Did you help with your child's wedding? How much did you spend?

[Southernmiss]

I have a question. It seems like the majority of people who have responded on here either have grown kids or kids in their teens. When your kids were little (for those of you that did or plan to contribute toward weddings), would you have been able to conceive of the amount of which you would spend for their future weddings? My kids are little and at this point, I just can't quite fathom being in a position to drop teens of thousands on weddings (or college for that matter), though it seems like many parents do.

When our kids were young, I worked only part time to be with them. Dh had a business world job with our state. $ was tight.

In 2014, I started working full time again. Kids at that time were ages 20, 17,16 and 13. So I was not needed as much at home. Dh also retired from his state job and began to draw a retirement check. He instantly got another job and in that job he now brings home more than his state job.

From a young age, we instilled that our kids would get scholarships or go to community college then to a 4 year college.

All 3 of our boys did get 4 year full university scholarships. And oldest ds graduated debt free with a grad degree and minimal out of pocket from us.

So $10,000 for his wedding was a bargin and something we too felt strongly about. We are traditional type people and there is a low rate of divorces in our families (mine, dh, and the bride's side, too), lots of long happy marriages and marriage is not taken lightly. So it was important to us to get them started off well.

Things fortunately just fell into place for us at the right time.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I've been involved in several weddings in the past 10 years. In the past, it has always been customary in the area for the bride's family to pay for the wedding & the groom's family to pay for the rehearsal dinner. (Our family is a little different from most. When we have a niece or nephew get married, we all contribute to the cost & pitch in to do the work, which is why I use the term family.) The three weddings where that custom was followed went very smoothly. Those were a breeze. Another wedding, the bride's parents didn't want to pay for anything. My sister wanted her DS, an only child, to have a wedding & rehearsal dinner, so my sisters & I did all the work & paid for everything. The bride's mom showed up with a single fruit tray from the grocery store to be served at the reception. The random tray of fruit was her only contribution. Naturally, we thanked her for it & found a way to include it. For the others, the parents of the bride or groom that our niece or nephew was marrying wanted to pick & choose what they paid for. Those didn't go so well. It created a lot of chaos, when trying to make sure everything was done. My youngest niece's wedding was a disaster thanks to the groom's family choosing what they wanted to provide & insisting they be the one to decide what those things were. My niece wasn't consulted in this. She got what they wanted her to have. Her future MIL even insisted on providing the bouquet & didn't let her see it until rehearsal. It was horrible & made my very easy going niece cry. Honestly, any bride would have been upset over it. Fortunately, the groom's aunt was embarrassed that niece's future MIL would bring something that looked like that & took it to get it fixed for the wedding. We provided all but the three things they choose to contribute, but let the bride & groom choose what they wanted. We really would have preferred for them to have stayed with what is customary & provided the rehearsal dinner only, which they refused to do. So, in our experience, it's best to stick to what has always been customary in that area. Customs do vary a lot by area. If the bride & groom aren't both from the same area, there definitely needs to be a conversation between both families, before any decisions where money is involved are made.

My DS is the only one of the nieces & nephews who isn't married at this point. He's also the only one that won't marry someone from the area the rest of our family lives in. Our family is very much a DIY family for weddings, but DH & I had planned to have a rehearsal dinner at the restaurant of the couple's choosing, when he gets married. I was really looking forward to finally not have any work to do at a wedding. Thanks to this thread I now know it is customary in some areas for the groom's family to provide the flowers. We'll be prepared to pay for those too, if asked. I'll most likely make the arrangements myself, which won't be a problem. I'm the flower arranger & bow maker in the family. We were also planning to pay for a reasonably priced honeymoon or give money toward a more expensive one. If it is customary in his bride's family to divide the cost between parents, we'll do that. If that's the case, I hope her parents are okay with us doing as much as possible DIY. I have a lot of family who are happy to help & I'd rather not pay someone else to not do as good a job as we would. We've gotten really good at weddings, after having so many family members get married in the past 10 years. That said, if we help with more than the rehearsal dinner & flowers, the happy couple will be on their own for their honeymoon. Obviously, this is all speculation on my part. My DS isn't even close to getting married. When he does, we'll work with the bride's parents & do what is expected of us.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

Our children are mid to late twenties. We did private schools all the way through and saved as much as could for college and retirement. Money was tight. Luckily our financial picture kept improving and I went back to work when the youngest started college to help out. It is not always easy, but it should get better.

Our children are also three to six years out of college which gave us a nice break to recoup. Had they gotten married soon after graduation it would of been a much smaller pot.

