Its a mindset thing. My MIL used to tell me how "lucky" my mom was because when she was ill I used to spend a good part of my day there with my little DGD. Um....no. We were the lucky ones. My Mom had devoted her life to all of us, and spending that time with her was a gift, for me and for Kady. My granddaughter got to know her great Memere in a way that many youngsters do not have the opportunity to do. She learned compassion and patience while she visited with a elderly woman who adored her.
My mother would have loved to see Kady on her first trip to Disney, but she was not well enough to go, so she made sure Kady took a little part of her with her: my mom used to sew all the time, so she took little pairs of unders and tailored them for Kady's "friend" Marsha Fiona, so that her little doll, who was all gussied up in proper Disney attire, would have matching clothes from nose to toes.
This whole thread aside .............. I LOVE THIS STORY!
It's not about money & gifts, it's not about including or excluding on trips (even the closest are not always travel compatible), it's not about what one grandkid gets vs another. It's all about the singular relationship one has with an elder and how it is embraced by each.
Please, if you still have Marsha Fiona and those handmade britches, make sure they are saved and not lost. I still have my original 50 year old Barbie and a few outfits but especially the wedding gown my Mom made the one year she dressed my old Barbie & Ken & friends up in handmade wedding party attire because they couldn't afford lots of gifts. I snuck downstairs during the night to see what Santa brought ... and when I saw them all standing there beautifully dressed ....... I was so excited I threw up. But what a wonderful memory because of the time and work spent .............. not the money, not the vacation but something equally as powerful.
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We all can't travel together even when we get along in the day to day. Been there done that. Vacations are expensive and often a use of limited time, you have to do everything you can to finish it up having enjoyed it. I also know the bad results that can happen to friendships and families after a vacation gone bad ...
OP's situation - I'd have more questions ...
- Are the grand parents friends? Would they normally hang out, have dinner etc? If not, that is a great deal of pressure for a vacation.
My kids were shocked to find out that many of their friends grands really didn't know each other since my enjoyed each others's company. But I would never travel with them both together because that is on a whole different level ... and ... what we would enjoy with one we would not enjoy with another. Mom & DSD would want a table service dinner and DFIL/DMIL would want a counter service dinner....
- Would the DMIL travel with the granddaughter if the others weren't there. Does the DMIL take this child to local events and places without her parents? If not, that tells me she expects them to be helping/caring for the child. That is a major change to the trip and no one should be expected to vacation like this.
- Will this child be manageable, are they used to be away from their parents, are they flexible and able to handle the level of energy Disney takes? If this child needs to go back to hotel, will DMIL travel alone there, be willing to leave the parks and her other grands? Just sounds like it's the child throwing the bigger wrench.
- Vacations are priceless, and in the case of Disney sometimes expensive ... and to us a break from reality and day to day. It sounds like this is going to bring day to day with them, bring stress and extra work with them and may cease to be a vacation. I've been on some of these and the older I've gotten the more firm I have been about only traveling with those that are similar in style and/or can handle me telling them we are going off on our own, we are not eating that or there and will tell me the same.
I find it sad that folks only see black & white. I adored my inlaws (both gone) but after a few trips realized that we are not compatible when it comes to traveling. I have traveled with my Mom and her husband (with lots in place) .... but my brother has avoided and my sister has had meltdowns on trips with them. We all have different styles and different levels of tolerance. It doesn't mean they care or love less, just that they can't handle some of the cheek biting moments that might come. They make up for it in other ways with local staycation stuff, or short weekend to specific events where they can control outcome more.
Oh my .... rambling morning .... OP, your DSIL has to take care of this and he will have to either deal with an unhappy wife or unhappy mother if he doesn't handle it well. I do think it's rude to ask anyone to go on their planned vacation (been there and said no) but I do think it's okay to ask someone to plan a trip in the future with you. At that point you have more control on where, when, how long, parameters to plan ~ and everything is clear from the beginning.
Given the dynamics description by the OP ............... would it be feasible for DSIL to plan a trip for HE AND DD to take a short trip to Disney with DMIL AND DN. This keeps the group smaller and more manageable, does not bring into play DS who is picked on, allows for maybe some cool girl stuff like BBB etc??? Princess trip!