Alright, my son is done nursing so I can't waste any more time on this.
I started this discussion because I was upset my brother felt the need to lie to me when he's declined to attend things in the past, no questions asked. Either you can make it or you can't. Yes, I am upset for my DD5 because if he keeps skipping her party, it could build resentment (no one here has had an aunt or grandparent who they felt favored a sibling over them?).
And lies are black and white to me. Always better to be truthful. Very, very rarely is lying the better option. I can't even think of an example off the top of my head.
I may seem argumentative, but I wanted to respond to each post, so that I wasn't ignoring anyone who took the time to respond. That probably did make me appear argumentative. That and I don't feel I'm clearly wording things. Maybe it's post pregnancy hormones, maybe it is exhaustion. Maybe I'm just going insane. Anything is possible.
And I do want to know why SIL isn't coming around anymore. I've asked my brother how she's doing, I've reached out to her. I get "fine" or "okay". If they want to tell me, they will. In the meantime, all I can comment on is the result of her withdrawing.
And, maybe that was martyr - ed - y of me, me posting screenshots. I just got tired of repeating myself. Go ahead and count the posts where I said, "If someone can't come, that's fine. I don't ask why." And then the number of people afterwards who said, "Yeah, I really don't believe that. You're pushing people to lie to you." And I snapped.
And, probably most importantly, this isn't even a huge deal. I'm angry he lied to me, but I'll get over it. I don't like being lied to. But I wanted to vent. I mentioned it to my sister and husband, but didn't say much because I don't want to let my kids hear me complain about thinking my brother is lying to me. I try not to speak poorly of family in front of them. I don't want to pass on my preconceived notions to them.
And I'd like to thank those who tried to give me different perspectives. And I know family dynamics change, it is the nature of things when we all start our own lives. We've spent plenty of holidays and birthdays apart. But I don't think lying needs to enter into the equation. "Tell DD5 we are sorry, but we can't make it. Hope she had a happy birthday." Done. That is all it needed to be.
See, and now I'm rambling. I don't even remember what I started with. Anyway, thank everyone who responded. I'm going to unfollow this thread because I don't think I'm conveying myself well and this is just going no where.