Thanks for sharing! We got married young so I hadn't considered that many parents have a little bit of time between paying for college and contributing toward a wedding. It also hadn't quite dawned on me that (duh!) when I go back to work, our income will be much higher! We'd love to put our kids in private school and are hoping we can in a few years (around the time our oldest reaches middle school).

When our kids were young, I worked only part time to be with them. Dh had a business world job with our state. $ was tight.

In 2014, I started working full time again. Kids at that time were ages 20, 17,16 and 13. So I was not needed as much at home. Dh also retired from his state job and began to draw a retirement check. He instantly got another job and in that job he now brings home more than his state job.

From a young age, we instilled that our kids would get scholarships or go to community college then to a 4 year college.

All 3 of our boys did get 4 year full university scholarships. And oldest ds graduated debt free with a grad degree and minimal out of pocket from us.

So $10,000 for his wedding was a bargin and something we too felt strongly about. We are traditional type people and there is a low rate of divorces in our families (mine, dh, and the bride's side, too), lots of long happy marriages and marriage is not taken lightly. So it was important to us to get them started off well.

Things fortunately just fell into place for us at the right time.

Thank you as well for the reminder that finances will change when I go back to work! I also love the scholarships/ community college mindset that you instilled in them from a young age. It's great that all 3 received full scholarships! I can guarantee DH will want to get another job after he's able to retire from this job, so that's another potential bit of income I wasn't thinking about.


Not that I'm happy to hear that money was tight for either of you, but it definitely helps to put things into perspective that it may not always be that way. Don't get me wrong, we manage okay, there just isn't a lot left to put towards college and weddings at the moment. It was just a bit overwhelming for a minute reading this thread and seeing what's customary to contribute and thinking how the heck are so many people able to do that. It makes a bit more sense now.

 

[raammartin]

Ah, this topic opens up old wounds.
I’m the oldest of two and my sister is 12 years younger. Short version:My parents said they would not being paying for college and they didn’t. Years later I talked with my father about marrying my then boyfriend of three years (and now husband of 23 years) about getting married to which I was told they would not be paying for a wedding and they didn’t. The next year fiancé and I marry at the justice of the peace which my parents attended and did not even contribute to the less than $100 cost of that. None of this was too much of an issue until...they paid for my sister’s college years later and her wedding. Same mom and dad. Apparently they favored her so much more that in addition to paying for college and the wedding in their back yard they also had built what is fondly called the “wedding pergola” (wood and stone) for her to exchange her vows under. Nothing like having to look at that anytime I visit to remind me.
Anyway, all that to say...please whatever you do at least be fair between your children.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

My husband and I paid all of our wedding expenses ourselves without any contributions from either set of parents.

We decided even before we had children (and currently we just have the one LO) that we'd set up a savings account in each child's name and have money automatically deposited into the accounts each pay period. When they reach adulthood, they'll be able to use that money in whatever combination they choose to fund their college tuition, house down payment, wedding, business start up, investments... Whatever they want to do with it. If everything goes to plan it stands to be a substantial amount of money, so fingers-crossed that he (or they) use it wisely.

Sounds like the type of venues dd was looking at! I keep telling dh we are in the wrong business and need to build a barn!! Lol

It’s amazing what all some of them offer for the price. The one that dd looked at that was just over 6000, even provided all security(some require this, some don’t). And that some aren’t much less and provide very little.

The difference in serving alcohol too. Some require a licensed bartender only if you serve liquor, beer and wine can be self serve. Some require a licensed bartender even if it’s only beer and wine. Some don’t t have any requirement. And one just requires an extra $1000 to serve alcohol (yet never explained what the $1000 was actually for).

It’s very hard to compare prices and compare apples to apples! Lol.

Dd wants an outside wedding too but at night or just before. So somewhere she can have lots of lights and candles. She hates flowers and wants as few as possible. She says flowers remind her of funerals and she won’t have them. (Except the bouquets). I say hey candles are cheaper than flowers so fine.

We have quite a bit to go yet, so who knows if she will change her mind a dozen times.

She can have the bridesmaids carry lanterns instead of bouquets.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think we will likely offer dd about $10,000. She can use it for a wedding, or she can use towards a down payment on a home. It’s her choice and a gift. That’s a large amount of money to us, but it’s what we feel we should give to our daughter... and FWIW, it’s what we will offer our son as well.

This is what my parents did. Gave us an amount of $ and told us whatever we didn’t spend on the wedding we could keep.

You’d be amazed st how quickly you realize that you don’t need the swan ice sculpture at an additional cost.

