerely hope you're right.

. Either way, it's not a fight I would start. You invited him and he declined.

Him not coming isn't the issue I'm having. Him lying is. I know I haven't any proof he's lying, and maybe I'm wrong. If I am, I certainly hope he has a lovely time.