 

[jerseygal]

PS - what I should really be voting for here is "yes, parents pay for daughter's weddings." I have sons so that would work to my advantage.

Having sons 30 years ago meant that the brides parents "bore" most of the cost of the wedding, with the exclusion of rehearsal dinner and some other small costs. Not necessarily so today. Weddings obviously can be very expensive, no matter how lavish or simple. so why economically burden the brides parents? Friends have sons also and it seems more the norm rather than the exception that IF the brides parents are contributing, the grooms parents plan to contribute a substantial amount as well. IMO, gone is the tradition that the brides parents should shoulder the economic burden.

 

[jerseygal]

This is a timely thread!!! Our Daughter and now son-in-law eloped this past Saturday!!! Surprised us all!!! They recently got engaged and just wanted a small intimate wedding but of course we have a huge family on both sides. After they started pricing out indoor venues, backyard options, food, trying to cut the list at a reasonable amount without hurting feelings, etc. they said they heck with it and just got married with two witnesses on top of a local mountain! Her best friend who is a photographer acted as witness and photographer (she thought she was going to shoot their engagement pics). Our other DD was her other witness (who they flew in for the event....which wasn't odd to have her visit so didn't raise any flags for us). They never wanted an expensive lavish wedding as they want to put an addition on their home. Immediate family was invited to a "birthday dinner" at their house and after everyone was there they walked in in wedding dress and tux!!! We were all in jeans! They had gotten married earlier in the day and the birthday dinner was just a ruse to get us there to celebrate. We had no clue as our DD's birthday was the day before. They had a lovely catered meal at their house. They are both in their mid thirties. We couldn't be happier. We of course we will still give them what we would spend on a wedding for them and they can get started on their addition. We will have a backyard BBQ bash for extended family in the summer. She put it all together in less than 2 weeks! Very proud. His parents were thrilled as well.

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MJ

CONGRATULATIONS! BEAUTIFUL couple!

 

[indimom]

We're helping with school expenses, but not 100%. I'll be honest and admit weddings have never been anything I've thought about or planned for. When DH and I got married almost 25 years ago, his parents provided the rehearsal dinner and non-alcoholic beverages for the wedding. My parents covered the buffet dinner, and my mom made the bridesmaids dresses (and I think she paid for the materials also). DH and I paid for everything else.

 

[jerseygal]

This is a timely thread!!! Our Daughter and now son-in-law eloped this past Saturday!!! Surprised us all!!! They recently got engaged and just wanted a small intimate wedding but of course we have a huge family on both sides. After they started pricing out indoor venues, backyard options, food, trying to cut the list at a reasonable amount without hurting feelings, etc. they said they heck with it and just got married with two witnesses on top of a local mountain! Her best friend who is a photographer acted as witness and photographer (she thought she was going to shoot their engagement pics). Our other DD was her other witness (who they flew in for the event....which wasn't odd to have her visit so didn't raise any flags for us). They never wanted an expensive lavish wedding as they want to put an addition on their home. Immediate family was invited to a "birthday dinner" at their house and after everyone was there they walked in in wedding dress and tux!!! We were all in jeans! They had gotten married earlier in the day and the birthday dinner was just a ruse to get us there to celebrate. We had no clue as our DD's birthday was the day before. They had a lovely catered meal at their house. They are both in their mid thirties. We couldn't be happier. We of course we will still give them what we would spend on a wedding for them and they can get started on their addition. We will have a backyard BBQ bash for extended family in the summer. She put it all together in less than 2 weeks! Very proud. His parents were thrilled as well.

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MJ

PS..Your daughters dress is VERY PRETTY!

 

[DisneyHardin]

Ah, this topic opens up old wounds.
I’m the oldest of two and my sister is 12 years younger. Short version:My parents said they would not being paying for college and they didn’t. Years later I talked with my father about marrying my then boyfriend of three years (and now husband of 23 years) about getting married to which I was told they would not be paying for a wedding and they didn’t. The next year fiancé and I marry at the justice of the peace which my parents attended and did not even contribute to the less than $100 cost of that. None of this was too much of an issue until...they paid for my sister’s college years later and her wedding. Same mom and dad. Apparently they favored her so much more that in addition to paying for college and the wedding in their back yard they also had built what is fondly called the “wedding pergola” (wood and stone) for her to exchange her vows under. Nothing like having to look at that anytime I visit to remind me.
Anyway, all that to say...please whatever you do at least be fair between your children.

I definitely agree with being fair between the kids. I got married 10 years ago and my mom told me she could contribute $5000 toward my wedding - it was fine - I made it work and ended up paying quite myself for our wedding. My sister is getting married in August and mom told her she would give her $10000 for her wedding. I really don't think my mom's financial situation is any different now that it was 10 years ago that would allow her more discretionary income. It does hurt to know that my sister is getting twice as much as I did.

 

[jsmla]

Our daughter had a fairly large wedding. She had been planning her big day since she was 12. We shared the costs with the bride and groom 25/15K. We were able to spend so much because DD had a full scholarship for undergraduate and she opted to save her college fund for the wedding.

I am not usually a fan of a big "do" but everyone had the best time and made memories that will last a lifetime.

 

[luvsJack]

My husband and I paid all of our wedding expenses ourselves without any contributions from either set of parents.

We decided even before we had children (and currently we just have the one LO) that we'd set up a savings account in each child's name and have money automatically deposited into the accounts each pay period. When they reach adulthood, they'll be able to use that money in whatever combination they choose to fund their college tuition, house down payment, wedding, business start up, investments... Whatever they want to do with it. If everything goes to plan it stands to be a substantial amount of money, so fingers-crossed that he (or they) use it wisely.


She can have the bridesmaids carry lanterns instead of bouquets.

What a great idea!! Thank you! That would be really pretty!

 

[bellebud]

A family member got married about 5 years ago, her mom/dad paid over $80,000 for the wedding. That's the most expensive I've personally seen.

25 years ago, my mom gave us $3000, my dad gave us $5000, mil had hosted a surprise engagement party the year before, FIL had a friend who let us use his condo in a retirement building in Florida for a week for our honeymoon. Everyone did what they could or felt was right for them. Our wedding cost about $12,000 (dh and I paid the rest after my parents gifts).

We have no set plans for our kids. We have a boy and a girl. We'll definitely do the same for both, whatever that will be. We're financially comfortable right now, but who knows what the future holds. If we're comfortable when the time comes, we'll put aside money for both kids at the same time. I don't think daughter would want to go too crazy, she'd rather have the money for a down payment for a house or something. Who knows with son, it will probably depend on his bride, as is usually the case.

 

[mousefan73]

We paid for most if ours alone. Though as a wedding gift my mom paid for our hardwood floors. Reading this thread makes one see how income/ avail funds is so spread out. Some parents can afford to toss 30g here and there. Most families cannot.

 

[disykat]

Having sons 30 years ago meant that the brides parents "bore" most of the cost of the wedding, with the exclusion of rehearsal dinner and some other small costs. Not necessarily so today. Weddings obviously can be very expensive, no matter how lavish or simple. so why economically burden the brides parents? Friends have sons also and it seems more the norm rather than the exception that IF the brides parents are contributing, the grooms parents plan to contribute a substantial amount as well. IMO, gone is the tradition that the brides parents should shoulder the economic burden.

Agreed. That's what this thread is about and why I was joking.

 

[jerseygal]

Our daughter had a fairly large wedding. She had been planning her big day since she was 12. We shared the costs with the bride and groom 25/15K. We were able to spend so much because DD had a full scholarship for undergraduate and she opted to save her college fund for the wedding.

I am not usually a fan of a big "do" but everyone had the best time and made memories that will last a lifetime.
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BEAUTIFUL COUPLE, lovely pics!Your daughter's dress is gorgeous!

 

[leebee]

We never could afford to save much towards college or weddings. Yes, we could have skipped many vacations and had more money in the bank, but our vacations are always budget-minded, and we all agree that we are happier having the memories. DD24 got a bunch of scholarships, DH taught as an adjunct at night to get a partial tuition waiver for her, but she still had to borrow money for college. Now that I have a new job and we are better-off financially, we have taken over her loan payments. We want to do this, and right now can manage it. Same thing with a wedding, when the time comes. We WANT to give her a nice wedding, and her "wishes" are pretty simple. We'll do what we can afford, not sure where his parents will be on it all, and DD and her boyfriend will pay for the rest.

 

[SC Minnie]

DD is in her mid 20's, no wedding in the near future but I'm not sure what we will contribute. It will all depend on when the occasion happens and what our situation is at the time. DH retired earlier than planned so that has changed our long term savings goals. I don't see DD having a fancy elaborate wedding, she's just not that type, but we'll try to do what we can.

We paid 100% of her tuition in college and she got scholarships that covered ~80% of her housing. The rest she had to take out loans due to DH's forced retirement.

 

[Meglen]

I spent 4k on my wedding had it at my dads house and grandma cooked. 1k was the dress the rest was the tux and food/decorations. imo dont spend any on the wedding.. waste of money spend that money on them getting a house or pay some student loans.